I just had to get this out because I am having a bad night. It seems like a lot of my worst experiences happen either at work (I'm a concierge) or late at night not long before I try to get to sleep. In the latter cases, like now, I get so frustrated with myself because my stomach barely hurts and I know the only other two times I've gotten s* I felt a LOT worse than this. Yet I still panic and freak out. I think I have forgotten what it feels like since it's been over 15 years and now every little twinge gets me all worked up. I just pace around the kitchen and my living room and just get panic attack after panic attack.


I'm curious, though - a couple times in my past, I'm pretty certain I would have been s* had I just been able to let go. I can think of three times where I was so certain that I felt bad enough that I know a part of me just wanted to do it and get it over with. But I never do. I just hyperventilate, shake, pace and throw things (usually a pillow or a shoe, nothing dangerous ) until I calm down. Has anyone else ever been able to pinpoint times when they think they should have (or, at least, their body thought they should have) but didn't, for one reason or another?


... Or is this just me?