Pregnancy sadness/help needed!

[Jellybear]

Hi. (Will try keep a long story short) - please, don't judge me.
I am 28 and met the man I wanted to spend my life with 5 years ago. We lived 400miles apart and I left all my friends and family to be with him almost 2 years ago now. (I still haven't made any friends here yet! - I'm shy)
anyway, he was told he would probably never have children.. Yet we decided to try for a baby anyway. After 4 months I fell pregnant. My emet hadnt seemed bad at all before then and I thought I could cope with anything! ..but the week i found out I was pregnant I became so nauseous. It was relentless, from the moment I woke up till moment I fell asleep - and I'd even wake up in the night feeling so, so sick this went on for weeks (even though I was never actually sick) ..but it was like one long constant anxiety attack. I would feel waves of anxiety and nausea sweep over me in bed and I hated my situation.. I felt trapped and so alone and frightened. I decided to terminate my pregnancy, my partner devastated but so supportive as he could see how bad I was. I had become so bad that I was feeling suicidal :/ ..so when I had my termination all I could feel was total relief.
Since the I've been in therapy (cbt), which has helped a lot - I do things I never would have done before.. But the phobia is still very much there. I had a pregnancy scare last month and felt that same 'trapped/nausea/uncontrollable panic' in bed that night.. I want a baby.. And who knows if my partners fertility is getting worse (we think it is) and I'm not getting any younger... I don't want to get to 40 and look back and hate that I was never brave enough. But I don't know how to get around this it's awful. Any advice ??

[Jellybear]

Forgot to add - I honestly think that half the time I felt so sick during pregnancy was due to anxiety - I'm pretty sure about this because when I had the pregnancy scare recently I felt the same awful sickness. But also half the time it was pregnancy nausea because of smells etc. I was 6 weeks when I terminated ..

[mdgirl1977]

I was emet well before I got pg. I have a son (almost 9) and I was n for all 40 weeks just like you described but I never v. Not once. I wore sea bands around the clock, ate crackers all the time (so I never was empty) sucked on lemon drops and sour patch kids (for some reason the tartness helps avoid v) and just...listened to my body. Lots of people don't v when pregnant and it is honestly worse in the beginning. The non stop n sort of faded around week 16, but was still there...I know some women do v but they say it isn't like when you are sick. you do it, you feel miraculously better and move on. it isn't debilitating, laying on the floor with a fever, dying kind of v when you are sick (if that helps at all).

that being said, are you in a stable enough situation where you feel a baby is a good idea? not judging your situation at all, not my place, but do you predict you will be together for the long haul (marriage or not)? kids are a BIG responsibility and you can always adopt (a pet first, maybe). in fact, adopting a child may be a wonderful idea since there are so many kids without families and you may be too scared to have a baby.

again, not judging and you can DM me anytime. I am judgment free, on both abortion, kids out of wedlock, etc.

(hugs)

[Jellybear]

Hi, thank u for your reply.
i remember one night of pregnancy where I went and sat outside because I felt on the edge of being sick.. I sat for ages just trying not to be.. It honestly didn't feel any better than being ill to me but I do think a lot of my nausea was anxiety as well. Do you think that's why your nausea remained after 12 weeks? Because it was just the anxiety? It's so hard to tell anxiety nausea apart from real nausea!
despite everything my partner and I have been through (and the abortion was only one of a few terrible things that happened last year), we are stronger together than before (somehow!) and he took me shopping for an engagement ring. So we're getting married ..I knew he was the one I wanted to spent my life with the first week we met. And he is so understanding and supportive to me.. He wanted a family more than anything before we got together, but now he says if it never happens he doesn't care as long as we're together
so yes, very stable long-term relationship here.
The idea of adoption is nice.. I've spoken about it with him.. But we both feel we want our own. I want (so much) to be strong enough to do this. I just don't know how.
I remember before we went on holiday this year.. For some reason I was constantly nauseous (but nothing like pregnancy!) for about 5 days before we went away.. I thought I was ill! (The doc said he thought id be pregnant!) but turns out it was just anxiety... Even when I suspected it was anxiety and tried to calm down , it didn't go away. I feel like if I can control my anxiety (and anxiety nausea) then I will be able to cope so much better being pregnant...do you know how to do that?
Also, do you think you felt nauseous for 40 weeks because of anxiety? And did being pregnant/having a child cure your emet? And was the nausea much less after 12wks?? Thank u

[JPO]

Just want you to know I have 2 kids and still suck with tu ànd tummy bugs with them but am trying to be better for them. Anyways my son will be 4 in December my pregnancy with him was tough. I felt sick and 5ired for close to 20 weeks but never tu. 18 months àfter he was born found out I was pregnant and felt wonderful the whole pregnancy. This is just to let you know all pregnancies are different and you can get though it. Not everyone gets sick. It did take a few weeks of concentration and extra sleep but you just listen to your body and you can do anything. I am 33 have not tu since 9 yrs old and have 2 kids who have tu. You can do anything you set your mind to. It can be tough but my point is pregnancies are different and you can feel great. Good luck with everything and yay for wedding planning.

[KaydeeJayde]

Hi, thank u for your reply.
i remember one night of pregnancy where I went and sat outside because I felt on the edge of being sick.. I sat for ages just trying not to be.. It honestly didn't feel any better than being ill to me but I do think a lot of my nausea was anxiety as well. Do you think that's why your nausea remained after 12 weeks? Because it was just the anxiety? It's so hard to tell anxiety nausea apart from real nausea!
despite everything my partner and I have been through (and the abortion was only one of a few terrible things that happened last year), we are stronger together than before (somehow!) and he took me shopping for an engagement ring. So we're getting married ..I knew he was the one I wanted to spent my life with the first week we met. And he is so understanding and supportive to me.. He wanted a family more than anything before we got together, but now he says if it never happens he doesn't care as long as we're together
so yes, very stable long-term relationship here.
The idea of adoption is nice.. I've spoken about it with him.. But we both feel we want our own. I want (so much) to be strong enough to do this. I just don't know how.
I remember before we went on holiday this year.. For some reason I was constantly nauseous (but nothing like pregnancy!) for about 5 days before we went away.. I thought I was ill! (The doc said he thought id be pregnant!) but turns out it was just anxiety... Even when I suspected it was anxiety and tried to calm down , it didn't go away. I feel like if I can control my anxiety (and anxiety nausea) then I will be able to cope so much better being pregnant...do you know how to do that?
Also, do you think you felt nauseous for 40 weeks because of anxiety? And did being pregnant/having a child cure your emet? And was the nausea much less after 12wks?? Thank u

There is a way out of emetophobia. There is help out there. I recovered with the help of CBT and a really supportive network of people around me. Have you spoken to your GP about your phobia and your hopes for the future?

[Jellybear]

There is a way out of emetophobia. There is help out there. I recovered with the help of CBT and a really supportive network of people around me. Have you spoken to your GP about your phobia and your hopes for the future?

Hi.. Yeah, I've been through the docs and just had 6 months of cbt.. It helped a lot with my ocd and contamination problems.. Keep testing things out every day and haven't become ill yet! So that's working well.. But still feel very fearful of getting ill. I've had to take a 3 month break from cbt because of NHS funding at the mo, but my therapist said I can go back as soon as 3 months is up. Wish I didn't have the break! In the meantime he told me to look at pics and videos of vomit and even make some fake vomit out of food and put my hands in it etc! Haven't done that yet.. Still just looking at the pics and it makes me anxious. Are these the things you did to over come the fear?
I would LOVE to feel brave enough to handle anything.

About the pregnancy and how every one is different... You mentioned your second one being so easy and so much better.. But I think my fearful brain focuses on how it could also be SO much worse than the first! I worry that I'd get HG or something and be sick 40 times a day I need to feel like I could handle the worst case scenario before going ahead with another pregnancy as can't go through a termination ever again
i also thought that pregnancies tended to get worse with each one? Xx

[anna81]

I'm not judging you in any way, its such a shame your emet was so bad you had a termination. It must have been such a hard decision to make. I was just wondering, is it only yourself v'ing that concerns you? I have 2 children and the thought of them v'ing terrifies me! I don't want to scare you in any way, but once the pregnancy is over you may then have a whole new situation to be anxious about. Maybe you should seek some help with your emet before trying to get pregnant again.

[Jellybear]

I'm not judging you in any way, its such a shame your emet was so bad you had a termination. It must have been such a hard decision to make. I was just wondering, is it only yourself v'ing that concerns you? I have 2 children and the thought of them v'ing terrifies me! I don't want to scare you in any way, but once the pregnancy is over you may then have a whole new situation to be anxious about. Maybe you should seek some help with your emet before trying to get pregnant again.

It isn't just me, I'm scared of anything to do with sick.. Even seeing it on TV. We went to my boyfriends mums house for a family dinner last week and his little nephew was there.. He started to cry and wouldn't say why. I was literally dying from anxiety (but felt like I couldn't leave or do anything) because I thought he was going to be sick. I have no idea how I'd cope with sick kids 😞
mayne im just never meant to be a mum.
if I'm being honest the termination wasn't a hard choice.. I hated my pregnancy for making me so ill, I felt no connection to the baby or happiness. Just intense fear. To have the termination didn't even feel like a choice.. It felt like the only thing to do. I would have killed myself if I had to carry on like that, I know it it was making me very depressed to be that constantly anxious and feeling so out of control.
I want a family.. I just have no idea what to do.. I came looking for a way to get around it but now I just feel more hopeless lol! ..and I have had 2 rounds of cbt.. The current one is helping but only a little.
Does anyone else ever feel sick and their head just goes someplace else?! Like you feel so detached from everything and the fear is overwhelming?? X

[Jellybear]

And to the mother who is scared of her kids getting ill- what do you do when they get ill?! ..and how did you cope with pregnancy? ..do you feel your life has way more anxiety in it now, because of your kids? X

[anna81]

And to the mother who is scared of her kids getting ill- what do you do when they get ill?! ..and how did you cope with pregnancy? ..do you feel your life has way more anxiety in it now, because of your kids? X

My pregnancies weren't too bad, I found eating frequently and sucking sour sweets helped with the nausea. I really struggled when my oldest had a bug but luckily my husband was around the first few times she really v'ed. We had agreed before we had children that if one of them v'ed he would stay home and look after them but as I'm a stay at home mum and he works that's not realistic. My anxiety got much worse when I had my youngest as I was terrified if one of them v'ed the other would as well. My oldest used to have a really bad gag reflex and v'ed a lot! It got to the stage where I was really struggling so I spoke to my doctor and got anti depressants. I had to try a couple of different ones but then found one which helped. I am still panicky if they are ill but its nowhere near as bad.

[Athena]

I wont judge you and my advice might seem harsh hun because believe me i know it's not your fault that our heads do this to us but if you're not in a good place with you anxiety or emetophobia you shouldn't be having kids not only is being pregnant hard because hormones cause nausea and anxiety to be way over the top and labor is a pain you cant imagine and a lot of woman v* during labour for emetophobes i recomend c section so you can be put to sleep without going threw that. N even after all that is done kids get sick like crazy as there immune system builds and there messy and dirty and thats just the way they are raising one is hard on the anxiety too because kids are anxious and scared and cry all the time and you have to be the brave one if you cant be brave and show your kids your mentally a mess they will grow up to have anxiety problems too its a vicious cycle. So again im not saying to not have kids but to think about them the most and be in the best mental health you can possibly be in before you go and have one i believe with therapy and as you age and mature you'll get there.