Should have been a triumph but no

[x hannah x]

Ok just to warn this won't be very graphic or anything but it could get a bit triggering at some points. You have been warned...


Well I v*ed last night. And the worst thing is I pretty much caused it. It was about 2am and I couldn't sleep so I went downstairs to watch tv, got a bit hungry so I had some cereal. That was a stupid, stupid thing for me to do. I know that my stomach doesn't react well when I eat at night, I also hadn't eaten much during the day and to top it all off I used milk that had been in the fridge for a while.


You don't want to know details but I did the usual emet thing of hyperventilating and sticking my head in the freezer. I even ran the taps so nobody heard anything.


I was so sure that not v*ing was the thing holding me back, that if I could come to terms with it more I could get better at coping with it happening to other people. But I'm even more paranoid than before.


I just feel so stupid, this didn't have to happen, I wasn't ill or anything. And I haven't eaten all day either which I also know is stupid. What is wrong with me?

[Hale]

Awwwwwwwww Don't feel stupid hun. It sounds lik you coped really well. You did the thing that we emets most dread and you survived! And it doesn't even sound like it was your fault to me - you opted for something healthy rather than junk and it's not like you binged or got drunk. Please don't be hard on yourself.

[x hannah x]

I know it wasn't totally my fault, I just feel bad that it didn't have to happen and it did.

[x hannah x]

Also, I was wondering if anyone knew of any safe foods I could eat?

[thestruggle]

The important thing is that you got through it. V* probably wasn't on your mind when you tried to lay down. For as much as we fight it and fear it, it still surprises us when it happens. Last year I v* for the first time in over 4 years. The truth is I felt n* or sick probablyclose to 275 days last year. Of course, I v* on the day I wasn't expecting it. And naturally we want to know why it happened. Right before I v* I was telling myself that there was no way this was happening. After all nobody else in the house was sick or v*. How could I be the only one? It stills racks my brain trying to figure out what caused it. It will never ever make sense to us and we will never completely figure out why we have to v*. The biggest thing to consider is that you're still here and with a little more experience under your belt. It mighthave been the cereal, it might have been the milk. But in the end it was just your time. There's no time to look back now.Keep your eyes forward and focus on the good thingsahead.

[lizzo]

Oh wow, congratulations! Sometimes there isn't answers to all of our questions ..



What was it like?

[purpleteacher]

Actually, I see your experience as a triumph! You ate late at night, which you usually don't do --- so your fear of eating at night didn't overwhelm you. You ate whatever you could find, instead of checking dates and being all spastic about stuff like that. You even consumed DAIRY at night! WOW! To me, I see your experience as a triumph because you didn't avoid everything like you could have.

[japa]

hannah,


You are not allowing it to be a triumph because you are criticizing yourself like crazy, calling yourself stupid and so on.


The control issues that surround the phobia have overtaken your triumph. You are writing about how "it didn't have to happen" and that the reason it happened is because you are so stupid and you didn't do x, y, or z that you usually do.


You're looking at the incident completely through the eyes of the phobia, thinking that there are certain sicknesses that have to happen and those that don't, and that you have control over that.


You would have vomited that night nomatter what you did. It was not something you could control. It's not about thinking, "I shouldn't have eaten the cereal, the milk" or "I shouldn't have touched the door knob and not washed my hands." Or any of the million other things we tell ourselves to make us feel like we are in control of whether we get sick or not.


So let go of the thoughts about "if only I had done FILL IN THE BLANK, it wouldn't have happened."And consider it a triumph that you handled it well enough.

[x hannah x]

Wow you guys are so sweet. You're making me feel alot better about the other night.


Lizzo, it was scary obviously, but definitely more so beforehand. I wasn't sure it would happen until about 2 minutes before it actually did, which were probably the scariest moments an emet can have in her life, but during the actual thing I was mainly thinking Oh my God I can't believe this is actually happening, and afterwards it was more along the lines of will it happen again? I brushed my teeth about a thousand times, the taste is probably one of the worst parts.

[Galadriel]

Hey Hannah,

I agree don't get so down on yourself. I mean even if the dairy
that late at night did help it happen, so what? Its not like you were
getting drunk or anything and had it happen that way. The important
thing is that you got through it, and that you lived and while it sucks
its okay.

We all get through this emet at different rates, and we are all at
different stages. Its okay if this time it freaked you out some.



What has helped me is thinking "you know, v* is pretty much the same
act for everyone" its not like its something magically different for us
that it isn't for those who it doesn't bother. V* is V*, and the only</span> difference is how our minds as phobics percieve it. My husband has a saying "its all about perceptions". I think he is right.



So then this time it was rougher for you, probably because you weren't
quite expecting it which can be a shock to anyone. Don't beat yourself
up for it. Just say "I made it through the actual act of v*ing!" That
right there in itself is a big accomplishment.

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[hayleyw]

if you ever get really hungry in the middle of the night again, maybe try eating really bland foods like crackers or toast with nothing on it. this shouldnt affect your stomach too much.


feel better, though!!!!


-hayley XOXO