Hello all!
I have suffered from the fear of V* for as long as i can remember, and im now 28 years old. Going to work has gotten easier because i work for a small law firm with two girls who are my friends. My boss is also very young and understanding, i basically consider him family.
Let me just say, i suffer from severe anxiety and panic disorder and have been on zoloft for 10 years. I also suffer from acid reflux, which is partially caused from the stress. i have been in the hospital twice for a stomach ulcer.
I had the stomach flu once in my life. i v* twice...back to back...and held the rest for a week until i was better. this phobia has never subsided. the only time i have felt "okay" with the thought of v* is right after i do it...because then i know at least im probably safe for a few more years before i get sick again. (havent since then..2 years in counting).
Being that i am getting older, i have seriously thought about having children. i adore kids. i have 12 cousins who i watched grow from birth, my sister in law has twins (now 3), and my brother has a ten month old baby. i have always dreamed of becoming a mother. this fear has almost taken that out of me. i desperately want to feel the joys of pregnancy but have heard so many horror stories of morning sickness. nausea i can deal with. i am nauseous almost every single day of my life and i manage to get through it. im terrified of having to drive, having to work, do anything when i decide to get pregnant. people say there is no control, you v* at any given moment and you cannot hold it. (i have become a master at holding it). i understand there are meds...i have taken zofran many times. what if my doctor refuses to prescribe it? what if it doesnt work? what if i develop hyperemisis gravidium.
all of these thoughts plague me. i have run out of options. i already have began my research on surrogacy and adoption because i know the fear alone of morning sickness would cause me so much stress it could harm my body and my baby. my boyfriend says he will support whatever decision i make. (he was adopted)
does anyone else have this problem? has anyone else avoided pregnancy altogether? it saddens me in my heart to think i will never feel a baby growing inside me, but i really feel i have no other choice.
thanks for listening.