Fear of v* while giving a presentation

[everythingwillbeok]

Hi. I've recently found this site while searching for help in concurring my mild case of anxiety, so I'm pretty new. I haven't been diagnosed with anything quiet yet, but I don't need a diagnosis to know that my life has been taking the turn for the worse this year. I'm a senior in high school, but most of my classes are at a college campus.

The beginning of the school year started off with sorrow everyday. It seemed my mood would fluctuated constantly within a day, and I soon lost sense of my identity in a way. I felt I was split from happy me and irrationally sad me.

I've always been afraid of v* but not like I am now. My fears first started when I was in the seventh grade. I have a sensitive stomach so I would often have loose bowels in the morning. Haha that's awkward to say. I've learned what I can and cannot eat and regulate my breakfast every morning even now.

All through out middle school and much of high school I would constantly be in the nurses office because of my stomach. The slightest uneasy made me automatically assume I'm sick. I know now that's not always the case and I intensify my own nausea.

My anxiety levels increase when I started the new semester this year. I remember I went to my first class and had my first experience of panic due to social situations. I've never been scared of going to class before than. I'm not sure what changed over the break but I feel like a completely different person. My anxiety attacks would come and go, and finally one day I had enough of it. At the time I didn't know what they were, so I asked my friend if she's ever felt that way. She told me yes and that I was having an anxiety attack. I remember when she told me this my heart sunk and I wanted to cry because I was finally coming to the realization that my anxiety is out of control. Even typing this makes me want to cry. I've been struggling all year with this problem and only told a few people. All they do it pity me. She also told me how she had fought social anxiety for years, and she would always escape to the restroom to cry and try to calm down. That also hit home because I've done the same thing. Talking to people of authority, people I like, in a situation where I cant leave, or speaking in front of people escalates my anxiety.

It wasn't unless a couple weeks ago that my fear of v* and my anxiety have intertwined into a hell storm.

When I was in class I would suddenly get nauseous and have to leave, and if I couldn't I would freak out and have an attack. The anxiety was uncontrollable. I've been trying to help myself with research and auto-recordings but I'm not sure if they're going the trick.

So now I have a presentation to do on the 25th of March and my worst fear is v* in front of everyone. I know I'm bringing all of this anxiety on to myself, but it's hard to control in the heat of the moment. I'm hoping by taking antacids it will relieve any early signs of nausea that will lead on to an anxiety attack, but there is a possibility I will cause myself to think I'm sick.

Any advice?

Any tricks?

Anyone else been in this situation?

[wobbly]

Hi there,

I have just found this site and I am very relieved to find someone else is in the same situation as me. I have had anxiety issues for a while but only recently I have realised that it all stems from a fear of v*. I have a number of coping mechanisms that I usually use to get by but I have just started at a new uni, in a very small class group, and have found that this new situation that I'm in is causing me extreme *n. I'm just so worried I am going to *v that when we're have group discussions or lectures, I just can't stop thinking about it. I just feel so trapped by this horrible combo of social anxiety and fear of *v and I just wish it wasn't even an issue so I could just focus on why I'm there.

I also have a presentation at the end of march and I am already starting to dread it. The dread has nothing to do with me not knowing what I'm presenting, it's just purely that I'm terrified of *v before or during the presentation.

I'm considering going to a doctor/councillor at the uni but even though it reassures confidentiality I am still worried that my lecturers will find out or my peers will know the councillor I will confide in. As as student I don't know if I could afford to see a private councillor outside of the uni. Perhaps I should see a councillor at a different university?

So, sorry at this point I don't have any advice to contribute but I'm hoping someone else can help us!

If I have any break throughs I will let you know asap!

Take care

[Mischief]

Visualising doing the thing you fear and imagining you making a complete success of it, and trying to really feel the types of feelings of success and confidence you would feel and playing it over and over til its like second nature can help you prepare. Athletes do it when theyre just about to race. They picture themselves crossing the finishing line, winning and feeling great and the crowd going wild or whatever! If you prepare and visualise the best situation over and over there is a much higher liklihood that will actually be what happens! And when you do do it well and dont have a panic etc, afterwards you must remember to concentrate on that feeling and really drum it into yourself that it actually went really well, despite what you were worrying about. The next time something comes up similar, you will remember that last time you were worried, and yet you got through it and was successful. Itll make the next time easier.

I prepare lots when I have presentations and make sure ive prepared everything well in advance and rehearsed so I know things inside out. After that theres not a lot else you can do. I try not to worry about something thats coming up until right before its to happen. I just block it out as the worrying doesnt make the time go faster or slower. The thing you have to face is still the same amount of days or hours away and its a waste of time and energy worrying about something you will still have to do. Whenever i remember it and it makes my tummy flutter, I just then block it out again as nothing can be done about it! Youll get better at this tactic when youve had a few successes and have proved to yourself that even though youre worried youll have a bad spell, you know you are very unlikely to actually have one. Every success you have makes you stronger the next time.

Cant you do a dummy run with someone you trust like friends of family? The rehearsal of your words will give you confidence, and the confidence will lessen the panic. And concentrate on your breathing so you dont initiate a panic attack, as its often the shortening and quickening of your breaths as you get anxious that starts a real panic attack and concentrating on breathing can stave it off. When I do presentations I really concentrate on not rushing to get everything out and get it over with, as I also have to do a lot of listening to feedback and be in a position to consider a proper response rather than just trying to hurtle towards the finish line, and taking it slowly (and sometimes speaking a bit quietly) not only calms you down, gives you time to think ahead to the next bit while youre on the last bit, but also makes people pay attention to you and listen harder so your presentation will actually do its job too!!!

Perhaps also find a "lucky something" like a stone or a special pen or something you know youll be able to hold in your hand while you do the presentation that you believe will make it ok. I used to have a few devices I trusted like my faithful magic jumper I always harp on about in the forums. My magic jumper made me feel better when i was stressing and nauseous. I convinced myself it would, and in the end it did work! It takes time to brainwash yourself about these calming/confidence inspiring devices but if you persist with it I believe you can make it work. But you mustnt use whatever the thing is on normal times, just when you need it to help you. I wore my magic jumper too much after I stopped feeling ill with nerves, and now when I have a sicky spell and I put it on it doesnt do anything!!! But I dont really need it now as I dont have panic related nausea any more so its done its job!

Also, tell yourself over and over that youre in control. It may feel loopy, but sit infront of the mirror and tell yourself out loud (with feeling, like you would tell a friend who needed your support) that you ARE strong, you ARE in control and you can do it. And do you know what, youre going to do it really well. Saying things out loud makes them real rather than just an idea of something in your head. Brain wash yourself in a good way; its surprisingly easy to do it!!!

I hope some of this makes sense and helps! I remember when I was recovering but still quite bad I was brave enough to start going to some adult education spanish classes, and the first one i went to on my own I had a mini panic attack that frightened me. But I stayed put and let it pass, and it never happened again after that. I kind of faced it and beat it, and gave myself confidence that I could manage it if it happened again. I also had a panic attack whilst sat in the dentists chair after Id been injected the anaesthetic thing (which was a complete shock as I wasnt aware I was that bothered about the proceedure I was going to have!), and I breathed through it and recovered and the dentist didnt even know! (He was doing something on the computer whilst he gave it a few minutes to take affect!) the week after I went back for further works and was worried when he injected me I would do it again, but I thought well if it happens it happens. No big deal, I can cope til it passes (and i wasnt really embarrassed about it, I bet theyve seen worse things happen in the chair!) and anyway, it didnt happen!

Also, Ive been getting really funny about blood and having blood taken and stuff and have created a bit of a problem for myself. A few months ago I went for a blood test and told the doctor I was worried Id have a faint spell as the last time they did it I went all funny. After theyd taken the blood it started so I just told her and she laid me down and fetched me some water and opened the window and generally mothered me a bit til it passed, and although its not pleasant and a bit freaky, not being frightened to admit it to the doctor made me feel better, and I sort of laughed through it a bit while it passed!! It gave me a good excuse to stop in the cafe and have a coffee and some cake after!!! Admitting we have these funny reactions to certain things is strangely empowering. Its not something to be ashamed of, its just a funny part of us. Thinking as positively as we can about these challenging things we have trouble with (like me laughing with the doctor whilst trying not to faint and telling her "i told you this would happen!!") helps us take the scare out of them so they can be tackled day-to-day a bit more effectively rather than them beating us down. Sometimes these things have to be accepted in order for them to then be placed in a position to be tackled bit by bit, as going against the flow can sometimes just impound them and make them an even bigger monster to deal with.

I hope some of this makes sense and can be of some help if even just a tiny bit. Ive had panic troubles like you, at my worst, and I still get nervy doing presentations and put pressure on myself. but I can see that Ive vastly improved from when I first started doing it. And I tell myself that every time, that i know ive improved and will continue to improve, and therefore I do! Not perfect yet, but practice makes and all that, and every time it gets easier, and I remember to pat myself on the back for the hard work and success, and put into perspective the bad, learn and move away from it straight away before it gets its claws in. Good luck!!! XXX

[wobbly]

Thank you Mischief,

I was a bit worried that by visiting these forums that I would read others stories and somehow it would make my own condition worse (eg start to adopt the behaviours of others that were negative reactions to sitautions I hadn't previously had a problem with) so I'm very glad that the first response to our specific problem is a very positive one

I have been inspired by your attitude, and that of those in the triumphs section, and it is very empowering to know that I am not alone. The more I look at it objectively, the more I realise that this is something that is just in my head and that to conquer it I need to change my attitude to it. It is not a problem that I have, there is nothing wrong with me. I have realised that when I am in a stressful situation my brain makes me think that I have something wrong with me and I am too stressed to pull back and see how ridiculous my thoughts are.

I've decided that today is the first day of my life. I cannot remember a time where I haven't been affercted by *v and on reflection it seems ridiculous to me that I have had this problem for over 20 years. From now on I will not let this stupid thing waste any more of my time or allow me to self sabotage the opportunities I am very fortunate enough to have. I can't wait to see what life will be like without it.

I have previously tried the self hypnosis recordings and they did work temporarily for me (eg I would be fine for the rest of the day) but I didn't habitually listen to them every day like it was recommended so the negative thoughts would seep back in. I also didn't go into it with a mindset like yours, so I'm committing to doing it again properly- listening to the tapes to aid myself with a good coping tool and adopt a mindset that knocks over these thoughts whenever they appear in my head. At the moment my biggest fear is the thought of the embarrassment I would feel it if it did happen. But then I realise that because of this fear I haven't *v'd for over 10 years- so I can control it! And if it were to happen, whats the worst that could happen? The more I think about it, the more I realise that even if it were to happen, the worst case scenario would just be what I think people would think of me, so as long as I don't really care about that then why would I worry about it?

It is all very well to say all of this now while I am sitting comfortably at home and I am not in my class about to present. But I have a hunch that if I keep thinking these determined positive thoughts, actively ensure that I think of them one, twice or many many times a day until the situation that invokes this *n response, then I might just be ok... I know from previous situations that as soon as I am out of the situation (eg I have left the class) the feelings disappear so it is clear that I don't have a *sv, it is just my clever body preparing to fight or flight. I just need to keep reminding my brain to stop preparing to fighting me!

[Mischief]

aww Bless you! I used to be really bad, I was bad for months and stopped eating and felt ill all day. If I ate i felt ill, if i didnt I felt ill. I started dreaming i was being sick and would retch in my sleep so hard it would wake me, then the immense fear of what had happened would hit me. And I worried that what if one night I would be sick in my sleep, and I stopped sleeping. I would curl up with a pillow in the kitchen floor (anywhere to be away from my bed where normal sleep took place, and this thing kept happening) then at about 4am I would finally drop off for a tiny bit and the bad dreams didnt seem to come. But as im sure you can imagine, this made an absolute mess of me. I lost 2 1/2 stones really rapidly, my appetite was zero and I had to practically force feed myself just a little toast every day to try and eat something. I couldnt even drink tea or coffee, just luke warm water as even cold water was too harsh on poor tummie. It was harrowing, and at the time I didnt know it was all stress related from the phobia (it started not long after I had a bug one february, over 10 year ago now, I think I was 19, am now nearly 31). I was at the docs a couple of times a week asking what was wrong with me. I had an endoscopy that showed nothing and despite telling them on numerous occasions I had a crippling phobia no one ever suggested treatment until I found out about it myself and requested it. The health service in the UK is crazy, there are so many times Ive heard stories of people having to diagnose themselves and go to the doctors and say "I found that this treatment is available, can I have it?" then they go "of course". you could go to them with one leg for years and say, I keep falling over as I only have one leg. And theyd go "hmm hmm I see" then after years youd find that you could get a prosthetic leg, and ask them for it and theyd give it you finally! Rarrr!!

It took me years to get better from my bad spell. It was incredibly slow and gradual. Eventually I realised what was causing it and started to see the patterns of how Id feel when anxious moments came. And once the penny finally dropped that it was in my head, I started battling the symptoms head on. I started telling myself "its your nerves again! Youre not ill! how many times has this happened and youve been fine, youre just faking!!" and this really stopped the cycle. It didnt cure the phobia but it got me in control and my life back.

When I was really bad I used to do some funny things. Like I say, I slept on the kitchen floor as I convinced myself that it was my bed that was giving me bad dreams and if I slept somewhere else id be ok, and my dumb brain took notice of this and it worked. I eventually moved back into my bedroom but slept on the floor at the end of the bed. I had my special jumper I put on when I felt nervy-ill and told myself it made me better, and it started to. I drank peppermint tea and told myself it made me better. I had some relaxation methods too to break the cycle of falling into feeling anxious-ill and my mum played lots of endless scrabble with me as that was something I found that would literally stop me feeling ill - I guess it made me concentrate enough to prevent subconscious brain creating ill feelings. All this stuff eventually made me realise it was controllable and was in my head. I started working at a company I used to work for to cover a lady's maternity leave, and it was incredibly hard at first. I still wasnt in a proper sleeping pattern and would almost fall asleep at my desk in the first couple of weeks due to how tired I was from the bad sleep, and now working into the bargain! But the work pattern gave me some regularity back to my life, and the hours made me physically tired so I gained a proper sleep pattern back, and although the first few weeks were really tough, working again actually speeded on my getting better. And its got better and better since then to the point I dont wake up any more and the first thing I think is "Do I feel sick? Am I ill?" and it used to be. Im by no means cured of the phobia, but largely Im cured from the symptoms the anxiety from it all creates, and then things get totally out of context and out of hand. I would only have a panic if subjected to V* but I dont worry im going to V* unless I got a bug. I'm in control of everything non-bug related and remind myself of that all the time, so I never worry i would get sick from nerves. Ive proved to myself that the ill feelings stem from brain not tummy. I get nervous doing presentations as Im in a sales job where basically your presentation theoretically should lead to a sale, and that puts pressure on me as I want to do well and be successful. I used to be a bag of nerves and by no means am perfect at it now, but like I said before Ive improved drastically and tell myself this will continue and I havent "topped out" yet, but will keep getting better the more I do. And i try and enjoy it. Most of the customers I speak to are fun and interesting and I know most of them like me, and the ones that arent interested in buddying up are only concentrating on the product rather than making a friend into the bargain, so its not personal! And I really do take the time to slow down, and listen to them properly, rather than hurrying to the end point, as the rushing really does snowball the anxiety feelings.

Im glad youve responded in such a positive way. I really believe you can do it. There are people on this site that seem to be in a really dark place, like how I described I was once, and i really feel for them and understand. But realising that this is something we have actually conditioned our own brains to think and we can put it into perspective and at least start dealing with the other symptoms that the stress of it manifests we can really start to turn things around, like I did. I just wish I had some help in those days as even I didnt know myself what was happening and the doctors were useless. My family didnt understand at the time, and I really was alone and had to do it the hard way. It sounds like youre in a good position to start working on letting things pick up for you. Some people are in such a bad place they cant consider the advice and it seems theres no way out, but it sounds like you can start to work on it. For me, realising my own brain was the main culprit and deciding I was going to control it rather than let it run away with me was a turning point, and having the magic device of special jumper etc. Something you can condition yourself to put your trust in that you believe gives you support no matter what can become a crutch if you have a bad day or bit of a relapse. And im a big believer of patting yourself on the back. Something really bad could happen that takes all your friends and family away (in theory) and you might only be left with yourself to take care of you, so youd better give yourself a bit of love! My dark spell put me in a border line suicidal state and I thought I was losing it, and ive often wondered (less and less of course as time passes) that something might happen that makes me slip back into those sorts of feelings where nothing picks you up, so I believe its important to acknowledge when youve done something to be proud of, no matter how small. We often disregard the good we do and concentrate on our failings and its no good for you! Self esteem and care for yourself makes handling all this bad stuff a lot easier, so I believe in only concentrating on the bad in order to learn from it then swiftly moving on to considering all the good you are and do!

Keep me up to date on how you get on with the positive thinking and if you get yourself a device to help you get through the rough patches. I really do think you should have some trial runs of your presentation to take the newness about it. By the time you come to doing it for real itll be same old same old! And youll have your magic pebble, pencil, sandwich to squeeze to give you back up (or whatever you pick!) I think youll do brilliant and youll be all "HA! In your FACE!" to the anxiety. You show it whos boss!

XX Clare XX

[wobbly]

Just wanted to check in to see how you went on the 25th @everythingwillbeok? I really hope that it went well

Wow, sorry it has been two weeks since you wrote that amazing (and bravely honest) post Clare and that I didn't reply sooner. I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through that and I am so happy for you that you have defeated it. I also want to thank you for your positivity and support. You don't know what this has meant to me.

When I read your post I was even more determined to defeat this issue. I am so lucky to have never had to experience anything like what you had to Clare and for me it was a bit of a wake up that I needed to do something about this before it gets that bad. That day I whenever a negative thought came into my head I kept telling myself that it's irrational, it's in my head. It's funny when you actively do that, you see just how many times such thoughts pop into your head on a daily basis. It's quite frightening really, to think that my brain talks to me like this so frequently in the day without me even noticing. I also tested this by thinking ahead about the presentation and simultaneously tried to swipe away the negative thoughts and worries and replace them with thoughts of previous situations where I had been fine had done a really good job to overcome my worry. I felt really good about it.

I was starting to feel much more confident but I wanted to test it. I get particularly nervous about public transport and try to avoid it as much as possible. I put on one of the hypnosis tapes, a short one I have that focuses on breathing techniques to use when *n sets in and I set off for the train station. All the way I kept repeating the exercise of combating the negative thoughts and really mentally preparing for the train. I also slowed down my walking pace and tried to remain as physically relaxed as possible. I got on the train and I felt fine but I still decided to plug in the old reliable headphones which are a bit of a clutch for me on transport to help me escape. The train was relatively empty and I felt really good, not letting any thoughts of worry in and my tummy was fine, I wasn't getting panicked and this made me feel really good about myself. I kept telling myself how good I was doing and this really helped. Coincidently, a song came through my headphones that was about defeat and winning. Instead of knocking away the thoughts of worry with the above comments, instead I began repeating the lyrics in my head as it played to replace my own negative thoughts. It was amazing how good this made me feel. I felt in control and at the end of the 20 minute ride I disembarked feeling amazing. I then walked around the busy town for about an hour without a care in the world. Something that I rarely feel in public. The way home on the train was just as good.

After this experience I vowed to keep up the active combating of negative thoughts, and keep practicing the breathing techniques taught in the hypnosis. I decided that if I was going to be ok for this big presentation in two weeks, I needed to keep changing myself continuously, every day if possible. For the next two weeks I did things that made me feel uncomfortable. I tried to take public transport instead of foot/bike including at peak hour. I also made myself take train rides without my headphones on. I drove a car (something I am terrified of) just to the shops and back, I went to public lectures, I went to a market at the busiest time of the day. I went out for drinks at night, I had a large lunch in town knowing that the only way to get home was via public transport. Not all of these things were easy! Coincidently on the train ride without my headphones on, there was a group of kids and one of them pretended to *v on their friend for a laugh! What are the odds! When I realised what was going on I tried to keep relaxed and kept telling myself that there was nothing to worry about and reassured myself that I was going to beat this. Another train ride was a late night, friday night train ride full of drunks. I also caught up with a friends and at one point a friend left the room and we noticed after about 10 minutes that she hadn't returned. We found her outside recovering from the onset of a bug that had been going around her workplace. Somehow I remained calm and was even able to comfort her! I know it sounds like I was doing really well but there were instances where I relapsed. I was in the supermarket and this little girl had this horrendous cough that sounded like she was almost gagging. At first she was in the aisle next to mine but somehow kept ending up in my aisle. I couldn't keep calm, I had to keep vastly walking off to another aisle much to the frustration of my partner (who has no idea about any of my problems). I felt very disappointed with myself. But when I got home, I put on a tape and was determined to not let this stop me.

Another thing I did during this two weeks was to go to the 'scene of the crime' (so to speak!) every day. I went to my university and worked at my university everyday when I would normally study from home.

About a week before my big presentation, an opportunity came up to make a small presentation a group of students in a lower year group. Knowing that this would be good for me I jumped at the chance. It was in the late afternoon and it occupied my thoughts most of the day, largely because I had to prepare a presentation for it. Once I had finished preparing I still had a few hours and didn't want to have my head full of worry about the presentation. So I got everything ready and packed in my bag, properly dressed so that when I needed to leave I could just calmly pick up my bag and walk to the train (not be rushed and half run out the door). I set a timer for two hours, which is when I needed to leave, and I picked an unrelated item on my to-do list that I had been meaning to get to for a long time. Knowing that everything was ready for me to leave and that a timer was set so I didn't have to keep looking at the clock, I set to work. I knocked over the task with 20 minutes to spare and decided to leave early for the presentation and just really take my time to get there. I was actually surprised how good I felt. I had been meaning to do this thing for ages and hadn't had enough concentration to do it. Normally before a presentation I would be 100% focused on my worry. Instead I had removed my thoughts about this worry and I was able to focus 100% on the task. Having also accomplished something, during a time that I would normally be a wreck, I felt fantastic. I arrived at the presentation feeling really confident in myself. I gave the presentation, with only a few nerves to begin with, and it went really well. I made sure to really focus on how good I felt from this afterwards so that I could carry that with me to the big presentation.

So the big day rolled up. The presentation was at mid day. I didn't want to turn up a nervous wreck and knowing how well the earlier presentation had gone was still fresh in my head. I also decided to keep myself busy before hand. I set about undertaking a menial task that needed doing and actively tried to keep my thoughts positive. When I arrived at the presentation I felt good. Surprisingly good. I kept patting myself on the back at how good I was feeling. I sat through the others presentations, something that usually fills me with dread as I wait for my turn on the chopping block. I was aware that this is when I normally bury myself in negative thought so I actively tried to avoid this. I focused as much as I could on what the others were saying, taking notes even though I didn't need to and when my thoughts got really bad I focused on doodling in my notebook, focusing on my breathing whilst repeating the song lyrics in my head to pump myself up. I was surprised how well this worked. At one point a thought about *v came in my head and I just told myself to stop being stupid, I only *v when I have a bug, and I didn't have a bug so if I felt *n it was just my brian being irrational. I went away. When my turn came I felt good just before I started. I forced myself to smile, which really help and I got started. At first I could feel my face getting really red as everyones attention turned to me. But I took a deep breath and told myself that this was nothing and I had done so well earlier this week, this was no different. And that was it basically! I was fine. I didn't feel *n. And after my presentation i was able to sit through the others totally relaxed, I even contributed to a group discussion afterwards without any problems.

Sorry that this is ridiculously long but I just wanted to share my methods for overcoming my fear in presentations in the hope that this might help others. It can be done. It's just a matter of realising that there is nothing wrong with you, it is just your own brain that is having these thoughts that trigger the feelings on *n in a bid to protect you. If you can get rid of the thoughts, the feelings of *n go with it. As I hope my story shows, it doesn't happen straight away. You can't just go to your presentation on the day trying this out. It took me two weeks of actively testing myself, accumulating little wins to use as evidence against the negative thoughts. Even though this has gone better than expected for me, I am not going to stop now. I am still actively challenging myself and actively practicing the techniques. I want to be able to pursue all of my career goals without any impact negative impact to my health. I want to be able to go to a concert. I want to be able to think about having kids. I want to feel able to walk into a hospital, either for myself or to comfort a friend, without any worry. I hope to one day get to a point where the positive thoughts just come naturally and I can sit back and think wow, I can't remember the last time I thought about *v or had a panic attack. I don't know how long it might take for this day to come but I am confident it will happen

[Mischief]

Wow thats amazing! Im so glad its working for you!! It just goes to show, that how our brains work to create a phobia pretty much subconsciously they can also be used consciously to make you feel good, positive and confident. I have a presentation to do tomorrow and im nervous about it so Im going to have to practice what I preach and think positively about it and just keep calm as rushing things gets me stressed and out of breath and then I cant speak! And people really notice im having trouble then which makes the whole thing worse. My problem is im presenting something Im rather unprepared for as I thought my colleague was going to do it until he said something last week that made me realise im going to be left on my own to do it. And I dont even know anything about the products and prices hes suggesting for this customer so as soon as they ask me a question im going to go BLANK!!!! But whatever, if it means I dont sell the thing im not going to consider it my fault so that lessens the worry!!!

Its really good that you put yourself into the "Danger Zone" too by going on the bus and doing all those things. Youre right, you worry that something bad will happen but if you do the thing that is frightening or considered higher risk, more often than not a V situation will not arise and then you can congratulate yourself that you were brave and convince yourself that it isnt hiding round every corner for you. Every little win you make strengthens your positive feelings and every new challenge is made so much more easier by the wins youve achieved before. As soon as I was able to put myself outside the comfort zone and realised that nothing scary was happening, I got braver and braver and could do more and more so much quicker. And then the worrying about how I felt myself physically started to stop, and I could get up and go about my business without even a thought to if I felt unwell etc.

The times where a bit of something worrying happens while taking these risks can be useful too, like when the child was coughing or the kids on the bus were making v noises, as afterwards you can tell yourself "they were only pretending, it wasnt anything serious, just kids messing around " etc etc and you can start to laugh at things like that and not just be disgusted or frightened and put back to square one. The other week I was with my mum at a garden centre cafe thing and this young child kept having coughing fits as if he was going to make himself gag, and we were sat on the next table, and I tried my best to just keep talking to my mum (albeit I was kind of turned away from looking at them!!!) and in the end they finished and left and he didnt get sick. After theyd gone I told my mum that it was difficult for me sitting there while he was coughing like that but I was trying to be brave, and I resisted asking her to move. And I was telling myself in my head that hes just a little boy with an unpleasant cough and im sure its much worse for him suffering with it than it is for me listening to it, and if he is sick with it he cant help it (although of course I was really hoping he wouldnt and theyd just get up and go!!).

Im very far indeed from being cured of the phobia. I dont watch a lot of things on telly as im worried about what will be in them. I dont go to the cinema unless something is preapproved by someone I trust! I wouldnt like to go into the town on a fri or sat night for drinks due to the stupid irresponsible people that will be also there etc so I do still find things hard. I consider there are two aspects though, theres the parts of your life you can forgo without too much bother, like not going drinking in town n stuff, and there the phobia can be managed pretty well as theyre things I dont much care about doing anyway, but when the phobia starts to make you feel unwell just doing the normal daily things we need to do like going on the bus or just going to work etc is when it can be particularly debilitating and life isnt what it should be. Ive managed to cope with that part now rather well, and as long as you dont go back a step it gets better and better. The stuff I have trouble with now would probably be helped with some good therapy, although when I tried that before it was a complete failure so I would have to be careful about the therapist next time. Until I feel ready to do that (which I suppose I really should!) I dont do so bad, it doesnt get in the way that much and the things it does make me feel twice about I dont much mind not bothering to do anyway. And Im lucky, I have a partner I was totally honest with and basically laid it on the line about if Im not doing something im not doing it!! And if you dont like it bog off!! And if he wants to watch a movie with you know what in it I go on the computer upstairs of he watches it when im at work and hes off! Having someone who really understands, or at least wont make you do things, is a great weight off the old mind! You should tell your partner just how it affects you then they can also offer help and support and encouragement. It can also be a huge worry and stress trying to avoid situations when you dont want people to find out about your troubles. And my motto is if theyre not willing to understand they can get lost! I mean I have to put up with a hell of a lot more stuff about my partner than he does with my phobia. He has terrible taste in music, can only sing along to songs falsetto, likes rubbish TV like Dr Who and star trek stuff and wears really grandaddy slippers and has lego hair. And he only puts the washing up liquid in when hes run the whole sink full of water so there are no bubbles which really winds me up! (if the bubbles werent meant to be useful why would they make it bubble up!!??) My phobia is tip of the iceberg really!

So, Im really glad that what Ive been through has offered a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I really wish someone would have identified what was happening to me at the time and could have supported and encouraged me through it. The only people in my life really that could have helped me just looked at me a bit weird and couldnt offer any words as they didnt really understand what was going on - im sure they thought id gone a bit loopy - and they were just kind of present during it without really doing anything. At least if people in a similar situation to what I was then read that I managed to get better and how it happened, they can hopefully try and start doing the things that helped me straight away rather than it taking an age to work out what works by trial and error and happenstance. I really wouldnt want anyone to suffer for the length of time I did and so alone in it. It was a long time wasted that I wasnt living.

You should keep me updated on how you get on, Wobbly, as im sure having a buddy going through the same thing can only help beat it quicker by sharing successes etc.

Thank you for your story, its great to know that someone else can also encourage themselves back to feeling better and it shows that everyone should be able to do it. Me and you have both done it so why not everyone else!?

Byee for now XclareX