The speed with which I can freak out lately is surpassed only by the speed at which I can recover... 10 minutes ago I was certain I was about to throw up, now Im hungry. I keep getting random stomach cramps too (no Im not pregnant or on),have been doin for a couple of days, does anyone get this from time to time? whats going on?


A week ago I drove about a 250 miles.. friend of mine got kicked out n I went to rescue him without so much as a second thought. n then yesterday I needed to take anti emetics to go to the corner shop. One day I cant leave the house n another Im totally normal... After two seperate lots of pills that did nothing I cant quite bring myself to start on round 3, so Im takingantiemetics as anti panic drugs, for those times when I really need to go out n do stuff. I came up against a really horrid doctor the last time I called up the surgery, why is it that their priority seems to be to get me to visit the surgery, so that they dont haveto make the 5 minute round trip to my house, rather than to make me better? But it wont work anyway because Im not physically ill.. how can a drug cure a head problem?? For a brief moment.. a week or two I believed citalopram was working, now Im absolutely certain it did nothing atall, cuz ya see on nothing, I have days as good as I did on it, n days as bad as I had on it too, its not the drug that helped, I just felt better briefly naturally... for like 2 weeks of the 8 or so I was taking it for.



I wanted to believe it was working but it was just a lie.. if Im really honest, nothing Ive taken has had any effect on my mind whatsoever. The aforementioned friend suggests weed would mellow me out.. but I know better because its not panic attacks that are my problem.. its fear of throwing up in front of people. THAT. I can narrow my entire psychosis down to one single possibility that I fear, n thats the one. Its the reason for everything. and.. the reason Im afraid of it is nothing really to do with the act of vomitting atall. I mean, I hate it. I obsess over it, but Im not truely afraid of it. But I fear loosing control, which could ultimately lead to one of two things- the first being the fairly irrational possibility that I could collapse n die. n the second.. more realistic option being that I could totally embarrass myself in front of a load of strangers.. or people I know, whatever. I know people say that ya shouldnt care what people think, but we all do. We're all ultimately terrified of being the butt of the joke, being made to feel small... n lately Ive realised that apparant confidence is directly proportional to insecurity. I never believed that till I saw it in myself, but for years I was the loner kid, n I was fairly secure in myself. Now people like me (the freaks) n even more terrifying people respect and (oh lord) look up to me. And I am just terrified Im going to screw it up.


*hands out cookies to the people that read this far*


Seriously though, this is the "why" for me. I have this irrational fear because Im afraid that if I show myself to be vulnerable or human in front of people.. even if it were only a small group of people I knew fairly well, then Id ruin my whole charade.. n I spent years building it up... n once people see through the bulls*** they will realise that theres nothing behind it. Im not pretty, or smart, or deep, or artistic, Im basically a waste of state money... then again I dont wanna kill myself cuz Im too selfish. Its almost impossible to explain... n wont make any sense unless youve felt it.. I know cuz an ex of mine tried to explain it to me whilst I was still in denial.. but. I dont actually like myself very much. Im arrogant as hell n I like to think Im better than everyone else, but underneath it all Im just pretending cuz I wanna be someone else, cuz theres nothing to me ya know? Theres just a sort of blank boredom under the act.


I know 99% of people will just say, awww but youre a nice person etc etc... but maybe someone will get it.. I dunno.. perhaps? Im not loo