I know, it's the journey, not the destination, that counts. But relapses are so hard.
For the past few months I have been seeing a fantastic psychiatrist who put me on a very low dose of Xanax, and an awful psychologist who has told me that "in a sense, you are losing your mind" and that "the best thing you can do is pump yourself with a high enough dosage of drugs to quell these obsessive thoughts." Perhaps not needless to say, I am searching for a new psychologist.
The Xanax has been doing an outstanding job of helping to prevent panic attacks and thank G-d for that (I went from multiple attacks per day to one or two a month) but it has done nothing for the fear and obsessive thoughts. Fear is my constant companion.
I've been able to keep the fear somewhat under control but there are times when I relapse. Like right now. I woke up feeling achey and tired (which I am pretty sure is from the Xanax) but also with a bit of a sore throat. Before I get sick, any kind of sick, my throat (I guess tonsil) hurts in a very specific spot. That's what happened this morning.
I was also very queasy and almost n* this morning and had lots of gurgling down below (embarrassing, I am sorry.) It's now 1:32 here and I finally became brave enough to heat up my Amy's frozen meal (too OCD right now to eat lunch from a restaurant) - but I just realized that I don't remember if I Purell'd before touching my food (after touching the microwave here in the office.)
In addition to my Emet (and this is beyond the scope of this board, so I apologize in advance) I have also been diagnosed with hyphochondria so I am worried that this tired/icky feeling I am having, coupled with the sore throat could be some sort of major health issue, and not just the Xanax, as I suspect. Those fears are making the Emet-related fears much much worse.
Perhaps the catalyst for all of this is I discovered that I have to go to this party at a client's house next Friday night. I am not looking forward to it (because those things are almost always unbearably boring and/or obnoxious but a necessary evil in my line of work) but moreso beause we are going to be driving up from DC to NY in my boss' car - 5 of us!! - and then to this guy's party in PA - and then back to DC. Holy crap, how do I count the fears!?!?!?!:
- motion sickness
- sv from being stuck in a car with 5 people for 8 hours over two days
- sv/food poisoning from party
- panic attack at the party
- no escape plan/route from the party - if my boss is my ride then i am stuck there
- my psychiatrist appointment is the following morning - i am scared spitless of missing that because he is so hard to reschedule - he is so popular
So yes, friends, I am having a relapse. It stinks!!
As always, advice or thoughts or even a prayer would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Lewis