sorta thinking... maybe it makes sense

[mbs730]

Okay I have been sorting out my thinking about my emet.
Now I dont want to come off as being cold but I am speaking from the
heart here. As I have stated a zillion times I am more phobic of
others v'ing than I am of myself v'ing unless I am faced with the
possibility of doing it. However here is the thing. Now I have
stated how much I despise my sister in law right? She holds every
characteristic of someone who I cannot stand. Firstly my brother is
very shallow, would have only dated a perfect 10 on the outside, you
know size 2 figure, beautiful face... no outter flaw. Even one pound
overweight would have been a no no for him. So he got his perfect 10
wife, on the outside. However she is a horrible person. She infected
him with a STD, the STD that caused her to almost lose her uterus due
to a fibroid... I felt bad for them since I had heard about the
possibility before the surgery that I had put my adverse feelings
towards her away and had even OFFERED to carry their kids for them but
my brilliant SIL took that as me showing off that I can carry kids and
she may not be able to. She also gladly spent my parents' money
and got everything she wanted! I mean EVERYTHING! They also for some
odd reason cut her all kinds of slack, slack that they would never
dream of cutting me. Doesnt make sense and its so unfair since she
caused them so much heartache. Okay, I'm sorry my emotions are
getting out of hand here and this is irrelavent to this topic. Now, yes
she is a terrible person, I know this is a strong, strong thing to say
but I actually do HATE her. However maybe my feelings towards her
wouldnt be so extreme if she didnt v so much. She v's all the time, she
gets migraines often. She is 16 weeks pregnant and complains about
horrible morning sickness, yadda yadda yadda. I am also dreading the
lunch that my family is having next Sunday and she is going to be
there. She of course also plays it up and is a true attention seeker.
However I also felt the same way about my husband v'ing the night my
daughter was born. Now he did some inexcusable things afterwards, which
he has made up for now. I did get PPD after she was born but I think
the fact that he v'ed may have triggered it, maybe. I told you I
couldnt be intimate with him for a long time, because of him v'ing that
one time. It made me n whenever I was, and I did try but it was mightly
difficult. To be honest, I feel the same way about someone who
has v'ed no matter why. Well not completely, if someone was on chemo or
something I wouldnt necessarily feel that way probably because of the
circumstance but in most instances if it was due to anything else, I
would feel that way towards someone who has v'ed. Maybe I feel the
resentment of someone who has v'ed because I am jealous that someone
can v without making a big deal out of it. They can allow themselves to
v without freaking out. I dont know. Do you have same feelings of
resentment and or jealousy of someone who has v'ed too? I dont want to
come off as sounding like a horrible person but I cant help how I feel.
Maybe in a way this is why I feel I have to v before I go through any
kind of exposure therapy..... UGGH I dont know. Does anyone feel the
same way?



Miriam

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[faith-marilyn]

Hi Miriam
I think imthe complete opposite to you! I kind of look up to people who can V* without being scared or affected by it! But i do greatly understand why u would feel jealous, don't feel like a terrible person for it at all! *hugs* everybody is different and we all react differently to v*, this is just your way of dealing and responding to it )
Much love,
faith-marilyn
xxxx

[mbs730]

Thanks but I get the feeling a lot of people who have
read this post have been quite taken aback by this. Well if anyone has
a problem with me now because of speaking the truth, I'm sorry. I am
not taking anything that I have said back. However maybe I got a little
out of hand about talking about my SIL since my feelings towards her
are so adverse, rightfully so in my opinion, perhaps that wasnt
necessary to get into OT things about her. However this is how I feel
about those who v and think nothing of it. Especially if they do it
often. I wish I was like that. V'ing and not giving a crap that is. But
maybe someone who is phobic of heights might feel the same way about
someone who can easily stand on the balcony on the 40th floor of a
building or something. Who knows. Maybe not, or am I the only one who
feels this way...



Miriam

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[sage]

Hey hi! I'm not taken aback by your post. It sounds kind of normal to me. The thing is, the system in our brains for "hate" and for "fear/panic" are very very similar. Although not everyone "hates" people who vomit, it would be easy for a neuroscientist to see what you're talking about. It's where we get the term "homophobia" for people who hate homosexuals - cuz hate and fear are so related.


Now lemme really play armchair shrink - could it be that you set very very high standards (a sort of perfectionism) for not only others, but also yourself? Folks like this cannot even "excuse" bodily functions in others, such as vomiting or your nose running or peeing where people canhear you andwhatnot. For them, the fear of others vomiting is really a subconscious fear that the sight/sound/smell of it will make THEM vomit, and thus humiliate themselves. But the hatred~fear is so strong that it covers this up, and the fear response only comes out with others. I throw this in cuz I was one of those people (even with the hate response, at times...although I always felt guilty about that and tried to get over it)


Just some thoughts...

[Jenneh]

heya Miriam. i wasnt taken aback either.. just havent been around to check the posts for a while!


i have to say that i *vaguely* feel the same as you. but its kinda.. hidden by the feelings of being scared around people who have just v*ed or smthing. i do get jealoius and angry generally tho about people who dont have this phobia.


Jenxxxx

[mbs730]

Sage... I read your post this morning and you really
have given me something to think about... I must say you are DEAD ON
RIGHT about the perfectionist behavior that I have. I cant accept
anything that isnt perfect and its just not realistic because there is
no such thing as perfection. Nothing is perfect. I logically know this,
just like I logically know that vomiting is a bodily function, meaning
its a normal part of life. However we dont act rationally as far as
this stuff is concerned. I have always had low self esteem. I base
things on really superficial things like body image and stuff. Now I am
going to come off as being incredibly shallow, just a warning but
again.... I'm being honest (maybe I shouldnt be TOO honest since
honesty can get you no where but into trouble at times) I have always
battled my weight. I am not like obese or anything but I have a lot of
weight to lose which I am working on. However I feel that the more
weight I lose, the more of a person I am. I dont think this way of
others though. I couldnt care less if someone else is overweight or
not. Well thats not true, if someone else happens to be slim,
especially if they dont work at being slim and are naturally slim it
bugs the hell outta me. I mean if someone is anorexic or is afraid to
eat due to emet or something, I dont feel that way other than sympathy.
That is one example. Also if you asked me to write up a list of things
I could say positive about myself, it could take me an hour to come up
with one thing but the list of negative things would take up 100 pages
in no time. Now this is where I could come off sounding shallow.
I know my husband overall is a good guy and he really has improved
things. However I still have thoughts about what if I had married
someone better looking, someone who made more money, you know... things
like that. Then I start thinking, well someone like that would never
choose someone like me so this is what I am stuck with? I am happier
with him now than I was after my daughter was born. I suffered from
horrible post partum depression and again a triggering factor MIGHT
have been due to my husband vomiting the night that my daughter was
born! He didnt go through the labour, the hard work, the blood loss,
you name it and HE was the one who had vomited?? This is where my
jealous feelings may also come in too. And yes I am sorry to admit
this, I have always been a jealous type of person. I admit some of my
hatred towards my sister in law is due to the fact that I am jealous of
her too, but believe me, I have some huge valid reasons that others
agree upon for why I feel the way I do about her. I will get into that
later. I resented him for being sick the night that my daughter was
born, and he also didnt bother showing up the day after the birth to
the hospital. He lied to me about where he was... that is another story
too. But I think I was jealous because I felt hat *I* should have
been the one to get sick the day/night my daughter was born, since my
body basically went through a trauma. But he did instead??? So the fact
too that he also treated me like crap after her birth made things even
worse. The thought of being intimate with him again revolted me. I
could never kiss him, I always smelled vomit on him even though it
happened one time and he probably brushed his teeth right after. I
HATED him for throwing up!! And even though after the birth of my son
this year he bent himself over backwards to make things right, our son
almost died and luckily he is okay now but he was with him all the
time, after spending long and exhausting days at the hospital with him
he would immediately come home and take care of me. The funny thing is,
I have forgiven him for all of the other lousy things he has done and I
can be intimate with him now but.... I still feel resentment for him
vomiting the night my daughter was born. The feeling is still
sticking at the back of my head. I cant forget about it. He could turn
into the knight and shining

[mbs730]

Okay it was getting long so I am starting a new post
here. Anyway about my SIL, I already have stated this. She holds EVERY
characteristic in a person that I cannot stand. To make it worse, my
brother's standards are way too high and he got a perfect 10 on the
outside. That right there put me off before I even met her. However
what also made it worse is when I had the PPD, NO ONE, I mean NO ONE
was supportive towards me. My family even somewhat blamed me for the
things I did because of it and blamed me for having it, they have
always been hard on me. I got no support from my husband and his family
was more of a nuisance than anything. SO yeah I was going through a
pretty bad time to put it mildly right? However my SIL slept around
when she was a teenager, and contracted a STD, developed a fibrioid
because of it and had it removed in January. My family was there for
her EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!!! Oh and she was vomiting from it too
like she ALWAYS does and they took care of her!! Despite the fact that
she put them through hell while the wedding was being planned, she
exploited them to get what she wanted and she ALWAYS gets things she
wants, she is a horrible, horrible, horrible person, a poor excuse for
a human being. They also cut her all kinds of slack, where they would
never cut me slack. However my awful feelings towards her are magnified
BECAUSE she is prone to vomiting and now that she is pregnant, she is
doing that. Oh yeah she is a drama queen too and makes things worse
than they really have to be. Okay I better stop talking about her
because I seriously feel my blood pressure rising and I am fuming and
my heart is literally beating over 100 beats per minute right now.
However the bottom line is, I am jealous of those who are able to vomit
because they dont make a big deal out of it. I also have a friend who
is prone to it and I always find things to pick on her about as well.
These people act as if they think its nothing and that is not how I
want to feel. I DO want to end this phobia, I know you did with the
hard work and it took years but in order for me to even CONSIDER going
through exposure therapy, I have to do the dirty deed myself first!!!!
If I do it myself first, I dont expect my emet to disappear overnight,
if it did then I would have no longer been emetophobic at 13 which is
when it happened while being sober that is. However I might be able to
accept it a little better. I know its crazy, I WANT to vomit but the
thought of doing it scares me. I am just a confused soul I guess. You
comparing someone who is afraid of homosexuals coming out as hating
them and the same thing I feel is true. I thought about that too but I
dont think too much of it if I am in a public washroom taking a pee and
someone hears me. I think nothing of the other 2 bodily functions. I
dont think less of someone who also pees. However I still wouldnt want
anyone being around while I do #2 but #1 I dont care. I dont know. I
just wanted to explain myself a little more to you, if you have any
insight I am interested in hearing about it.



Miriam

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[mbs730]

I get the feeling I have no right to even feel this way.
Maybe I should have kept quiet. Did I put my foot in my mouth or
something?</font>

[sage]

Wow Miriam - that's a lotta stuff in those posts. I couldn't begin to touch most of it over the internet, of course. I sure hope you can find a therapist that you relate to and trust to talk about these things.


The anger and resentment about your husband vomiting is probably not about vomiting at all, but has triggered something else more rudimentary - the centre or core of what is really troubling you (in life) deep down. (I have no idea what that is, and couldn't guess without working with you in person)...but at least you articulate it really well and this would really help a therapist whom you might work with some day.


Meanwhile, just telling yourself over and over that this is illogical will be a good start. I don't know the details of why your husband was sick that night - but whatever it was, it certainly had nothing to do with you or your baby. Amazing.


Good luck with all this! I hope you can find some help with it soon!


Oh and btw...you have every right to every feeling you have. Every right! Put that right out of your head!