hello all, please bear with me as this is rather long, but i needed to get it out.

I haven't posted in a really long time, mostly b/c for a couple years my panic and emet have not been bothering me. I've still been afraid to v*, but I didn't have the anxiety unless it was going around really bad at school or something.
Three weeks or so ago, my twin (redapple) got a stomach virus and V'd. It was the first time in eleven years she had done it. It has been years longer for me. When she got sick,I couldn't care for her, b/c as an emet myself I panicked. I wanted to die b/c I couldn't care for her when she needed me most. I went in a downward spiral, and couldn't stop the anxiety tremors and trembling for 3 days straight. Even after the trembling stopped, I felt anxious constantly, it was really hard for me to go to classes and things. My relationship with my boyfriend was strained b/c he just doesn't understand, and when I just want to stay in and sleep in my own bed instead of staying with him, he gets angry. I can't explain the panic and feeling of dread to him, he just doesn't get it.
Last week was a really good week for me I was able to go to sleep easier at night and things started looking up. I went to the doctor on Friday, she put me back on Prozac and suggested counseling.
Then last night I got nervous again and today has been
bad too. My stomach hurts and my face is flushed. The thing is, I have dealt with this anxiety my entire life. But, after two years of doing really well, I feel like I can't withstand another bad bout, so a lot more depression comes on with this anxiety. I really would just rather die then live like this. What kind of future could I have with this constant fear of v'ing, that brings the agoraphobia and social anxiety?
Is there anyone else out there just at times feels like they don't want to go on?

I try to keep the faith. I've been praying a lot more, and I'm trying really hard. But everytime I have an good day it seems like the next day is that much worse. Like last week I had a really good week, and now I'm back low again. It just seems like when i'm on an up something triggers a low and I just get kicked down again. It's so frustrating and discouraging.

my sister v'd, and she's okay. I feel like she gets to move on with her life now. she did it, and she turned out okay. but i'm the lowest i've been. i feel like she's quite the lucky one and i'm in for a tough road ahead.

sorry this is so long, any encouraging words and prayers would be VERY appreciated. I hope you all are well. much love and prayers for all of you.
-megan