I feel like I’m going crazy!

[ashkay134]

I don't really know where to begin...


I'm 20 years old and I've suffered from this phobia for about 7-8 years now. I feel very strange finally being able to talk about it with people who understand how I feel... I've had severe panic disorder, agoraphobia, and depression over this for just as long. I dropped out of high school during the beginning of my sophomore year, and homeschooled the rest of the way through. I couldn't be around anyone. I stayed inside my house for more than two years without ever even leaving to go to my mailbox... I've now put off going to school for two moreyears, quit a good job I had, and I feel like I'm losing hold of my goals and dreams. I'm sometimes so frightened by the thought of getting sick that I won't eat for days and days... I'm scared of eating out or being around people who are sick, even people I really care about. The thought of getting sick sends me into a violent panic episode. I get mad at people when they drink so much that they get sick. I'm scared to get sick in front of anyone. Hell, I'm just scared in general about the whole thing... It's ruining my life... It's ruining my relationships... I don't know what to do!!! I've spent THOUSANDS on psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, and hypnotherapists to try to get rid of it, but nothing seems to help. Frankly, I'm just sick and tired of being scared! I really don't know how it all started... So far the only thing that people really seem to agree on is the amount of death I've had to deal with. I've lost over 40 people that were VERY close to me, and I've been told that's not a normal thing to deal with. I really thought it was! I don't know... I'm very confused and angry and upset about it. I just can't handle it anymore. I want my life back!!!

[srae4]

Wow, I know exactly how you feel... I've also had the severe panic attacks with this (even if i'm not nauseas, I'll just have a panic attack over something else ... like the possibility that it will happen someday in the future) As far as the agoraphobia thing goes, I can feel you on that too... the only thing i can say about that, is just try not to lose any ground that you do have, it's been my experience that once you avoid something once, it is that much harder to do the next time ... I constantly think about the possibility of getting sick in public, and so i bring sweaters , plastic bags, or anything that i can rationalize with myself that i could use to 'get sick in' should it happen while i'm in the car w/ someone, or just walking in the mall... i also quit a really good job because I would get such severe panic attacks at the thought of becoming sick (it probably wasn't hte best job for me to have, it was at a home for children with developmental disabilities, and they would become sick, and of course.. we had to clean it.... ) So, that was pretty much impossible.. but there were other aspects of the job that were awesome, especially since I am going to school in that field it would have been great experience.... but, i do understand how you feel, so just know that you're not alone... i have read a few really good books that have helped a little (therapists / medication didn't help me at all either) but any ofthe books by lucinda Bassett were helpful..


Goodluck!


-Sheri

[sage]

HI Ashkay,


I was really moved by your story. The amount of death in your life is absolutely a major contributing factor to any sort of anxiety disorder, and this one is no exception. I have a similar story, really...losing my brother at age 3 and my dad at age 9 (dad was my primary caregiver, in a "mom" role). Anyway, I also spent thousands and went to 10 different sorts of therapists over 20 years! But finally I figured out what I needed, and how to get it, and now I am completely cured.


If you go to the Treatments thread on this forum, at the top are sticky posts with info about the disorder as well as how to find a therapist and treatment program that really works. Good luck!

[ashkay134]

Thank you both so much! For the advice and for actually taking the time to try to help. It reall means alot to me!

[violet]

Everyone feels like you do when you have emet,seems like no matter how much you try it always seems to hang over your head.


It takes a really special person to make things even the slightest bit better,but there are alot of people on here who are really amazing people,they do understand and who are here for you.


We spend alot of time wondering why how we managed to get this,why this happined to us and it has stopped alot of things happining in our lives but, when we get angry at people because of our emet and what they do in there lives its only because we cant really understand why they do it because its something we are so scared of.


I really hope that coming here will help you.


If you need anything then as well as everyone else im here.


Take Care


xVx