Hello to everyone who has been following my posts.


Well tonight he was fine. He had his dinner and 10 mins later he was rushing to the loo with D* and was crying saying that he felt S*.


Tomorrow is Friday and I am here on my own with him tomorrow and Saturday.


I called the doctor today. The first appointment is 3 weeks. If I am still here tomorrow I will get him an emergency appointment. I will keep him off nursery and go and see them. I know they are going to tell me that it is a viral infection. I can't cope with this anymore. My very worst nightmare is existing in my life.


I really want to go tonight. Do I take my 14 week old daughter with me?


I spoke to the psychologist this afternoon. She will see me for anINITIAL APPOINTMENT ONLY to discuss my therapy needs in the middle of FEBRUARY. I can't believe I have to wait that long. I can't afford to go private. If my son continues v* this often I won't be here in February. I am so desperate and I can't get help. I am going to loose my children because of this phobia and I can't get help now.


As I am sitting here, my son is in bed. If I hear a noise, ie, the man next door or Ashley putting his lager down on the table I think it is my son getting up. We have wooden floors so I usually hear him. Every slight noise I get a hot flush and my heart speeds up and I shake. I cant take this. My son went into our bed at 11.30 pm last night and I was still down here. So, instead of going to bed in my bed I went in his. If I stay tonight I will sleep downstairs as he felt s* when he went to bed. If he is okay when he goes to bed I am usually okay in his bed. How bad is it that I cant even sleep in the same bed as my son?


I feel so useless. My children need a mother who can be with them when they are ill. Not one who gets in her car and drives away. I cant explain how hard it is to come back . I just want to keep driving.


If I don't post tomorrow you all know that I left. I really have had enough now. I want to go.


Karen [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]


xxx