New here and grateful I found you!

[athenaia]

Hi all (lonnnnnnng post, so sorry!!),

I'm new here and I've spent a lot of time in the past two weeks going through the posts and reading about other people's experiences - their triggers, their successes, their bad days, their superstitions, everything. And I'm just so glad this forum exists, because I've finally found a place where I can talk about my emet!

I'm nearly 24 and I've been emet for as long as I can remember. I'm much less afraid of v* myself than of being near other people who v*, although I am petrified at the thought of v* in public. I read the "Get the Facts" sticky and apparently this form of emetophobia is much less common than the personal fear of v*, but based on what I've read in the forums, it looks like a lot of people here have the same fears in addition to being afraid of personally v*, so I hope to find a supportive community here.

I have never handled v* very well, although when I was quite small I apparently had sv* all the time, in addition to severe motion sickness (I have only hazy memories of this time in my life but I do remember having sv* quite a lot). I guess I first became actively avoidant in kindergarten, as I remember being disgusted by other children being sick. I had the essential "personal growth" experience of v* in front of my entire third-grade class (and then on myself and then on my father and his car), and while I've never been sick in public since, I have been sick at school, although fortunately never at work.

Being sick while away from home is perhaps the single largest part of my emet. I am terrified at the thought. I couldn't cope with someone (anyone) seeing/hearing/knowing about me v*. In the "Get the Facts" sticky, the author says "my flawed thinking was that it would show I was a vile, putrid, worthless human being that anyone would abandon and no one could possibly love." That is EXACTLY how I feel about it. And it's pretty much how I feel about other people v*; rage and horror and disgust. If it's someone I know and care about, I shove that down and try to muster all my sympathy (even though this is usually an outlet for my anxious questions of "do you feel okay now? Do you think you've got a virus? Do you think you might v* again? Can I get you something to stop you v* again?" I'm trying to be kind but I'm sure I come across as a nervous nit.). But if it's a stranger, the rage and horror get full rein and I usually vent it to my girlfriend with words like "What the hell is wrong with them? Why did they have to do that? Get that child off the bus! God, I hate kids! I hate students! I hate drunks!" etc, etc. When I calm down again, I feel bad for my generalizations, but at the time, it's a kneejerk reaction. And it's how I expect anyone would react to me if I were so stupid/callous/horrible as to be sick in front of them.

Whenever someone at work complains of feeling unwell, I have two immediate thoughts: do NOT v* where I have to know about it, and don't give it to me!! Escape plans begin forming in my mind before I'm even conscious of it. I feel this surge of resentment towards the unwell person. I hate them for telling me (or being in earshot telling someone else). it's like someone saying "The building's on fire, btw" and then expecting me to be calm. And I have to maintain a professional demeanour while fighting against my urge to shout "GO HOME, THEN! BEFORE YOU CONTAMINATE THE BUILDING!"

I'm not sure where my emet originated, although having a lot of sv* as a child surely didn't help. But my mother has lupus and a VERY weak stomach and has literally v* about once a day my entire life. Sometimes she feels sick all day and v* a lot. Sometimes she's fine and then suddenly Unbearably Ill for a week. Sometimes we'd be out and about and she'd abruptly have to RUN for a bathroom. And she'd always v* incredibly loudly. She even v* in the car a couple of times (thankfully I was not there but of course she told me about it). She has no compunction about telling people when she feels sick, or has been sick, or is about to be sick. And yet despite feeling sick she'd go out to eat. She'd insist on going to work even though she could work from home. I have no idea why she felt she had to go ANYWHERE when so sick, but she always did. And then would come home midday and v* some more. The thing is, I'm sure she's an emetophobe as well, because she was never very sympathetic when I had an sv* (probably afraid she'd catch it!). And through various behaviors she managed to make me feel that being sick was a nuisance to everyone and utterly repulsive. Constant exposure to her v* did not make me immune to the thought; somehow it only reinforced the idea that it was bad and wrong and terrible to v* and to make others deal with it.

I used to have full-blown panic attacks as a teenager, complete with d*, crying, shaking like a leaf, hot-and-cold chills, the works. My dad basically said "Stop faking this crap" and my mother never understood either. Eventually I got over that, with the help of my girlfriend (who was, ironically, bulimic!! I've no idea how I survived that one...). And my emet doesn't rule my life, although it nearly did for a few years there. I have "safety kits" like other people here, and I'm a serial handwasher, and I could never have kids in my current state because I'd blame them for being ill.

My emet is so centered on this idea that v* is unacceptable and makes me a bad person, and I'm wondering if anyone else here experiences it that way.

And this is the LONGEST POST EVER, so I'll shut up now. :

~Athena

[elizam]

Whenever someone at work complains of feeling unwell, I have two immediate thoughts: do NOT v* where I have to know about it, and don't give it to me!!

Me too. Actually, I've gotten over the seeing other people vomit thing but I still panic if I feel like I might vomit myself.

There are a lot of people here who will identify with you and what you've written. Welcome to the community. It's a great support system.

[MelP]

I'm so glad you posted no matter how long!

I am a 35 year old woman suffering from varying degrees of emet for most of my life. I can trace my fear back to a single episode in school, like many others. I will never forget the teacher's look at me and what she said. I actually was sitting right outside a bathroom because I didn't feel good, but wasn't quite sure what was going on with me. She gave me this terribly disgusted look and said,"What's the matter with you??? The bathroom is right there!!!"

I am now a mother and I think I literally would go ghetto on any teacher who said that to my child! Because I know what it did to me and I do not want my child to experience this crippling, embarressing fear.

Having said that, I have gotten irrate with some of my closest friends when they bring their ill children around mine. I understand getting quite frustrated with people who are obviously not feeling well and just going about their day. I'm saying in my head, "GO HOME. Nobody wants your illness and whatever you think you need to do can wait till you are well, you selfish thing!" I have hurt my friends feelings before because of not acting sympathetic enough when their children have gotten ill. However, I would never yell at a child or adult for being sick. Because I wouldn't want that either. I usually get fidgety, exit abruptly making some lame excuse. I'm thinking I spare them. They don't have to get their feelings hurt seeing me have panic attacks and act like a heartless wierdo.

The worst part is I wish I could be less selfish. I wish I could think of the other person when they are ill. But all I can think about is "Oh my goodness, please don't let me get it". It's terrible. To be selfish and not know how to not be that way.

After reading your story though, I am puzzled as to how you could conclude your mom was an emet. She sounded 'typical' to me. When I say typical I mean it in the way that we as emets are NOT typical. She could carry on her life and fear of v or even v itself didn't stop her. Am I wrong?

[MelP]

I'm guessing the reason your mother wasn't as sympathetic to you when you had sv is because really, to 'normal' people, it isn't a big deal. Kids v. And they do it alot. They do it and then they are better. Running around, freaking out is what emets do. Non-emets figure, "No big deal. My kid has a little tummy upset." It isn't a big deal to non-emets.

My grandma used to encourage me to go v. She figured I'd feel better afterwards, which usually most people do. I think most parents just take care of their ill children same way with any other illness. It's really no big deal.

To them

[Rebecca85]

I have to say, I am a lot like the OP! I am now teaching myself to feel sorry for people who are ill, but it's EXTREMELY hard. I can now look at a small child who is unwell and think 'poor thing' but older children, adults and self inflicted? No way! Even with my close family and my boyfriend, I kind of take it personally that they are ill (weird I know) and because I can't rant at them I internalise it and have flashbacks and nightmares and stuff for weeks. With a stranger I tell my boyfriend what I'm feeling and I don't care if they hear! Like one time I was on a fishing trip and this one woman was very ill and I just kept saying 'why the hell would you come on a boat trip when you get seasick?'. In my mind, that's self inflicted. But anyway, I'm kind of glad to hear I'm not the only one who has these crazy thoughts!

[athenaia]

Thanks, Eliza! I hope exposure therapy might help with my fear of seeing others v* but am not sure where or how to begin. It's the loss of control that really freaks me out, more than anything, like a sudden injection of chaos into my daily existence. Which makes me feel like I have no control over the situation (which is of course true, but I live mostly within a carefully maintained fiction that I have control over my environment and everyone in it), which then makes me feel incredibly insecure. V* is disgusting, but so is, say, roadkill, and I can go about my day unaffected by that. Not sure why v* frightens me so badly!!

[athenaia]

Having said that, I have gotten irrate with some of my closest friends when they bring their ill children around mine. I understand getting quite frustrated with people who are obviously not feeling well and just going about their day. I'm saying in my head, "GO HOME. Nobody wants your illness and whatever you think you need to do can wait till you are well, you selfish thing!" I have hurt my friends feelings before because of not acting sympathetic enough when their children have gotten ill. However, I would never yell at a child or adult for being sick. Because I wouldn't want that either. I usually get fidgety, exit abruptly making some lame excuse. I'm thinking I spare them. They don't have to get their feelings hurt seeing me have panic attacks and act like a heartless wierdo.

The worst part is I wish I could be less selfish. I wish I could think of the other person when they are ill. But all I can think about is "Oh my goodness, please don't let me get it". It's terrible. To be selfish and not know how to not be that way.

THIS. Exactly this - I swear you've read my mind here! I feel like such a horrible person for not caring how my ill friends/relatives feel, just wanting them to go away and deal with it in private (in quarantine, preferably!!). And I really have to fight myself to be more charitable. But every second of forced sympathy is filled with alarm bells going off in my head and I'm torn between MAKING myself stay and "deal with it" and getting the hell out of dodge. Sometimes I can hardly hear myself saying all those pointless sympathetic things because my thoughts of "GET AWAY GET AWAY GET AWAY" are so overwhelming. and yet at the same time, the entire reason I stay and say those things is because I know that I would want to be treated with the same degree of sympathy and respect if I felt ill (and I often feel ill). I'm hoping that by trying to be kind to others even when my instinct is to rage and cry and run away, I'll receive their kindness in return if, God forbid, I should ever v* in front of them.

Re: my mother - it's weird; she v* all the time and she would go about acting as if everything was normal, so in that way she was definitely 'typical'. But on the other hand, she would never deal with me or my brothers when we v* and she was always utterly disgusted by it (and us). I remember being made to feel quite guilty whenever I was sick, as if I had deliberately done something bad. So possibly she's a bit emet, and can cope with her own v* but not anyone else's??

[athenaia]

Yeah, she's 'typical' in that she can v* and keep on with her day, but untypical in that she hated the thought of anyone else v* and used to make me feel like a complete nuisance for being sick at all. I still have gnawing guilt about taking any time off work (even housework! nevermind my job!) for being ill, and if I'm sick to my stomach, which is often and probably down to anxiety, I feel as if no-one will believe me. Or if they do, they'll be disgusted and mean about it. Which is probably completely untrue, but it was my childhood experience and those are so hard to unlearn...

[athenaia]

Even with my close family and my boyfriend, I kind of take it personally that they are ill (weird I know) and because I can't rant at them I internalise it and have flashbacks and nightmares and stuff for weeks.

Yes! Exactly!! I don't find that weird at all, because it's precisely how I react - as if the ill person is doing it ON PURPOSE to frighten me. And then I have to repress all my anger and anxiety and paste on a smile and a concerned look and ask them if they want/need anything, and act as if I am a normal person. (who am I fooling?!)

Re: what you said about the seasick woman, I feel you! If you KNOW you're going to be ill in certain circumstances/environments, why on earth would you put yourself in them? Why would you inflict your vile, v*ing self on innocent bystanders? if you're a little kid, fair enough - God knows I was frequently sick as a little kid, and I remember that physically, you get almost no warning. One moment you're fine, the next, you're v* and feeling awful. But older kids are more body-aware and should know better, and adults most certainly should. If you're ill, stay home! I do not have sympathy for you if you v* in the morning and then came in to work anyway! My colleague did this last week and spent all day complaining about how sick she felt, and I and a co-worker kept urging her (as politely as possible) to JUST GO HOME and she insisted that she had too much to do and couldn't possibly blah blah blah. I'm sorry, but no-one is so indispensable that they need to come to work when v*.

One of the greatest things about this forum is the ability to rant to people who understand!!

[hairyfairy]

I can really relate to the threads on this page, I can`t help but feel angry when I see someone V, I think "was that really necessary, your`e disgusting! It does`nt matter if it`s in real life, or on TV, in a movie, it just makes my skin crawl. as for people who love to bombard us with stories about their recent bout s of Vting, I really don`t want to hear about how many times, colour, consitency, or amount, thank you very much. The trouble is that "normal" people seem to love all that, & will tell a V story of theiir own in return. I usually find an excuse to leave the room when the subject comes up. GROSS!!!!

[beccabubba]

I have to agree with most of these posts about non emets just carelessly going about their day as normal. I remember my son going to school one day and while we were waiting to go in, this crazy mother said "Oh my little boy was up all night with diarhoea and sickness but I cant keep him home as I have an appointment" I thought WTF??????? Me and a few other non emet mothers sort of shuffled up and one even told her to get her child out of here and take him home. I personally was livid. Not only did I not want to catch it, but the boy must have felt awful. I also took my son out of private nursery when he was little as I saw too often parents (the hardcore working sort) bring their child in with Calpol and stuff just because they couldnt take time off. It was disgraceful.
Over time my children have driven me wild when they say "I dont feel well" Im a questioning freak when they say that and I do anything to distract them. I swear I would dig them gold if it would stop them complaining and frightening me!!!
When I drop my daughter off at nursery Im all ears listening to hear if anyone has been sick. If they have I would and HAVE taken my child out of school to avoid it. Despite knowing deep down that this is ridiculous as it can spread in a matter of time.
I hate people who say they have been sick and just came back into work, or even worse say they have just been sick in the toilet and come back in to finish their shift!!!! GO HOME!
But I do think the majority dont think like us, so we have to assume we are the ones with the problem. Although saying that, if my kids or me were ill I would never invite someone else over as I wouldnt want anyone else to get it.

[MelP]

But I do think the majority dont think like us, so we have to assume we are the ones with the problem. Although saying that, if my kids or me were ill I would never invite someone else over as I wouldnt want anyone else to get it.[/QUOTE]


Well, I think that normal lies somewhere in the middle. No, we are a little nutty and go overboard, but I get angry at parents taking sick kids to school because they can't take off work. What? And I can when my kid gets sick from your kid?

People just don't stay home when they are ill from anything. That's why the CDC has to tell people to stay home when ill. Seriously? Duh.

[athenaia]

...we are a little nutty and go overboard, but I get angry at parents taking sick kids to school because they can't take off work. What? And I can when my kid gets sick from your kid?

People just don't stay home when they are ill from anything. That's why the CDC has to tell people to stay home when ill. Seriously? Duh.

I KNOW, RIGHT. it's this mentality of "Oh, but I couldn't possibly take any time off, I'm too important/my job is too important/I've got so much to do" blah blah blah. And what these people fail to realize is that if they are ill, they are PROBABLY CONTAGIOUS. And that means that not only they will perform poorly and possibly need time off, but that the rest of the department is at risk because ill people insist on coming in. Ultimately what could have been one person's private bout of noro becomes the entire department's two-week saga of sick-days and leaving-earlys and "I feel rubbish but I'm here because I'm just so dedicated - however my performance will suck, because I feel rubbish." it kills productivity and the company line at ANY company should be "Don't come in if you're ill".

The same goes triply for schools!! Good grief, why on EARTH would you dump your toxic child (who feels awful and probably just wants to curl up in bed) in the midst of a load of other children, thereby practically ensuring that 40%+ of his/her classmates will fall ill? This is schooltime lost for the child, work-time lost for parents who bother to stay home, teaching time lost for the teachers, and a miserable time for everyone. It is NOT a display of Dedication and High Motives to go to work when you are ill or to send your sick child to school. And it sends the wrong message to those parents and colleagues who DO opt to stay home/keep their kids home when they're ill - it says "you're lazy, look at me, I come in even when I'm v*!"

As if we don't feel paranoid and guilty enough without people making light of ACTUAL ILLNESS.

[MelP]

It is NOT a display of Dedication and High Motives to go to work when you are ill or to send your sick child to school. And it sends the wrong message to those parents and colleagues who DO opt to stay home/keep their kids home when they're ill - it says "you're lazy, look at me, I come in even when I'm

Agreed! But it will probably be that I am being weird and paranoid when I get upset about these things. Ok fine.

[Rebecca85]

Athenaia- I totally agree! I work in a school, and probably 9/10 when a child is sick at school they tell us they were sick last night. And when you ask the parents about it, they say 'yes, but he ate a bit of breakfast so I thought he'd be fine' or something similar. We have one family of kids, there are 5 of them at our school, and everyday for the past 2 weeks or so we have had to send at least one child home because they feel ill. Just keep the lot off till they're all better!

But it seriously winds me up, quite apart from the emet I have a suppressed immune system and these parents are putting me at risk. I don't want to end up in hospital or on even more drugs because some parents don't want to look after their own kids (the family I mentioned before- they have a toddler as well so mum or aunty or grandma is always home looking after the little one, so nobody would even have to be off work).

And we do send out letters reminding people that kids should be off for 24 hours after the last bout of illness, but when kids are sick at home school doesn't always find out till it's too late.

//rant over