Nonchalant husband--how to handle?

[lilyann]

Hi everyone! I was talking to my husband last night about my emet and trying to explain to him how much I fear v*. I told him when I am exposed to someone with an sv, I feel like I am a character in the movie "Alien" who has been infected with the alien baby and is just waiting for it to come bursting out. That's how I feel, like it is a life or death scenario. He asked why I feel so strongly about it, because he doesn't see v*ing that way. He assured me that although he does not *like* to v*, it does not bother him that much and he knows it is soon over. He said when he does take care of our son when he is v*, he does wonder if he will catch it too, but he feels it is more important to comfort and cuddle with our son than worry about getting sick himself. He has even slept in our son's bed after our son has been v* to comfort him and he has caught sv's that way twice in the past couple years. He said he always thought of it as a thing kids got, not adults. Then I pointed out to him that he did get it too, so that can't be true. He did agree, and said he is careful about washing and disinfecting. But in the end, he is not worried about catching it and v* too, it is just a part of life. How can one be so nonchalant about it? It almost sounds like he likes to v* to me or at least does not have the healthy fear he claims to have of it. I am so frustrated and I fear that he is not as careful as he says he is. Do any of you have spouses/partners like this?

[curly wurly]

My husband is very much not bothered by v*. Unfortunately he works away for 4 months at a time so he has missed the majority of times when my children v*, but if he is home he cleans it up with no problems and does not worry about being near the sick child. I sometimes think he is not as careful as me about cleaning up v* and washing his hands thoroughally afterwards. I have tried talking to him about emet and whilst he knows I have a fear of v* he cannot completely understand and gets quite frustrated with me.

[suze]

Yeah, mine used to tell me to grow up! He'd deal with the kids but he wasn't at all patient if I became over-anxious. We separated a year ago and I have since had to deal with the kids when they v*. and clear it up. An you know what, even though I dread it and it frightens me, at least I could pat myself on the back, stick two fingers up and say, "see, I'm not as weak as you thought!" Depsite all the fear, panic, and anxiety, there was some satisfaction in being able to say that.

[crimgoddess]

My boyfriend is just as non-chalant about it. He's a nurse and deals with it almost everyday (and most of his patients are fairly immobile, so he is right in there when they do vomit). Whenever someone around us complains of feeling sick, or needing to vomit, he calms me down by saying "don't worry, it's just a little vomit. It can't possibly hurt you", etc. But, I also know that as much as he really doesnt mind having to deal with it - he is careful about hygiene (he has to be). So, not having an extreme fear of it like many of us do does not necessarily equate with liking it, or not taking the proper precautions.


You have to be careful not to judge other by our standards when it comes to this fear. Just because they don't have an extreme fear catchinga virusthe way many people on this board do- it doesn't mean that they want to catch it, or don't take precautions- or that they like to be sick. My boyfriend whineslike a 3 year old when his stomach is upset- and I know that he hates throwing up. BUT- it's not a phobia, so as much as he doesn't like to be sick, he doesn't let that dislike stand in the way of helping others. I know it may be hard to see it that way- but I'm sure it's just as frustrating to them to have to deal with us when we're freaking out because someone around us has just been sick.


I think both parties need to give a little bit here.


*amber*

[suze]

Of course Amber, you're right, but in my case it was like I was ridiculed. I know I would freak out at times, but an understanding, caring hug would have made a big difference. My new partner is so different, the last time my son was ill, she came round at 2am just to be there for me, and when I'd dealt with him, heaped the praise on for how well I coped with a situation that she knows is so difficult for me. That is what's needed in my case. I don't need praise as such, but to know someone is there for me is a good feeling. Your boyfriend seems to try and reassure you at least.


Oh, and the only time we all caught a sv, my husband stayed in bed all day and left me to deal with a kid who vomited 14 times in 9 hours! I figured if I had the bug, there was no need to worry about catching it!

[lilyann]

I'm not trying to sound angry here. I just don't understand how some people can just say, oh well, if it happens it happens and I'll just go v* now. I know my grandmother and mother in law are like that too. They talk about it so casually. I am so happy that my husband takes care of our son. I know most people don't even have that luxury. But now it is starting to not seem like such a luxury if he is going to get sick and v* too because it just prolongs the whole agonizing experience for me and my emet. I am working at trying to face my emet in the hopes of trying to overcome it or at least not let it control me so much. I want to be able to take care of my son myself the next time he gets sick. But when I hear my husband talk so nonchalantly about it, it makes me realize how many light years I am away from my goal. It's frustrating!!! I don't know if I will ever be able to see it the way he does and his attitude baffles me. Thank you everyone for your replies though. It helps to hear from others and I'm glad you're out there!!

[crimgoddess]

Sorry Suze- I think we were posting at the same time and I didnt actually get to read yours before I posted.


If your ex ridiculed you for your fear, that just makes him a bit of an ass (for lack of a better word). I don't think that would be acceptable under any circumstance, and I'm glad that you are now with someone who can at least empathize with what you are going through when your kids are sick. They may not 'get' it (the same way we may not get why they DON'T make a big deal of it)- but as long as they can provide support, that's all that matters


Lilyann- I know it can seem discouraging when you see how much vomit is a non-issue for your partner, because that is so far from where you are now. What about setting smaller goals in the meantime? Like helping your husband care for your son the next time he is sick (so you don't get overwhelmed the first go at it). Attitudes can't change overnight (as much as I wish they could)- although ultimately your goal may be to be able to take care of others when they are ill, or not let this phobia control your life- there are so many babysteps between where you are now and where you want to be (I'm assuming). Take pride in the small achievements, because they aren't easy!


I know that I will probably never be able to see vomit the way my partner does- but I am fine with that. As long as I can get to the point where I can get this fear to a more functional level, and feel confident that I can take care of others when they are sick without completely freaking out and feeling as though I am going to have a heart attack, I'll be satisfied. Who knows, maybe when I get to that point my goals may change, and I'll want to get rid of this phobia completely, or at least view it as a feasible goal.


*amber*

[stella9]

This is tough. I have a friend who can't drive on any road that has a speed limit above 30 mph. She will go out of her way and travel an hour to avoid a highway that can get her to the same place in 10 minutes. My first inclination is to say - "What are you nuts?" Of course, I remember my emet and realize that her fear is very real to her no matter how absurd it may seem to me.


Phobias are IRRATIONAL fears. Our fears are just that - irrational. While not too many people can say they enjoy v***, most people do so without the exteme terror that we experience. They may hear of a sv going around and respond with "I hope I don't get it." Usually, thats about it. With us, the news sends us into complete and utter panic.


The bottom line is this fear is yours (ours) and no one should minimize it. No matter how ridiculous itmay seem to someone else, yourreality (although distorted) is very serious to you.


Stella

[donna1216]

My husband thinks we're all crazy--his motto is, "If there is something bad in your stomach, get it out--you'll feel better!" He has started being more supportive when the kids are sick and I freak out, but he still doesn't get it. He actually believes that it's a realphobia now, however--after 7 years!! He actually told my cousin's girlfriend that she is an emet after she was talking about HER fear of it over Christmas, so that's a breakthrough!!

[ontariogirl]

Donna your husband sounds like my Grandma years ago. Being a nurse she would tell me the same thing. I think that no one likes to vomit. There are countless people out there who are not bothered by vomiting or catching sv from some one. My sons are like that, actually everyone in my family are not bothered at all, only me. Knock on wood my son hasn't been sick, I am fighting off a nasty cold right now but that is it.



It bothers me that I am not like my family, just do it, get it up and that is it. My phobia has eased a bit, and gradually I am becoming stronger. To me all it takes is one set back and than i am at square 1.

[dadhere]

Hello all, just to share a bit of my families situation. My wife and I are not emetophobic, However my wife cannot stand to see anyone vomit. Whenour children get sick, shecannot deal with it becausethe smell makes her gag and has to leave the area and I have tocomfort the sick childbecause everyone hates doing it, no matter who you are. I believe that she finds it extremely grossbut does not panick over it. As I have posted in other areas, our son is emetophobic and thank God heis learning to deal with it through therapy.


It is vey easy for a non emetophobic to be non chalant about vomiting because we dont know whatyour going through. As much as we want to understand, we have no clue. As for my son, I learned to have patients and now am very understanding because in the beginning we didn't know what the heck was going on with hm.


I have beendesensitized to vomiting because of myjob. I am a police officer and see it quite often.Dealingwith drunks and drug addicts for the past seventeen years has made me non chalant. Sorry! Oh, And guess what, IHATE VOMITING TOO!!!

[angel13]

The title of this topic just cracked me up, for some reason [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]"How to handle a nonchalant husband!"


Well, I'm not married, and I don't have a boyfriend, but a bunch of my male friends are terribly nonchalant about the whole v* thing. I was recently at a party with them, and they're all pretty partial to a bit of booze, so a drinking game ensued.During this,one of them announced that he needed to go and v* before drinking anything else. He casually says to the host (with a slight smile on his face and everything, if you don't mind) "Hey, where can I go and puke?" and she directed him into a spot next to the vegetable garden, where he stood retching for about 5 minutes! I was horrified. How can people be so darn casual about it?!


stella, that's very true. The average person sits there, in the case of an sv going around, and thinks "Oh wow, I hope I don't get it," and if they do, it's no huge deal. Just means a few days of feeling bad, to them. Its just like when colds are going around - we all hope we don't get it, but if we do, we just cope...we don't get absolutely frozen with fear and start pacing and hyperventilating if we feel a sneeze coming on XD ...unless, if course, you have a phobia of colds, too! But yeah, its funny how people who don't have emet find it so hard to comprehend, when to us, fearing v* is just life.

[tcsarah]

My fiance is not in the slightest bit bothered by v*ing. Whenever I get sick I can't stand the thought of anybody seeing me or hearing, and he can't get his head around this and always says it wouldn't bother him if I were to do it all over him! [img]smileys/smilies_11.gif[/img] Even though I know this, I'd still be horrified if he saw or heard me!


He really can't understand what there is to be frightened of and why we all just can't get on with it since it's a natural bodily function. The thing is he doesn't have any phobias or fears so I can't even say, "Well you know how you feel about 'spiders, heights, wasps, whatever' that's how we feel about v*." Guess it's hard for people to relate to if they don't suffer from panic disorders or anxiety themselves.