My therapist shocked me - please comment

[2jo2]

I posted another thread a few days ago telling about my in-laws plans for a visit but my mother in law got sick 2 days before, remained sick until the day before their visit, and I asked my husband to tell them not to come. I got some great support that I felt ok about my decision to not let them come.


I had therapy on Wednesday night and of course this was the topic of our session. Instead of agreeing that I should take things on only as I can handle them, my therapist told me that my choices were bad from the beginning. The summary of what she told me was that when dealing with people and this phobia, that if there's a choice between hurting someone's feelings by "shunning" them because of a sickness (for example, asking them not to come) or having myself be anxious and on edge, that I should go with using my coping skills and make myself uncomfortable and go back to faking it and hiding the phobia like I did for so many years so as not to hurt relationships with other people. I was shocked, offended and couldn't believe what she said!!! I even told her that I was just trying to absorb what she said, because I was so shocked. I have told her in the past about things that go on like sick people coming to work, people insensitively sharing v stories, etc. and she'd always claim that I'd have anxiety because I wasn't ready for that.... I was ready for like a 4 on the anxiety scale, but not a 10 like I experienced.


As she said these things, thoughts went thru my head such as I'm not going to be able to see her anymore, and I felt betrayed by her, like all of a sudden my time was up for being a victim of this phobia and now I had to basically suck it up and get over it. She didn't say these words, but that's what they felt like.


So my question: am I being overly sensitive? I don't want to be coddled encourage the phobia, but I honestly wasn't ready for the prospect that my house would be exposed to a virus. I'm really torn on this, and don't know what to think. Sorry this was long..... but I'd love your comments.

[e-lizabeth]

I'm sorry you feel so betrayed by your therapist but if we want to truly get better with our phobia, at some point we have to confront things that make us feel uncomfortable. A number of years ago, I couldn't even take the subway and I had trouble going to classes (I was in grad school), and eventually I had to just "suck it up" and do things, even though they made me feel terrible. We have to remember, too, that anxiety is just an uncomfortable feeling and as much as we'd like to completely avoid feeling that way, we need to know that it won't harm us long-term. That it'll just feel really bad.


Don't give up on your therapist. I gave up on so many therapists over the years and it truly hindered my progress. Good luck.

[2jo2]

And I really don't want to stop seeing my therapist, I was just so shocked that her story changed with how I should deal.... Like I said, I don't want to be coddled, told everything's going to be ok, kept in a bubble. I want to get better. I just have trouble with taking that last extra step to the next level of anxiety. The thought of going to the next level terrifies me. When do you know you're ready???

[dord]

I don't know that I'dever feel that I'm ready to go to that next level. I guess I'd have to just jump in with both feet. But being a fellow emetophobe I'd have definitely asked that they consider postponing.Now the rational part of my brain knows that guests can arrive and then get sick, nothing we can do about that.I'd be a nervous wreck but I'd get thru it and I'd do my best to take care of them.I'd say you're lucky that you've found a therapist you like. If shethinks you're ready for that next step then you probably are.Is shemaking suggestionson how todeal with the panic/anxiety?I have my safety net which makes it so much easier for me toenjoy things instead of letting the anxiety ruin it for me.

[mjewell]

She probably was just trying to challenge you, but she went about it the wrong way and it was really insensitive. Instead of telling you that you are making "bad" decisions and making you feel guilty about a situation that was already hard for you, she should be saying put that behind you and let's work on what we will do the next time a situation comes up. Her job is to prepare you and give you the tools you need for future anxiety-invoking events, nit chastise you for what you have done in the past.

[crimgoddess]

Well, my opinion, for what it's worth, is that sometimes the truth hurts. This phobia does make us think irrationally- and therefore contributes to bad decisions. When someone points this out it can make you be taken aback- but is there not some truth to it?


I agree with e-lizabeth...eventually we gotta bite the bullet and face what scares us if we ever have any hope of getting over this. As the prof I TA for told our class "suck it up Princess" (my new personal motto).


I would also discuss your hurt feelings with your therapist- would probably provoke a good discussion.


*amber*

[soluene]

I agree that your therapist should not say you made a "bad" decision. The decision and deed were already past, there is no point in beating yourself up about something that is over with. Instead,I think you should focus on how can you handle it better in the future.


When my sister was v*ing a few weeks ago, I was more stressed out and sick than she was. I consider this phobia to be an illness just as bad (actually WORSE) than an sv, and I asked her to be understanding that I could not really take care of her. I bought groceries for her, and I dropped them off by her door. I know that was a selfish thing to do, butshe was understanding, and I did what I could within my personal limits.


Yes, someday I will need to dive into a situation. In fact, just last night I ended up taking care of a really drunk girl. I was scared she was going to v*, but since there was no one else to drive her home, I did it - I drove her for 30 minutes while she burped and passed out and burped and passed out. She didn't v*, but my point is that when I have no choice (I could not leave her at the bar), I can cope. And so can you!

[hanarky]

I THINK YOUR THERAPIST SHOULD GET FIRED
THATS POOR ADVICE AS WELL AS A VERY HALF-ASSED JOB AT THEIR
PROFESSION
WTF IS THAT?
do they just want their per-hour pay?!
my doctor is like that and so is my shrink i never visited them agian.Edited by: hanarky

[shiva]

You're paying her to help you and that is exactly what she is trying to do. The only way to face a fear is to deal with it. The more we run away, the more strong we make the fear. I think she sounds like she is really trying to help you move forward with progress. There is nothing wrong with that.. That is her job. I think of therapy like I think of parenting. My daughter does not have to like me. I do not have to be her friend. My rules are my rules. Period. It is not a therapists job to make you happy and validate what you don't like in your life. There are going to be times when those feelings are challenged by her and that is good. She is not your friend. Her job is to make you a better person. Enabling you only perpetuates the phobia, which is far from what we should be going to therapy for.


I know it hurts and is really scary when these things happen in therapy, but remember what the agenda is and try to not take things so personally. I believe she really does have your best interest in mind.


That's just my oppinion. Keep going and do what she is suggesting. Then maybe soon you can be on here helping others get over thier fear.

[sage]

2jo,


I think you should really spend a session - even a few if necessary - talking to your therapist about how you feel about what she said, and how it is affecting your relationship. No matter what other contributing factors, this phobia ALWAYS has its roots in our closest relationships. Through the therapeutic relationship, you can begin to work out your feelings of betrayal, abandonment, etc. BUT YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HER.


Sometimes I think therapists can just "lose it" because they love you and want to help you and it doesn't seem to be working. Years after my successful treatment, I'm doing research with my old therapist (who treated me) and he was like "sometimes I used to think - 'O for God's sake'"...but he never actually SAID IT. Most of the time he said he just thought "she's not getting better - there must be something wrong with me". Therapists are people too, and it's probably frustrating for them that you don't get better faster.


But you are her equal and she is yours and you're in a relationship with her. Like E-liz says, don't give up. I, too, gave up on many therapists who may have not been as much of idiots as I later came to think (some def. were, however!)


Anyway, I'd march in there and tell her she's supposed to give you "unconditional positive regard"!! And what does she have to say about that. And cry about how hurt you are while you're with her.


As for the issue itself...well...I'm going to refrain from comment, cuz I think that most of the time the issue is not the issue. If you know what I mean.


Good luck!

[lizzo]

Hmm, I know that would make me very uncomfortable! Though that may be what your therapist reccomended, she may not always be right. If you don't feel comfortable, or if you don't feel that you could deal with that, don't. And I really think you should speak with her about your thoughts on that.

[2jo2]

Thanks everyone, I have an appointment on Wednesday after work. I will certainly talk to her again about how I felt about her advice.


I know in my heart that she was trying to help me and I also know that I need her honesty like she gave me. I said I didn't want to be coddled, and that's what I got! I'm determined to get over this phobia and I'd be wasting my time if I sat there and ignored the original reason I came to therapy. Maybe that's my problem, is that I have too many people who support me and tell me it's ok to feel like I do, but it's not ok, and she's going to help me get well!

[lilyann]

It does sound like your therapist was a little harsh and impatient. I know that school don't even want kids to be there until they have been v* free for 24 hours. I think some people should just have the common courtesy to cancelon their ownwhen they are not well or are just getting over something. It would save everyone else a lot of grief in the long run!! But like everyone else here said, it sounds like your therapist thought she was helping and deserves to hear your thoughts about the situation and her recommendations. It would certainly be a lot easier to find a common ground with her then to start all over with another therapist and run into a similar is not worse situation with them!! Good luck!

[purpleteacher]

I'm going to be blunt and call it like I see it:
I agree with your therapist. Getting out of your comfort zone is part of the healing process and by "avoiding your fear", you aren't coming to terms with it. Part of dealing with emet is to live a more normal life, including dealing with sick family members. I think she was right on the head with her statement and she was being honest with you.


I do believe that now she has more reason to suspect that your phobia is running even deeper than she imagined. She, your therapist, should be taking advantage of your decision and help you work through scenarios in the future so you can better cope with people who are ill.


This should be a light-bulb time for you and your therapist and it also shows how you are or are not able to apply what you have been working on during therapy. I believe this event shows that you need to learn how to apply your new coping skills and that up through this moment, you have been struggling with applying them realistically.


Healing hurts! You have to work through the pain in order to get better and avoiding it only makes it harder to deal with later on down the line.

[stella9]

I waited before I commented on this one. I am very surprised at your therapist's choice of words describing your decision. A "bad" decision it was not. Her judgment is not what you are asking for, but rather what is considered pathological and how you can heal that pathology or atleast cope with it. I am in absolute disagreement with your therapist. You have choices and chose not to expose yourself or your family to an illness that would distress you. You did not "shun" anyone. You made a clear and well thought out choice based on your life experience and comfort level. Many people, not just emets, would have done the same thing. Your decision was very prudent. Quite frankly, your in-laws made a selfish decision in believing it would be okay to visit you when they are sick.


Your therapist has a point about being in the general population. You can't control whether people come to work sick or if they insist on providingthe sordid details of their v** episodes for the sake of their interested (and not so interested) co-workers. However, you have every bit of control about who stays in your home and when.



By the way, a therapist is nothing more than a person who went to college, got a degree and got a job. Wehold them to a higher standard because of the vulnerable nature of their patients/cleints, but that is our mistake. There are people who are talented at their work and others who are so-so. From what you have shared, she is not exactly up to snuff.


Stella