OT--Marriage Problem, Advice ?

[californiagirl]

OK, hubby and I don't have the best, most affectionate relationship. In (kinda) short: I was in a very abusive marriage, had alot of mental "scars", and basically took it out on current hubby. He is not the nicest person in the world though. He is boring, depressing, and says the most mean things to me, very demeaning. He is not affectionate at all. I could be crying in front of him because I miis my Mom who died, and he won't even hug me when I need him to, things like that. Well, we had a HUGE fight tonight and I told him that I'm tired of him being so mean to me, and that if he wanted me to leave, to look me in the eye and tell me to. He did. He said I was all "tough" and dare him, so he did! I didn't dare him, I just said "IF" he wanted me to leave, to tell me. Well, I do say this alot because he confuses the s**t out of me!!! He says he loves me, doesn't want me to leave, and that we'll work on the marriage. Tonight I guess I made him REALLY mad and he got in my face and blurted out for me to leave. Well, naturally I was crying already because of the fight, and started crying hysterically after that. I love him, and sometimes thought of leaving him because of the way he is, but like I said, for some reason I do love him and am not ready to end this marriage, We just celebrated our 4th Anniversary. So, we told my 14-year-old daughter what happened, she cried. I pleaded with him to think this out. He said he loves me, and that he doesn't "want" me to leave, but when he was really mad about 15 minutes earlier he said he's wanted me to leave for 4 years!!! We were living in Massachusetts, and I wanted to come back to the south west. I gave him an ultimatum in July to get a divorce or come with me, but I hated MA and was gonna leave with or without him. He came with me. See why I'm confused?? Why did he come with me then if he wanted out of my life? NOW, in the last 1/2 hour or so, he's saying he doesn't want me to leave, and he never did!!! UGGH!, BUT, even though we love each other, maybe we just can't make it work. He said we will both think about things tomorrow while he's at work, and have a decision tomorrow night. So we told my daughter that too. I think I know what he's doing: He wants ME to think about what I said to him, that suddenly growing a set of b**ls (sorry), and standing up to him caused him to "call my bluff", because he's tired of my nagging. We've been going thru this stuff since about the year 2000. So, I am thoroughly confused. I know he loves me and doesn't want me to leave, but he will torture me all day tomorrow knowing I don't want a divorce, but forcing me to regret getting in his face. He's all about being "accountable" for our actions. He did kiss me goodnight and say I Love You like he does every night, but that could just be to shut me up. SORRY SO LONG, but I am hurt, and hoping he doesn't call it quits!! Does anyone have any advice for me? I can also answer Q's if you have any. I will be a nervous wreck until tomorrow (Monday) night!!

[amyjeanne]

Hi Charlene,


I just joined this site. And just read your post. WOW! Sounds like we have so very much in common, it's almost eerie [img]smileys/smilies_09.gif[/img]! Briefly I will tell you a little bit about "me". I have been with my husband a little more than 15 years now. He was abusive to me years ago. Both physically and mentally. That's a long story though. We have one child...a son -who's 14. We want to get a divorce (just about every day we talk about it). I'm originally from Mass. born and raised. Moved to Pa. in 1983, when I was just 14 and half. I can't stand my husband...for the most part. He plays these "head games" with me...that just make me crazy!! He gets me so Fricken' mixed up at times, I don't know if I'm coming or going [img]smileys/smilies_12.gif[/img]. Well, I do need to get to sleep here soon, so I will close for now. I have to say it was great to see I'm not alone in this mixed up "marriage from hell"....lol. Also, I suffer greatly from emetophobia. Which believe it or not, I never knew there was a name for it. I will take a bottle of "TUMS" to avoid vomiting. Then most likely I would end up throwin' up the tums....which was awful I must say. Ok,I'm still typing here....lol. This was first post, and I'm sure not my last. I am so grateful to have (somewhat) stumbled across this site [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]. Hello everyone!!


Take care Charlene, and hopefully we will chat soon .


Sincerely and God Bless,


Amy Jeanne [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]


*Sry if it sounds like I'm rambling in this message, just real tired. I hope I made some kind of sense here......lol. *smilez*

[tcsarah]

I'm sorry both of you are going through this it must be really tough and upsetting.


Charlene, have you and your hubby ever thought about marriage counselling? I think it would be a good idea as it certainly sounds like neither of you want to call it quits (we all say things we don't mean in the heat of an arguement), but have quite a few issues that need resolving.


Amy Jeanne, your husband obviously has problems. To me it sounds like he is very insecure and plays these mind games with you to undermine you and lower your self-confidence. Has he ever seen a therapist or had anger management sessions? He needs to get some help as it certainly sounds like he is the destructive force in your marriage.


To both of you I would say sit your hubbies down and suggest outside help from counsellors/therapists. If they refuse then maybe it's ultimatum time ie tell them if they don't allow this outside help you really can't see the marriage surviving so the inevitable split will happen. Point out to them that surely it's worth a shot and one last ditch effort to save your marriage.


Take care both of you and good luck.


Tracey

[tcsarah]

Oh, I forgot to say, "Welcome to the group Amy Jeanne!" [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]

[mjewell]

Hi gals -


Charlene, sounds like you guys have been having problems for as long as you have been married... What made you fall in love in the first place? Obviously there must be something very strong holding you together or you wouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

[californiagirl]

Thanks guys!!!!!


AMYJEANNE~~~ Welcome!! Thank you for the reply, and I am really sorry to hear about your situation as well.Where in PA do you live? If we get divorced, I will be moving near Harrisburg--my Dad and sister are there. They own a mortgage co., and said I can work for them as a loan officer and buy a house from them as well, so at least I know I do have somewhere to go. How close R U to Harrisburg?


TCSARAH~~~ Thank you!! Well, he refuses to go to counselling!! No offense to Italians, but he is a very old-school Italian from Boston, and he is very stubborn and proud, won't sit in front of a DR. and hear what he does wrong. BUT, I do agree with you that that would be best to do in my situation. If we stay together, I mysekf will seek counselling--I actually will look forward to it.


MJEWELL~~~ Thanks Mandee! Well, the funny thing is, when I first met him, I was annoyed by him and NOT attracted to him, but he was sooooo nice, listened to me, talked to me, and was there for me thru a rough time in my life. We have been thru hell together, very true. Our relationship is definitely a rocky one. I also believe what U said about us having a strong bond. We do love each other very much, but just don't see eye to eye on hardly anything. His rotten kids called last night which started the whole fight. I LOATHE those kids, because they almost destroyed my marriage and they hurt my daughter, and they're always in some type of legal trouble! Honestly I don't kno what our bond is, but other couples in our situation would have ended long ago. We'll talk tonight about whether or not we'll keep working at things. This is sooooo frustrating!!!! I will keep you updated....................

[SimplyMe]

Hey Charlene, I'm sorry you are going thru all of this. I'm not married so I don't feel qualified to throw in any advice lol.Anyhow, I like the therapy idea but if your hubby won't go that doesn't help much on his part however good idea for you to go anyhow. I hope you guys can talk this thru andfigure out what is best. On the plus side you do have a place to go so your choices won't be based on that whichis good. I wish I had magic words for you to make it better but I don't. Just know we are all here. Good luck w/ the talk!

[californiagirl]

SIMPLYME~~~~ Well, even though you're not married, you did help me just by caring to respond[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]---Thank you!! And you're right about therapy. I am going to get help for myself.


UPDATE: We did talk, and we're giving things another try, by me getting some help. I have alot of pain to deal with, and am tired of being sad and miserable. I figure that one of two things will happen as a result---I will become a stronger person, able to contribute a more positive attitude to the marriage, OR I will be strong enough to leave my hubby and be OK for doing so. He doesn't want professional help, and he has prob's too. I may just "outgrow" him, I don't know. Time will tell. There is one thing I need to do though, which is be able to let hubby go out golfing or to a game with his friends. I am so afraid if he goes out, he'll go to a strip club or he'll meet someone else. I am VERY insecure, and he has NEER given me a reason to not trust him. He may be an a**hole but he isn't a cheater. Can anyone (female) advise me on this? Do you let your significant other go out w/out you? Is it easy to do?

[mjewell]

Hi Charlene -


Good for you getting help. No matter what, whether things work out or not, at least you can say you gave it everyhting you had. That's a lot more than most people do before separating.


My hubby goes out without me usually once or twice a week socially. Sometimes I get mad because I feel like a loser left at home, but that is my choice. I could go hang out with friends but I choose not to on weeknights - i would rather stay home and stick with my routine. He is much more social and spontaneous than me, so we would both be pretty miserable if I made him stay home all the time or he made me go out all the time. I totally trust him...I never worry about him with other women, but I do make him call me if he is going to be late or "check in" just so i don't get worried.


No matter what, I make sure we always have "fun night" together during the week and once on the weekends. I get really grouchy if I don't see him all week because he is out with this friends, working, playing b-ball, etc.

[curly wurly]

I am glad you are giving things another go Charlene. I really hope everything goes well for you.


I know it is hard for you to have to let your husband go out without you. My husband works away for 4 months at a time so he rarely goes out without me when he is home, though when he does it is to see a female friend who split up with her husband a couple of years ago. To start with I found it hard, then I started thinking that if I stopped him seeing her he would do it anyway without telling me. I trust him completely and know they are just friends.I think you need to let your husband go out without you even though it will be hard.


I'm sorry you have been feeling so sad and are dealing with a lot of pain at the moment. I hope you get all the help you need and your husband will support you through this. Good luck.

[californiagirl]

MJEWELL~~


You gave me some hope, THANK YOU!!

[californiagirl]

CURLY WURLY~~


Thanks, I do think I'll feel better after seeing a dr.

[sweet]

I really hope things work out for you - good on you both for giving it another go - too many people give up too easily these days....

I'm not married but I have been with my partner for nearly 13 years and things have been good - you have to have trust in a relationship - it's soooo important...... I have never had a problem with him going out, likewise I am free to come and go and he is happy with this - if I am happy, he is happy, and vice versa. You cannot control another human being.... If he is going to do something he will, regardless of whether you 'let' him go out or not. Kiss him goodbye as he leaves and tell him you hope he has fun - he will leave thinking how lucky he is to have such an understanding wife and will look forward to returning home and telling you all about his golf, or whatever! I know it can be hard but try not to let your feelings eat away at you while he is out - maybe arrange lunch with a girlfriend or something so you will be busy. Good luck x

[californiagirl]

I really hope things work out for you - good on you both for giving it another go - too many people give up too easily these days....

Kiss him goodbye as he leaves and tell him you hope he has fun - he will leave thinking how lucky he is to have such an understanding wife and will look forward to returning home and telling you all about his golf, or whatever!

THANK YOU, and you are right!


I really need to relax and occupy MY time as well[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[SimplyMe]

I PMed you. [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[californiagirl]

I PMed you. [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

I PM'd you back...........

[SimplyMe]

lol thanks I did too lol.

[gubba]

Charlene...I have not been on in a few days, so I just saw your post. I am sorry and you and I wrote back and forht about your situation a few months ago. I hope you can work things out if it is what you want. Don't stay miserable for him if he is not going to help you feel better. You deserve much better than that, but if he is willing to go for help and maybe he can see that he too is not so perfect, and he needs to love you and respect you, then it may work.


I am thinking about you and hoping for the best for you!!!!

[californiagirl]

Thanks GUBBA,


I really do appreciate what you said, and you're 100% right.

[tcsarah]

Good for you, Charlene, for deciding to go for therapy - I wish you all the best with it. Just a pity your husband won't consider it, but you never kknow once he sees how therapy is helping you he may consider it.


I'm glad you are sticking with things and not calling time on your marriage because it does sound like you still love each other, so things are worth one last shot. And if things don't work out you'll know you did your very best to fight for your marriage. As you say, things may very well change when you become stronger with therapy. Whatever happens I wish you lots of luck and happiness.[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]


Try not to worry when your husband goes out, it seems to be you know in your heart he is not one of those people who will ever be unfaithfull, trust those instincts. On those days or nights that he goes out treat yourself to a pampering session at home doing things you enjoy or arrange to see your friends. I quite like it when my fiance has a night out as I open a bottle of wine, snuggle up on the sofa with the dog and watch something good on tv. It's good not be joined at the hip and, I think, healthiest for a relationship.


All the best. Take care.


Tracey

[californiagirl]

TRACEY~~


Thank you, you make alot of sense and I felt better after reading your reply[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]

[stella9]

Charlene,


I have hesitated writing for a bit, but now I feel the need to comment. I am keeping in mind that I don't know you nor do I know your specific situation so I want to be somewhat careful in my analysis and assessment. You asked for suggestions, so here is mine.


First of all, I don't likewhat I read. You have been with someone for four years plus who has been downright abusive to you. What is the point? He tells you loves you, but his actions speak of somone who is unstable and manipulative. He gets power and some kind of sick satisfaction by upsetting you and yanking your chain. Why on earth to you love someone like this?


You mentioned that you were in an abusive marriage before this one. You are in abusive marriage number two. Quite frankly, the real work needs to begin with you. Why on earth have you succumbed to crummy marriage number 2? Don't you deserve better?


Here's the biggest part worth thinking of and that is how this affects your children. What does it teach them? Is this howwomen are to be treated? Do you want your children to repeat the same kind of relationships? If you continue with this relationship in the manner in which it goes round and round, your children WILL continue this cycle of abuse in their marriages. This will be your legacy to them.


You claim you love him. Hmmm, that is disconcerting to me. Think about what you love. He does not make you feel secure at all in this relationship. Sorry darlin', but that is not love. Its a whole lot of other things, but love is not one of them.


To be a nervous wreck and to cry hysterically (as you put it) over this ogre is downright foolish. You need to really do some serious soul searching. Do you want this nonsense when you are in your 50's and 60's?


Lastly, he has no right to say mean and demeaning things to you. Period. You don't have to listen to this. Period. The power is with you.


I know I sound harsh, but your post was very disturbing to me. You really should move away from anyone who does not treat you with love (true), respect and empathy.


Stella