My Life With Emetophobia
I'm so glad I found this website. It's nice to know I'm not alone and being irrational. I can already tell this post is going to be long. I really need to talk to people who understand, when I tell my friends I have a phobia of sick, they think I'm being overly dramatic and that I just don't like it, like everyone else. Here, I feel I can talk without being paranoid about people thinking Im being pathetic.
I've had emetophobia ever since I was little. My earliest experience of it was when I was around 4 or 5 and my family would often travel to a city around 2 hours from where we live. My cousin used to get carsick a lot and whenever she threw up, I'd have to frantically cover my ears and eyes until I was absolutly sure she'd stopped. One time I remember, I got so worked up that I began to panic that because I used my hands to cover my ears, and thought I couldn't do anything to close my eyes, forgetting I could shut them!
Since then, whenever someone complains they feel sick or they have a stomach ache, my heart skips a bit in fear and I'm constantly paranoid and will then do anything I can to avoid them, which worries me because all my life I've wanted to be a mum and I want to be able to take care of my kid when they're sick, not hide away feeling totally pathetic and selfish.
My most recent experience of being around sick people, was last weekend when I went to a music festival and my friends were drinking and starting throwing up. When the first one started I managed to panic internally and not make a fool out of myself, I think it was because it was so quick, with no warning, and was so over really quickly. Once I calmed down from that, my other friend began to complain that she was feeling sick, I begged them to open the tent because I began to feel so claustraphobic, terrified she was going to be sick in the tent. I had to hide in my sleeping bag, shut my eyes and cover my ears just like I did when I was little. Then she coughed and I couldn't help but shake uncontrollably and cry. Thankfully, my friend, who threw up earlier was better and she comforted me during my panic attack. I'd never experienced fear like that before and being away from home, it scared me even more. I couldn't calm down for ages. Thankfully my best friend understands me, and she called me to make sure I was okay. I don't know what I'd do without her.
I wasn't really that bad about me throwing up until I was older, around 10 years old. I can't really pinpoint an experience that caused this. But for years now if I ever feel sick, I instantly start panicking which makes me feel sicker, and the nerves itself sometimes make me feel like I'm going to throw up, it's quite a horrible circle. I know its usually mind over matter most of the time, but no matter how many times I tell myself this, I can't seem to calm down once I've got myself worked up. I get paranoid over really irrational thing. For example, if my friend who I've been in contact with for as little as five minutes, has been in contact with someone whp's recently thrown up, I will convince myself, I'll catch whatever made them throw up. Because Im anticipating that Im going to be ill, I end up feeling ill. I'm pretty certain if I hadn't got paranoid I'd feel normal. When I do feel sick, I almost never end up throwing up, I will usually pace and take deep breaths to try and stop myself being sick. I've also recently taken up to praying to my dad in heaven, in a desperate attempt to feel better, I'll make deals with him like, I'll stop swearing if he can make me feel better. It sounds silly, but it gives me comfort and helps me feel better.
I feel like if I tell people this, they'll tell me to stop being pathetic and get a grip, but they don't know how badly it can affect your life. I felt like I really needed to talk about it. Thanks to anyone who reads this and replies. I'd love to be able to talk to someone who shares this phobia, so if you're interested, post below. Thank you for letting me get all this out, I think it's actually helped because I've been dealing with this in secret for so long
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