Tired of it

[chibi]

Please allow me to rant. There will be parts about V* so stop now if you dont want to read it. Nothing overly graphic.
Its frustrating how well I do when there is not 'trigger event' going on, and then something happens. A week ago, wednesday I got up and knew something was wrong. I live in my fiance's families house (which includes mom, dad, brother, grandma, fiance, and me). I noticed his teenage brother was home from school. I asked my fiance when he came home from work in the morning, what was going on. I went upstairs as he talked to his brother, and my worst fears came true, he was sick (V*). We knew I had to get out, like last year when my roommate was sick, so I quickly grabbed all my things and left and lived with my parents for exactly one week. Apparently his brother was perfectly fine by about noon that day, didnt have any D*, but had a mild fevor. Im almost thinking it might ave been food poisoning or something, not a virus. Any ideas on that? Anyway, he was absolutely fine the next day and running arounds outside on a snowmobile and everything so.. I dont know what it was, but I still stayed at my parents house. Ive been home for three days now and I am still afraid to use the dishes. My fiance is really supportive, and he did a great job of keeping the 'infection' contained, and sanitizing everything. His brother stayed downstairs and used the half-remodeled bathroom no one uses, and stayed in the den, whereas the bathroom WE use is upstairs as well as our rooms. So that was great really. But heres the part that makes me frustrated as hell now... I went into work yesterday, BAM right in front of the doors outside someone had V*. I didnt see it happen, I only saw IT, and it was just before someone cleaned it up.. I was like.. why me!??!? Probably about 4 times this month I have known of idiot people not listening to their kids and bringing them to the store even if they dont feel good, tehn the kids have V* in our store or outside the doors. I HATE PEOPLE. SO stupid. So because of that happening I always feel scared to go in the part of the store the kid was sick in, I get afraid to use the bathrooms but I HAVE to, I work 8 hour shifts, 40 hours a week... about 2 weeks ago a baby spit up formula on the aisle and I had to stand guard while someone got a mop, but I handled that okay since I Knew it was just baby spit up, not really V*. But seeing that outside yesterday really disturbed me and I was a wreck when I came home. I know my OCD is hurting me bad- I feel like EVERYTHING is contaminated no matter how many times its cleaned, its just so tiring, every minute of every day for over a week, feeling terror, doing stupid things to avoid 'getting it'. I just hate it. Im on xanax, that helps dull the panic while Im at work, but Ive been told I need to get on some sort of seratonin-upper so I can be helped with my OCD. All I know is Im so tired of all this. It hurts to live life this way, but I feel that when I move out with just my fiance and go back to college, I will do a lot better.
I had to let that out to people who know. Right now his family probably thinks i am a nutjob, but he told me they are just worried about me. But I know I cause for him to fight with them sometimes, I cause all sorts of problems for everyone all the time. Its just part of being this way I guess, but its something I cannot accept.
Thanks for reading if you did...

[Galadriel]

Chibi,

I know this phobia can make life a wreck sometimes. I really
feel for you. I too work retail, and some days I get afraid what if I
got sick at the store? I also get anxious about other things, and man
it just sucks. It makes it hard, but I have to work. Are you going to
be able to move in just you and fiance soon? I'm sure that will help.
It can be stressful just living in a house full of people like that. I
bet that will help some.

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