made a FIRM decision, no more tittering

[mbs730]

Okay this day has been a turning point for me. As you
are all well aware I have been going nuts with the emet lately, its
just been consuming me more than anything lately. I've been thinking,
thinking and thinking about it, and driving myself up the wall. I am so
tired of this emet and want to be free of it once and for all. I mean
what is going to happen when my kids get sick and I KNOW its going to
happen at some point? As you know I am more phobic of others vomiting
than I am of myself. I am so phobic of others vomiting that I feel this
hatred towards them if they have been sick and yes my SIL is not a nice
person but I think in reality a good chunk of why I feel the way I do
about her is because of how she v's and doesnt make a big deal out of
it. And I know its absolutely rediculous that I cannot forgive my
husband for v'ing the night my daughter was born even though he had
more than made up for that and the other bad things that had
done. Of course I had forgiven him for the other bad things that
he did but the fact that he v'ed I cant. I also have a friend who does
v a lot and I am ALWAYS picking on her and so quick to judge her about
other things that are not necessarily related to v than I do with my
other friends, and what is behind all of that? Because she v's so
easily. I came to the conclusion that I am resentful because I am
JEALOUS that they can do it..period! I know it sounds strange but it
makes sense to me. However because of feeling that way, there is no way
I can go through exposure therapy or anything like that unless I do the
dirty deed myself first and I mean that. So this morning I woke up and
the first thing I thought of was marching to the pharmacy and buying
that ipecac once and for all. So I dropped the kids off to my parents'
went to the drug store and as soon as I had entered my heart started
pounding and I felt all panicky. Then I went over to the counter and
basically froze, I was staring into space and just basically was on the
verge of having a panic attack. Apparently the pharmacist had asked me
several times if there was something she could help me with since I was
standing there. I then said something like "ummmm no actually its okay
I was going to ask you if a certain something was on a certain isle but
I think I remember where it is, and besides I should have just asked
the cashier..sorry to bother you" and just left the drug store in a
flash. I couldnt go through with getting the ipecac. I felt like it
basically was hopeless and knew that there is NO WAY NOW I AM GOING TO
GET OVER THIS, but I also refuse to go through any kind of exposure
therapy unless I do the nasty deed. I went back to my parents' and was
about to grab the kids to take them home. I was very snappy with my
mother and she flat out asked me what my problem was once and for all.
I told her "I know you think of this phobia of mine as a big joke and
all and you really shouldnt since I know you are phobic of insects, you
should understand where I am coming from even though its not the same
phobia and I am just SICK of having it and I hate how you overlook all
the things that Andrea (my SIL) has done, and you expect me to also
feel sympathetic towards her for being sick, the day that happens is
the day hell freezes over, understand??" Then my mother started to cry
and what she said had blown me away. She said something like "I'm sorry
if I came off by making the phobia sound like its something to make fun
of. I know I was wrong by making you sound like a selfish person for
not caring about someone who has been sick and I am sorry for that. I
just didnt know how to handle it. As far as Andrea is concerned, you
have nothing to worry about. I honestly dont like her either" then I
flat out asked her why she keeps on treating her like a princess and
treated me like Cinderella when I went through hard times, one being
having the PPD after Stephanie was born. Then she said something like
"I wanted to make a good impression for her and still do for th

[mbs730]

Oh yeah and I DONT regret not going through with getting
the ipecac. The more I think about it, if I am going to make myself
vomit, I have to be sure I am doing it in the right kind of way, in the
way where it doesnt end up backfiring. I shouldnt consider making
myself sick until I speak to the therapist about it. However I KNOW
this is what I want to do. But I am completely adamant about how this
is how I want to cure this phobia.



Miriam

</font>

[faith-marilyn]

Wow miriam that was one long entry! haha very interesting tho, as soon as i read what your mother was saying i was so pleased that she is goin to try to understand, i know how tough uve been having it lately! and as for getting the number of a therapist, it just goes to show that there is hope for everyone here, i mean, u didnt expect to get a therapists number today did u, who knows just whats round the corner for all of us. I think this is great for you! good luck with it i hope it works out so well !
Faith-Marilyn
xxx

[2jo2]

Miriam, I'm so glad your mom told you that you have her support, that will help alot! I'm also glad you're going to see a therapist, hopefully this person will guide you to getting over this thing. I hope it works out!

[Jenneh]

thats excellent that ur mum has come clean with you and told u the truth.


if only she had done tht before.. and saved u a lot of heartache.. buit there we go, we cant have evrything.


in a way, im glad u didnt go thru with the Ipecac thing... i mean, do u prefer to v* alone or with someone around?? because if u prefer doing it with smoeone there to comfort you.. sending the kids away and being home alone doing it is probably one of the worst things u cud have done.


i agree, you defenitly need to talk to your therapist about it first.


good luck with the person your seeing who helped ur mum.. i hope she can help you too in the same way.


Jen xxxxxxxxxx

[mbs730]

Thanks 2jo2, faith and Jen. And yeah Jen, I think I will
need the therapist with me if I am going to v. I mean I dont want to
get too excited here because she may not be right for me. That is why I
am going to flat out ask her if she has dealt with emet before. If so
and if I like her approach on things, I will stick with her. My mother
finds her helpful and said she is good at helping those deal with their
phobias. However if I do like her, and want to use her then I will tell
her that I will need her with me when I v.



Miriam

</font>

[Jenneh]

only the best therapists wud be prepared to do that... (sit with u wen u v*) so if she does agree, i think you know you've got a good one there. but make sure u talk about it with her, think of ALL the risks involved e.t.c. i really am worried its gnna make you worse. maybe thats just me.


Jen xxxxxx

[rachel_81]

I had a great psychologist when I was about 15 and she
actually v* up a pint of water in front of me as exposure. I
couldn't bring myself to do it. But there are definately
therapists out there who will go all the way top help you. Mine
was brilliant and even did that for me.</font>

[mbs730]

Jen it might take time to find the right therapist that
can help me out that way. I dont think it will make me worse if its
done the correct way. However Rachel, how did you feel when you
saw that? I cant look at anyone else v'ing unless I do it myself first.
I must say you had guts to agree to watch your therapist do that. Even
if its only water that is just way too much for me to handle.



Miriam

</font>

[rachel_81]

I have more problem with me doing the deed than
others. It really scared me but i remember her being so calm
about the whole situation that it made me think i must have blown the
whole thing out of proportion. I would still have trouble dealing
with watching it today but i have made some progress. I would not be
able to do it first and i definately found it easier to watch someone
else. Miriam &gt; Do you fear yourself v* or is it only other
people? I am phobic of both although becoming slightly better with
others.</font>

[mbs730]

Rachel, here is the thing with me. I am ONLY phobic of
myself v'ing if I am FACED with the possibility of it happening. I dont
go around wondering IF I am going to v or wondering if whatever I eat
is going to make me v on a certain day if I am not feeling n that is.
In fact one thing that makes me different from many other emets is that
I LOVE to eat. I am not thin as a result, but not obese either but have
a few pounds to lose and I have lost many already. I am also willing to
go and eat new things and things that many other emets would never in a
million years eat like sushi! Yes I LOVE sushi. I am also not
agorophobic. However if I compare myself to when I am faced with the
possibility of doing it and if someone else were to do it, I am still
not as phobic of myself v'ing as I am of others. In fact I am so phobic
of others v'ing to the point where I have strongly adverse feelings
towards the individual who has v'ed which I know is quite unfair. The
more I think about this, this is why I hate my sister in law so much.
She v's ALL the time! One excuse after another with her. I mean she is
also a dreadful person for other unrelated reasons but the fact that
she v's a lot magnifies those horrible qualities in her. I dont think I
would feel so much like that about someone who shared the same
qualities but wasnt as prone to v'ing like she is. I mean I know I
wouldnt exactly like that kind of indivual either but not to the same
extent as how I feel about my SIL. It also could be that I knew I would
always be a bit hard on whomever my brother chose to marry, especially
since his standards were almost unrealistically high. So in other words
she holds EVERY characteristic in a person who I would just not be able
to stand and what makes it worse is that she is now FAMILY! But I think
again like I had mentioned many times before, I think there are issues
of jealousy of those who v and think nothing of it. That is one of the
reasons I have to be the one to v before I even CONSIDER going through
any kind of exposure therapy. My therapist, any therapist who is going
to be dealing with this with me will have to respect my wishes as far
as that goes. Perhaps this is why I might be more of a difficult kind
of patient to deal with than other emets might be, maybe, maybe not.
Who really knows. Everyone is unique, including every emet around here.
We may share the same phobia but it affects all of us in different
ways. But I know of others who is emetophobic in similar ways as to the
way I am.



Miriam

</font>

[rachel_81]

Good luck with the therapy. I know what you mean
about disliking people who seem to do it regularly. I tend to
distance myself from people like that.</font>

[mbs730]

Thanks. I am nervous about once and for all doing
something about this, but in order for me to be there for my kids when
they get sick without me being useless, I have to do this. I can see
myself already screaming at them after v'ing. I know I have done that
with my innocent dog many times and its not fair.



Miriam

</font>

[sage]

Miriam,


Your symptoms, and the way this disorder is manifested in you, sounds just like the way I was. I also (for 20 years, anyway) didn't go around worrying about myself - I was only afraid if I was just about to do it. But the thought of someone else vomiting send me running down the street in a dissociative state.


Go for whatever therapy works for you. TELL your therapist your wishes, and let him or her work with that. I was adamant about a few things too (not vomiting myself before treatment started, but something else that I held onto for a long time). Through the therapy itself I was able to let go of this, and begin systematic treatment that eventually cured me.


Good luck with it!

[mbs730]

Thanks Sage, I have another question for you. Someone
had brought out something else interesting. Now maybe this only applies
to emets that actually know the cause of their phobia. I dont know and
if others read this, the last thing I want to do is upset anyone but
this person compared my feelings to how someone who has been raped,
being reminded of being raped over and over again if they are faced
with something that reminds them of the incident. Maybe if I see
someone who has recently v'ed or know has v'ed at one time, is it
bringing out the same kind of thing? I know this is nuts but I still
cant get over my husband v'ing from 2 years ago. I had forgiven him for
the other crap which was worse than that (logically knowing that but
logic doesnt enter into emet) but I cant forgive him for v'ing! I still
have trouble with being intimate with him. But maybe if I find a way to
tell him, I might feel better. He is aware of my emet but I dont know
to what extent. However if I tell him this is how I feel about him and
cant exactly forgive him for v'ing but have forgiven him for everything
else, his feelings will be REALLY hurt and I will end up feeling REALLY
guilty. Thats honestly the only thing that is holding me back from
telling him. On the other hand, maybe I'll feel better but he might
also think its weird telling him this almost 2 and a half years after
the fact... what do you think about the other anology and this?



Miriam</font>

[sage]

I'm not sure about the rape thing. I have to say, never having been raped, I have no idea what it's like to live with that over and over.


But symptoms of any trauma not resolvedare the same...flashbacks, reliving the experience, panic, general anxiety, etc. Some people have emetophobia stemming from a specific trauma or linked to a traumatic time in their lives, others do not.


As for telling your husband, well...I'm a couples counsellor so I always recommend talking to your partner about whatever bothers you. However, if the emotional reactivity is as "hot" between the two of you as you describe (he'll get hurt - I'll feel guilty...etc.) then you may need some help with this from a counsellor. Again, without meeting you, I can only answer for myself. I have a very good relationship with my husband, and we can talk about anything now without entering into the other's feelings too much. So especially if I knew it had nothing to do with him I could say, "hey - I've got this problem. When you vomited the night the baby was born...I can't seem to let go of this. I feel resentful and angry, and it's stopping me from getting close to you. I don't know what to do about it...maybe just talking about it will help." My husband, being a pretty emotionally mature guy, would be simply "interested" in this information and would not "get terribly hurt", as you describe above. And if he did I would know that had nothing to do with me, and I'm not responsible for his emotional reaction, so I would feel "really guilty" (or guilty at all).


So it sounds simple, but isn't of course. Cuz I can remember when we were younger and a few zillion hours of couples work ago...and we would not have been able to talk together like that. Our feelings would have been inextricably linked to one another, as you describe yours are. We would not have been able to see ourselves as two separate people with separate feelings that have nothing to do with the other's. It took a lot of work in couples therapy, courses, seminars, retreat weekends, books we read, etc...to get to that point. Me training as a family therapist didn't hurt either.


But the principles are still the same, no matter how difficult it may be. Talk to your partner. YES, in your case, he may get upset, and YES, you may feel guilty. But it's the first step on the road to recovery - not only for you but for the two of you. Long road. Gotta start somewhere.


If I can be more help, just ask!

[mbs730]

Thats the problem! My 2 year old daughter is more mature
than he is most of the time!! Not kidding. He moped and sulked one time
for 2 days because our DOG showed someone else more attention than him
lol. Even if I word it in such a way where I am not blaming him for
what had happened, he will still be hurt and act like a total baby
about it, then I will feel bad. Then I'll blame myself for having the
phobia, and it will become counter-productive. However he has to know
in some way and I think you are right about me having to talk to a
counsellor before I actually tell him. Maybe there is a way it can be
done where he wont throw a tantrum about it.



Miriam

</font>