Hi all (lonnnnnnng post, so sorry!!),

I'm new here and I've spent a lot of time in the past two weeks going through the posts and reading about other people's experiences - their triggers, their successes, their bad days, their superstitions, everything. And I'm just so glad this forum exists, because I've finally found a place where I can talk about my emet!

I'm nearly 24 and I've been emet for as long as I can remember. I'm much less afraid of v* myself than of being near other people who v*, although I am petrified at the thought of v* in public. I read the "Get the Facts" sticky and apparently this form of emetophobia is much less common than the personal fear of v*, but based on what I've read in the forums, it looks like a lot of people here have the same fears in addition to being afraid of personally v*, so I hope to find a supportive community here.

I have never handled v* very well, although when I was quite small I apparently had sv* all the time, in addition to severe motion sickness (I have only hazy memories of this time in my life but I do remember having sv* quite a lot). I guess I first became actively avoidant in kindergarten, as I remember being disgusted by other children being sick. I had the essential "personal growth" experience of v* in front of my entire third-grade class (and then on myself and then on my father and his car), and while I've never been sick in public since, I have been sick at school, although fortunately never at work.

Being sick while away from home is perhaps the single largest part of my emet. I am terrified at the thought. I couldn't cope with someone (anyone) seeing/hearing/knowing about me v*. In the "Get the Facts" sticky, the author says "my flawed thinking was that it would show I was a vile, putrid, worthless human being that anyone would abandon and no one could possibly love." That is EXACTLY how I feel about it. And it's pretty much how I feel about other people v*; rage and horror and disgust. If it's someone I know and care about, I shove that down and try to muster all my sympathy (even though this is usually an outlet for my anxious questions of "do you feel okay now? Do you think you've got a virus? Do you think you might v* again? Can I get you something to stop you v* again?" I'm trying to be kind but I'm sure I come across as a nervous nit.). But if it's a stranger, the rage and horror get full rein and I usually vent it to my girlfriend with words like "What the hell is wrong with them? Why did they have to do that? Get that child off the bus! God, I hate kids! I hate students! I hate drunks!" etc, etc. When I calm down again, I feel bad for my generalizations, but at the time, it's a kneejerk reaction. And it's how I expect anyone would react to me if I were so stupid/callous/horrible as to be sick in front of them.

Whenever someone at work complains of feeling unwell, I have two immediate thoughts: do NOT v* where I have to know about it, and don't give it to me!! Escape plans begin forming in my mind before I'm even conscious of it. I feel this surge of resentment towards the unwell person. I hate them for telling me (or being in earshot telling someone else). it's like someone saying "The building's on fire, btw" and then expecting me to be calm. And I have to maintain a professional demeanour while fighting against my urge to shout "GO HOME, THEN! BEFORE YOU CONTAMINATE THE BUILDING!"

I'm not sure where my emet originated, although having a lot of sv* as a child surely didn't help. But my mother has lupus and a VERY weak stomach and has literally v* about once a day my entire life. Sometimes she feels sick all day and v* a lot. Sometimes she's fine and then suddenly Unbearably Ill for a week. Sometimes we'd be out and about and she'd abruptly have to RUN for a bathroom. And she'd always v* incredibly loudly. She even v* in the car a couple of times (thankfully I was not there but of course she told me about it). She has no compunction about telling people when she feels sick, or has been sick, or is about to be sick. And yet despite feeling sick she'd go out to eat. She'd insist on going to work even though she could work from home. I have no idea why she felt she had to go ANYWHERE when so sick, but she always did. And then would come home midday and v* some more. The thing is, I'm sure she's an emetophobe as well, because she was never very sympathetic when I had an sv* (probably afraid she'd catch it!). And through various behaviors she managed to make me feel that being sick was a nuisance to everyone and utterly repulsive. Constant exposure to her v* did not make me immune to the thought; somehow it only reinforced the idea that it was bad and wrong and terrible to v* and to make others deal with it.

I used to have full-blown panic attacks as a teenager, complete with d*, crying, shaking like a leaf, hot-and-cold chills, the works. My dad basically said "Stop faking this crap" and my mother never understood either. Eventually I got over that, with the help of my girlfriend (who was, ironically, bulimic!! I've no idea how I survived that one...). And my emet doesn't rule my life, although it nearly did for a few years there. I have "safety kits" like other people here, and I'm a serial handwasher, and I could never have kids in my current state because I'd blame them for being ill.

My emet is so centered on this idea that v* is unacceptable and makes me a bad person, and I'm wondering if anyone else here experiences it that way.

And this is the LONGEST POST EVER, so I'll shut up now. :

~Athena