My Success Story: The Road to Recovery
Hello guys!
My name is Delcia. I haven't been on this forum for a while! I am currently 3 years cured from my emetophobia. I am a freshman in college at the University of California, Santa Barbara. I'm originally from Colorado; I am super far away from home! Not only that, but I will be studying abroad all of next year in the Netherlands! I am living my dreams, doing things I thought I never would have been able to do because of my emetophobia. I want to tell you guys my journey to recovery. I am hoping my story inspires many of you. I will also include many methods that worked for my recovery in hopes that it will help many of you as well.
My emetophobia started in August 2012. While I had a subtle fear of v* that stemmed from my childhood, the anxiety attacks and constant fear did not begin until then. It was the first day of my freshman year of high school. I was extremely n* the night before, had panic attacks and had anxiety that I had never experienced before. My emetophobia was deep, intense, and absorbed my entire life after that. Luckily, I only had it for about a year. Many of you have had it for much longer. That is why I am telling my success story because the methods I used to recover have worked so well. But let me continue.
Anxiety issues runs in my family. So when I started having panic attacks, they were every day. They were violent and traumatizing. I would not eat because I was so scared. I would not sleep because I would wake up and feel sick. It was a constant cycle of feeling slightly nauseous and getting anxiety from it. I would wash my hands until they would crack and bleed, I refused to eat hands-on food, I would clean everything with bleach, and so on. It almost ruined my academic career. Many of you are very familiar with these routines. I would be terrified to go to school because of the sv*. I would be terrified of food poisoning, so I would not eat out with my family. It consumed my entire life. I abandoned all of my hopes to go to college, or to ever stray far from my mother, since she was someone who I always had to be with if I had anxiety.
A couple months into constant, every day anxiety, I got to the point where every time I ate, I would feel extremely sick. I went to doctors and nothing helped. One of them even had the audacity, especially someone who is supposed to have significant expertise in this area, to tell me : "you're just stressed. Try relaxing and you'll feel better". I ended up going to the emergency room about a month after that appointment because I passed out in my living room. Turns out I had a stomach ulcer, due to the fact that my increased about of stress was making my stomach extremely acidic, resulting in GERD and a stomach ulcer.
This was, undoubtedly, one of the worst parts of my fear. Never feeling as though my fear was "valid", and no one ever understanding. It was so hard to explain to people the crippling fear of emetophobia. I would tell people "the moment of your life that you have been the most scared, that's what emetophobia people feel every day", but they would respond "you're being dramatic", or "you're exaggerating". I was going through a lot during the time that my fear arose, so people would just say "you're growing up right now, you'll grow out of it", or "it's just a phase". They simply did not understand. So to everyone reading this, your fear is valid, your emotions are justified, and I understand how you feel. I understand you and I understand your fear.
I believe it is our job to inform and educate the public on this issue because it is so misunderstood and not taken seriously. But I could argue that it is one of the worst phobias on the list. A fear of snakes only occurs when there is a snake. A fear of spiders only occurs when there is a spider. But emetophobia is like a fear of yourself that is inescapable: you can't run from it.
My fear was the worst time of my life. However, the biggest thing that helped me recover from my fear was when I began to sit back and try to understand and learn about myself. The solution to this fear is not avoiding the fear. It is entirely based on will power.
The first step I took to recovery was seeing a therapist. She didn't help much, but she did teach me of this method called Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). I don't understand the entire gist of the method, but I do remember one distinct factor: changing your thinking process. This is exactly what worked for me. It was a process of understanding myself, learning about my symptoms, and being able to communicate with yourself. It is entirely will power. I had to become my own best friend.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, along with breathing exercises, were what saved me from emetophobia. Not only that, but CBT works with other aspects besides just fear, and I will elaborate about that in a bit.
Continuing on, breathing is extremely important. When I would have anxiety attacks, I would make sure to take deep breaths because it would remind me "hey, I am breathing, I am alive". It slows your heart rate. It is a powerful method of control that we have of our bodies that we can learn to take advantage of.
I started small. And lots of time I would make progress and get sick again and it would all backtrack. But I promise it works. I started with burping. I know this might sound strange, but the feeling of having to burp gave me anxiety because I was not entirely sure of what was going on. And so when I would feel it, I would try to burp, and the majority of the time I would burp. So I would tell myself: "Oh, you just have to burp." Or, "oh, you have to wait a moment for your stomach to process the burp" since sometimes it is difficult to burp if you recently ate sticky or starchy foods. I began to focus on the symptoms that arose when I had to burp, and began learning about myself. And so every time I would feel it, I would say "oh, I just have to burp!". This "rewiring" was the first step I took and paved the road to my recovery.
I started applying this same idea of "rewiring" to other feelings as well. I would get scared, and I would say "it's okay, it's only the anxiety." I started doing meditation, yoga, and other self-connecting exercises. I did breathing exercises constantly. All of these helped enhance the idea that I did have control over my mind, my thoughts, and my body.
When I would get anxiety at school, I would tell myself "you can't be anxious right now because you need to focus on other things". I would force myself to stop thinking about my anxiety, and would constantly keep myself busy.
I also started taking Prilosec, which helped tremendously to heal my stomach ulcer and to stop the GERD, so I could eat without feeling sick. This was also a big step in reducing my anxiety.
After months of this constant communication with myself, constant reassuring that I am going to be okay, and constant "rewiring", I saw intense results. I would go out to eat more with my family, I would wash my hands less, I would worry less.
I cannot stress the importance of knowing yourself and communicating with yourself. This entire method is about being able to let your mind know that you are okay. I remember even thinking about the word v* would give me extreme anxiety, and thinking that one day "I was destined to v*" would easily throw me into a pit of despair. I saw no hope, and never imagined how I could go on with life with this fear. But I would constantly tell myself not to think that way. I would tell myself "even if you do v* in the future, you will be okay". It is all about willpower, and reminding yourself constantly that you are fine and that you will be okay. It is hard, and there are times where you will be in the middle of a panic attack and say "this isn't working". It will also take a long time before you start to experience any type of results. But trust me. Be patient and be consistent. It works.
Towards my sophomore year, I had recovered a lot. I was still scared, but I continued reminding myself that I would be okay, that I was fine. I still continued to do breathing exercises and meditation. I drank A LOT of tea. Chai tea was my saving grace. It got rid of n* almost every time I drank it. Raw, organic, black chai tea.
Towards the end of my recovery, my junior year of high school, I finally got the sv*. I was petrified. I was extremely scared. I had not v* in 9 years, so I did not know what to expect. I did not know what would happen. I remember waking my mom up and telling her that it was going to happen.
And it did.
And it was a very liberating experience. When it finally happened, I was like "holy cow, that was it, that's what all this hype is about?" But let me remind you, this experience would have been extremely traumatizing and would have more so intensified my emetophobia if I had not already recovered as much as I had. Some say "all you have to do is v* and it will get rid of your fear", I do not support that theory. It's like saying "just put yourself by a wasp nest and then you won't be scared of wasps anymore". Some people swear by this theory, but I believe that recovery does not come from experiencing the actual event, but rather managing and being in charge your fear if the event does happen. You must learn to understand and control your fear before experiencing the event.
And that's exactly what I did, I managed my fear to the point that I did not have an anxiety attack. I v*ed a couple of times, and each time it happened I felt so much better. That event was undoubtedly the moment I knew I had recovered. It was a great symbol for me. It was also an event that I feel like I connected with myself. I was finally aware of myself, and what v*ing felt like. I was familiar with the symptoms and I was FINALLY familiar with "the feeling". For a long time, I did not know what it felt like when I needed to v*, so I thought that every time I felt a little n* it was bound to lead to v*ing. This event showed me that I was fine, I was okay, and that I had reached a great feat in recovering from this crippling fear and learning about myself.
I am now pursing a degree in linguistics and anthropology with a minor in music, and I have considered studying peace & resolution conflict and writing. I am living my dreams in California, and will hopefully use my degree to work internationally as an ambassador or an educator.
I have continued to use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in all areas of my life. I used it to overcome many of my other fears besides emetophobia, including my fear of roller coasters, my fear of traveling, my fear of pregnancy, my fear of drinking, and my fear of being away from my family. I have used CBT to achieve mental wellbeing and happiness, rewiring myself to think positively and openly. I now feel as though I am completely separated from fear, especially considering it once consumed my entire life. I feel like my success story is one for the books. While I cannot heal someone else of their fear by simply explaining my story, I hope it will inspire and help people to achieve this as well. I have v* quite a few times since that time my junior year. The first time it happened while I was at college I was scared because my mom was not there. However, every time since has just been whatever. It has just become an experience that makes me nervous but does not elicit intense fear or anxiety anymore.
I know it is hard, and it won't be an instant solution. Acquiring this same sense of will-power and mental control is extremely difficult. I used to think of it as having to try to transform yourself into a Buddha! But in all, it takes a lot of work. Seeing a therapist is a good starting point because they can help lead you in the right direction with the method. I did this without any dependency on any sort of drugs (including antidepressants, anxiety medications such as Xanax, etc.) and did this without a long-term therapist. The only medication I was taking consistently was Prilosec (and I highly advice meeting with a doctor so you are aware of how to take it and how to get off of it). This is how I know CBT works.
In all, I hope my story helps. I understand this fear, and we must begin to break down the walls to denying that it is not curable because it is. I hope all of you can begin your journey to recovery. It is very much possible and achievable, and the first step is having hope that it is.
Wishing you all the best,
Delcia
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