OT Mother in Law

[curly wurly]

Sorry, but I need to have a moan about my mother in law. She goes out of her way to upset me and has such a clever way of twisting everything I say that I end up feeling like such a bad person.


She is on holiday at the moment (hurray!) but she just rang to say she was having a rubbish time and people are traeting her badly there just like people treat at her home. This was aimed to hurt me and as usual it did.


Last year she tried to make out that my husband(her own son) was having an affair just because he had been to visit a female friend without me. Its a good job my relationship with my husband was strong as she did not let it go for 6 months. She went as far as spying on my husband then ringing me to tell me he was visiting this friend. I already knew.


She can be really nice when she is getting her own way and I begin to think I must have imagined everything, then she blows over nothing and turns me into a quivering wreck.


She is nasty about my parents. I do not mind if she just kept her opinions to herself, but it really hurts me when she says things about my mum. My mum is my best friend and I think she is jealous that she doe not have this relationship with her own daughter, in fact she treats her own daughter like she treats me as we are easy targets.


I can not relax when i see her. She has destroyed any little self confidence which I did have, but I am not strong enough to just cut her off. She is good at crying and making me feel so guilty when she is not getting her own way. I do not think it is fair to keep her grandchildren from seeing her,Also I have talked with my husband and whilst he knowshow bitter and twisted she is, I cannot expect him to completely cuthis mum from his life,but I feel so trapped by her and really scared of her as she is such a strong domineering person who is used to getting her own way. I even feel sorry for her as she obviously has some kind of paranoia as she thinks we are all nasty to her.


When my husband is home from worklife is easier as she knows she does not upset my husband so she is a bit nicer. When my husband does go back to sea she will swoop in on me and try to control everything I do, then when I do something she does not want me to there will be the usual harsh words and I will be left feeling terrible again. I do not know how much more of this I can take. Has anybody got any suggestions how I can stand up to her? I would love to get on better with her, but I do not think I have ever said abad word to her( I've thought them, but not brave enough to say them!)

[californiagirl]

Well, it sound like your MOL needs some activities to jeep her busy. Maybe a former hubby has treated her badly?? If she isn't close to her own daughter, maybe that's why she has such an attitude toward your mother. This may sound insensitive, but it is not your job or responsibility to make her feel "valid". She needs to deal with her prob's and learn how to treat people who have done nothing wrong to her. I'm sure if she'd just let herself, and had lunch with you or spent a day out shopping or something with you, she may see that she can let her guard down and enjoy herself and see that you are a good person. If she absolutely will not comply and continues to be rude, then I would avoid her altogether, which I know is hard. Your kids do have a right to spend time with her unless THEY decide not to, and of course hubby does too, but should help you out by putting her in her place if she's rude to you. I've had to deal with this before, so I am a little harsh about it, but I wasted too much time trying to be accepted, and sometimes if a MOL has issues, you just waste your time, which is frustrating. I can't accept rudeness toward me, especially if I don't deserve it. I hope this helps somewhat, and good luck.[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[laneyb]

I can sympathise with you completely! I have been with my hubby for 11 years, married for 4 years. His mother has done nothing but treat me like rubbish since we met.I am 37 he is nearly 32, however she has always thought that I stole her son. She has made my life a misery with various episodes including Christmas a few years ago where shesaidI "would be responsible for her having a heart attack and dying", mothers day where I was bad because I wanted to see my Mum, and get this, my sister had a baby and i was spending time with her, and just because I wouldnt go out with them she said "couldnt my sister look after a newborn baby by herself (her hubby was away on atraining course). It all came to a head 4 years or so ago when we told her we were getting married, she physically attacked me in Sainsburys (large food store) and security had to be called!!!!


Since then we have had minor contact because my hubby I think came to realise that his mother has mental issues (his dad is cool and a really nice guy!) and he has not really had much todo with either of them. This makes me sad as both me and my hubby have a good relationship with my parents but Ive just come to the realisation that I will never be good enough for her son in her eyes (good job, own house etc) no matter what. This is actually a very shortened history of our time together but I wont bore you (it would last for many pages.......)


Sorry to waffle but I just think sometimes it doesnt matter what you do but you cant change things.

[curly wurly]

Thanks for your advice Charlene


I know I should not put up with her rudeness but I am so shy and lacking confidence that when I try and walk away or question her she turns on the tears and makes some very hurtful remarks. I can ignore them for so long but sometimes they really get me down. After having my son I had a bad time where I did not want to leave the house unless I really had to. She was so nasty to me because I did not visit her for a couple of weeks and did not even try to think how I was feeling. i tried to explain it to her, but since then she has been even worse to me and just keeps saying how upset I make her.


I do go on days out with her but only because I feel I have to not because I want to. She sometimes starts o.k. but then she will find something to go on about and will not let it drop. She usually ends up sulking for most of the outing.


I used to ask her round for lunch but after she stormed out a total of 7 times I will only ask her when my husband is home and usually then she still finds an excuse to storm out. My 6 year old daughter is starting to pick up on it now. I do not think my daughter needs to see her mum being treated like this. It does not set a good example at all.


Anyway, I am running on a bit now, it is just I am having a low time at the moment watching my mum have to go through chemotherapy and lose her hair as well as being very sick afterwards. I am trying hard to cope with the emet which seems worse than ever at the moment and all mother in law can do is destroy my confidence and make me feel like a bad person.

[curly wurly]

Thanks laneyb


Your mother in law sounds a lot like mine.I have the same problems on mothers day. My mother in law has even told me shewas going to kill herself. I lost 2 nights sleep over this but then my husband told me that those who threaten suicide are the ones who never do it and I guess he is right as that was 5 years ago and she is still here. She tried to make out she was ill and going to die but that was all in her head again.


Anyway, thanks for your support and good luck with your mother in law.

[SimplyMe]

I'm sorry you are being put thru this. I don't have a MIL so I don't really know what to tell you. It sounds like you've done everything you can to be civil to this woman and she is just not bending at all. Does she live w/ you? (I'm hoping not) The only thing I can say is basically what has been said, you don't have to put upw/ it. I know it's hard, I'm pretty passive in postitons like that too but at the same time no matter whose mom she is she doesn't have a right to treat you that way. I undertand not wanting to be confrontaitonal w/ her, you couldn't win anyhow if she's that manipulative. But you can avoid her. If your hubby wants to see her fine, he can take the kids w/ him too so they still get a grandma but you do not have to be her punching bag. If she won't listen to reason or keep her hurtful comments to herself than to hell w/ her. Sorry, I knwo that's mean. I dont' think you should keep your hubby from her but it's his mom let him deal w/ her lol. laneyb- OMG! I can't imagine! I know it's sad but you adn your hubby made the right choice. That's not anywhere NEAR healthy!

[curly wurly]

Thank you simplyMe


I know I should not put up with it and I do see her less now than I did before I had my son 2 and a half years ago. When I do not visit she makes me feel so guilty and since my husband has to work away for 4 months at a time I do feel I have to make an effort and take the children to visit her. No, I do not live with her, though she would like me to so she had complete power. Her husband seserves a medal, but he should stand up to her sometimes instead of always agreeing with her.


I know I eventually have to be strong and either stand up to her or make the break, I just find things like that really difficult as usually I have no problem at all getting along with people.

[californiagirl]

You know, CURLY WURLY, you sound like a very sweet person. You are a wife, mother, and daughter to someone who really needs you right now, and who appreciates you for who you are. It does seem like you tried and gave alot of effort to getting along with your MIL, but she is just irrational. Hinestly, I would not even try ANYTHING anymore. You can't please her, she sounds like a very difficult person. You have people who want you and more importantly, need you. Concentrate on them and you'll realize how much you mean to them. I lost my Mom in January 2004 (she was only 54), and am STILL mourning the loss. My advice would be to spend as much time as you can with Mom, you are VERY lucky to have her in your life still. I know it's hard with emet and chemo, but just remember that your Mom would do it for you, and most importantly, she is not contagious with her V*. YOUR Mom is precious, and you MIL is selfish and spoiled. Give your Mom my best, and hope she recovers [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[curly wurly]

Thanks Charlene It was very sweet and kind of you.


I really am sorry about your mum. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. I cried as I read your reply.At least I know my mum has every chance of getting better. I really feel for you and wish I could say something to make you feel better.My best friend lost her mum in december and I feel so sad for her. All I could do was to be there for her if she needed me.It is only in the last week that she has been able to open up and talk to me about her mums last few hours. It broke my heart. Her mum was also 54 the same age as my mum too.


Unfortunately I have not been able to see my mum for almost 2 weeks now as my family have had flu and I had a sv so we could not risk infection on my mum. As soon as my son gets rid of his cold we will be there for her and enjoy every minute.


You are right about my MIL being spoilt. She was an only child and always got her own way. She even has spoilt child tantrums now when she does not get her own way. Deep down I know it is my MIL with the problem but I still end up feeling guilty. I suppose that is just lack of self confidence.


I really hope things get easier for you. I am so sorry about your mum. Thank you for the kind words for my mum. She is having chemo tomorrow which is probably why I am feeling so bad today, but you have made me see just how luckyI am. Thank you.

[californiagirl]

CURLY WURLY~~


You ARE very lucky, and I am glad I could offer useful advice to you. Thank you for your words on my Mom, I do miss her soooooooooooo much and actually cried my eyes out for her last night. It is very hard!! You sound like a wonderful person---keep your chin up[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]

[curly wurly]

Thank you Charlene.


You have really made me feel better. I suddenly feel really lucky. I have a fantastic mum, 2 beautiful children who really need me and a lovely(if a little bossy!) husband. I just need to get a little bit stronger and enjoy them even more. Thankyou once again and good luck with everything you are having to cope with at the moment. I will be thinking of you.

[californiagirl]

I'll be thinking of you too.

[aar13]

My MIL doesn't really get involved in our life too much. I mean, we see her and she calls my hubby almost every day, but she doesn't buttinto our business and I get a long with her for the most part.


I feel so bad for you Curly Wurly and wish I could offer you some advice to make her understand how you feel about the way she treat you. I wouldn't take it too personally if that's the way she treats her own daughter - obviously she is a miserable person who wants to make other people feel her pain.


It sucks that you have to deal with her since you are married to her son, but just TRY to ignore/avoid her as much as possible.


I hope things get better for you!


Alissa

[ontariogirl]

YIKES, thank god I don't have a mother in law!!!