Broke My 15 Year Streak

[VenetianSnares]

Hi Everyone,
Let me start by saying this is going to be a long post and might make some of you uncomfortable. Also, despite the fact that I spend wayyy too much time on the Internet, I've never actually joined a forum and posted something before, so there's a first time for everything I guess.

Like many (all?) of you, I'm really emetophobic. I've dealt with it on and off for probably 13 years and I haven't t* u* for around 15. I've started community college a year ago in the hopes of landing a decent job and the accumulated stress from the pressure of grades and my other social phobias have really taken their toll on me. Class has really been difficult, wondering if I would v* in the middle of lecture would worry me to the point of getting panic attacks. And of course, the worry would upset my stomach making me more n*. Such are the joys of being an emetophobe. This past month, my phobia has spilled out from just wondering if I would t* u* in class to what if I would get s* in the middle of the night. I would wake up at like 3 or 4 in the morning and count the hours back since I last ate, hoping enough time had elapsed for my stomach to be empty so I wouldn't v*. To top it all off, I've lost 15 pounds (1.07 st. for the people in Britannia) since I started college due to a combination of stress and this phobia.

Lately, I've been getting really tired of my phobia. Really tired. Through a combination of: altering negative self-talk, meditation, the support of friends, the stories on this board and others like it, exposure to people v* on Youtube along with a fair amount of courage, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to take ipecac to come face to face with my fear. As it turns out, I wouldn't need too.

---Okay, past this line, I'm going to talk about what happened last night and this morning with no censorship or frills, so If you don't want to read what happened to me you can skip to the end, no hard feelings -------

Yesterday, I decided I would be brave by going to get a Ruben sandwich, something that I used to like, but avoided because of the fear, and even asked my friends to go to dinner at a diner where I knew the portions were large and not freshly cooked. The sandwich was good, Just a little nerve racking to eat. I met my friends at the diner and It was bad from the jump. We were seated and my friend looks down at his utensils and there is a huge splotch of food on his knife. He gives me a look, and I was thinking I should leave just because of that, but at this point maybe food poisoning would be a gift to set me free. I remained there with them and ordered a chicken pot pie. I love chicken so much. I love eggs and the hens themselves, I think I would even keep a hen as a pet, but I haven't been eating it since the phobia got bad. I used to eat pounds of it a week when I was going to the gym and gaining weight, so I figured I should reintroduce it because I miss it so much and I should be brave. As I ate it, did I know something was wrong? Maybe. it felt really greasy and heavy on my stomach, but then again I haven't eaten like that in a couple months now. I finished it and moved on to the vegetables. As I was eating the zucchini, I PULLED A HAIR OUT OF MY FOOD OH MY GOD. I kept it cool and flicked it to the side, but pushed back my plate and we asked for the check. I went home and did schoolwork until 10:00 that night. My stomach was still upset and normally I would have taken Pepto Bismol to help me sleep, but I wanted to move away from reactionary responses like that. I must have passed out for three hours until I woke up with a stomach ache and decided I should down the Pepto because I had work in the morning. I took the medicine and everything was fine until I woke up again, I was shivering and my stomach churning and gurgling. Thoughts were swirling. "Am I going to vomit?", "For the first time in 15 years?", "Fu*k, I don't want to." I hate the taste, the feeling, the smell, everything. But I got up and went to the bathroom. I kind of had diarrhea and a scary burp that seemed like there was something behind it. Then the thought came to my mind, "Its okay if you throw up". I put on my robe and slippers, walked out into my backyard over to the fence line and closed my eyes. How do you even do this? I can't remember. I focused on my nausea for three seconds and then I dry heaved. There it was. Something I had avoided for 15 years. My eyes were closed and I started to tremble. I reached again, the taste of swept across my tongue. Again I retched. I made an audible sound and dropped to one knee. I spit and opened my eyes. Everything was bright. I looked around, feeling better. I struggled to come to a consensus of how I should feel. Relived? Elated? I was confused, but the nausea was gone and the phobia appeared to have subsided. Still processing, I got a bottle of water, crawled back into my bed and went to sleep, woke up, e-mailed my boss that I couldn't make it to work, registered to this forum and wrote this small novel.

---Back to the present---

I realized I needed to share this experience with you all here, because I have turned to this website for support. And I think it's a crying shame how there are not more topics in Triumphs. It's too early to tell if my emetophobia is cured, but I broke my 15 year streak and am still alive, well, anxiety free (for the moment) and am looking forward to eating and gaining weight. V* sucks. But it's not the end of the world haha. I know I used to think it was, but it rescinds and you can go on about your day. And that is the most amazing thing. To go on about your day, to go on about your life, without wondering if I'll t* u* or is today the day? I sincerely hope everyone here finds a cure one way or another because it's terrible to live in fear. I know how disabling it can be and how you would do anything to avoid it. But in the words of Franklin D. Roosevelt: "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself."

Thanks for reading,
Adam

[mdgirl1977]

wow Adam, what a powerful story, but your ways of avoidance (which we all do) to the actual night you had. I am so sorry you were sick. clearly the food was bad. but I commend you for accepting it.

I have also been emet for decades and abotu 10 years ago ate something dicey and woke up at like 3am, yucky d and a few dry heaves with v (not full amount, I fought it back). it was nasty. but I felt semi cured for a while. now I am still emet, but mainly bc I have a kid and so I feel like it is ALL AROUND me. it is encouraging that you felt better about it because you (a) anticipated it, (b) prepared for it and (c) accepted it. I think that is honestly the key. the control, or rather, giving up the control.

welcome and I hope you stay on the board, even just as a support to others.

[VenetianSnares]

welcome and I hope you stay on the board, even just as a support to others.

Thanks for the warm welcome. I'll stick around for a while probably. The only thing I'm worried about right now is sliding into the same patterns of avoidance and fear. You nailed it when you said giving up control is the key to overcoming the phobia, and I'll have to keep reminding myself of that fact.

[SiMama]

Thank you for sharing! I am so glad to read stories like this. I hate my avoidance behaviors. I keep trying to tell myself, 'if you're only avoiding this because of emet...stop! Just do it.' But my fear usually wins. I have been taking small steps, but I know it is going to come down to getting sick, dealing with it and realizing it's not that bad. But oh boy, the thought of that alone terrifies me!

[VenetianSnares]

I have been taking small steps, but I know it is going to come down to getting sick, dealing with it and realizing it's not that bad. But oh boy, the thought of that alone terrifies me!

I can totally relate. A month or two ago, I would have sold my soul to avoid v* if the deal existed. But it's the small steps that I took to get my thought patterns to change and come to terms that I don't want to carry this with me anymore. The only thing worse than getting food poisoning is avoiding everything you wanted to do out of fear of getting food poisoning. I'm still on the road to recovery, the small steps continue. For all of us I suppose.