OT: Question For Women ONLY!!!!

**samara's on tv** · 12-14-2005, 02:20 AM

Okay I was wondering something. First of all let me state that I am a lesbian, or at least almost 100% sure that I am one. Some of you have read my other posts so you know that that's the side I'm batting for. Anyway I think I should at LEAST try to have sex with a man before I TOTALLY decide that I am a lesbian. But I'm afraid of it.

1. How bad does it hurt to lose your virginity? My sisters both say that it hurts a lot. I'm really not into something that causes pain.

2. What if I have sex with a guy and I don't like it? I mean what do I say to the guy afterwards? My plan is to have sex with a guy that I've already known for a few years but would that just make it worse?

3. If you have sex with a friend, can you still keep that friendship even if the sex doesn't do anything for you?

4. Really...don't lie...how bad does it hurt? LoL

I would appreciate answers from women because they know but if a guy has some imput I'd be REALLY interested in what they have to say *Wink Wink*

~MonicaEdited by: samara's on tv

**brina85** · 12-14-2005, 02:58 AM

well it hurts but not so bad just the first time my first time i never stuck anything in me before nothing tampons ,dildos,fingers nothing and i had sex and it wasnt so bad i think you should try to have sex with a man though before you decide cause there isnt nothing like a man lol [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]

**crystalmom** · 12-14-2005, 04:00 AM

Well, it does hurt and it doesn't. I mean, even being "straight", and not having it for a while will cause some discomfort at first. Plus, and I HATE to say it, but it depends on how big he is. I mean both thickness and length play a part, and depending on how much you want to experience, it can hurt. For example....when I am on my side and my b/f is behine me (though this is not "doggie" style) it can't hurt like a MOFO![img]smileys/smilies_10.gif[/img] I think it's b/c he actually hits something in there. Other positions don't make it this way though, and I, personally find it quite pleasuable.

Please forgive me for asking, and I don't mean to offend anyone here, but...I assume that other 'things' are put in your vagina. Like fingers, for example. I don't know, I have never had a lesbian experience and I am pretty niave as to what happens....I have a good idea, but I don't know FOR SURE. This, in itself, would stretch you, for lack of better terms. And if it is more than that, chances are, that you hyman would be gone anyway!

Anyway....sorry if I got too personal here.[img]smileys/smilies_09.gif[/img]

Crystal

**samara's on tv** · 12-14-2005, 04:05 AM

No not too personal at all...LoL! I understand what you mean by that. I probably don't have a hymen any more...so maybe it won't hurt as bad as I think. The thing is penises freak me out a little bit. LoL...It's weird I don't even like to look at them...I can barely stand pictures of them, let alone the real thing! I told my friend that if we had sex then it would have to be really dark and I could close my eyes. LoL I'm so weird!

~Monica

**crystalmom** · 12-14-2005, 04:09 AM

Honestly...gay or straight, penis' are ugly. I mean, really! Full of viens, and hang around, doing virtually nothing... don't even get me started on testicles.... LMAO!

I don't like looking at them either. Nasty buggers...so, don't worry, you are not the only one who thinks they are yucky....and I am hetero.

Crystal

**beadgirl** · 12-14-2005, 04:19 AM

Monica- I think penises are ugly too and frankly a little scary. all you have to do is look at it and it moves! First let me say when I first had sex it hurt a little but not excruciating. And I didn't bleed... that's what I was scared about. Also if you're nervous it's gonna hurt because your muscles down there are gonna be all tensed up. Honestly, sex has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. If you don't like guys in a romantic way, then you're having sex with them isn't gonna change anything, know what I mean? There's nothing wrong with liking women. I's someone making you think you need to do this?

Edited by: beadgirl

**crimgoddess** · 12-14-2005, 04:37 AM

Meh...penises are ugly, but I can't say that vaginas are that much more aesthetically pleasing. Please. I think either way it's a raw deal!

As mentioned before-whether or not it will hurt depends on you (how much action in general you have gotten and how your body is formed), and on his size. BUT- thereare ways in which to prepare.

If you really want to do this- out of curiosity or any otherreason- I would suggest getting a really small dildo first and experimenting. There are some small models out there, and if you are by yourself and comfortable youcan really assess whether or not it's going tohurt, and also begin to stretch the tissue so that it makes the experience much easier. Also- LUBE. It really makes a difference.....hell, if I didn't own any I'm sure my boyfriend would have done irreparable damage by now, haha.

I can't say that it won't make the situation with yourfrienda bit weird afterwards- but if you werent attracted to your friend in the first place, and you both spoke about it beforehand and made expectations perfectly clear. But a warning- some people have a hard time separating sex from other emotions- you may say 'its just sex, nothing more' beforehand, but who knows how you or he may feel afterwards.

One last thing- dont feel as though you are obligated to do this. I know many gay people who have no interest at all in experimenting with the opposite sex- while others want toexperience what it feels like to be with the opposite sex; whetherout of curiosity, or to validate the fact that 'yep, I'mgay'. (I have more gay friends than straight friends- we seem to attract each other like funk on skunk)

Make sure too, that if you decide to go for it.....to be able to terminate it at any opportunityifyou don't feel comfortable.

*amber*

**californiagirl** · 12-14-2005, 06:10 AM

Wow---my advice is pretty much the same.

It all depends on size and position. Also, I think it feels better when you are emotionally involved as well. In my opinion, I have no size preference because if I'm really attracted to the guy and he knows how to work it, that is what counts. About the friendship thing, that's hard to say, but an understanding between you two about exactly why you're doing it would definitely take alot of stress out of the situation.

Now, I have a question opposite of yours--- I have been wondering for a few years, what it feels like to be with a woman. I have had dreams, and in them the women are soft and smell good. There was a whole diferent level of intimacy than with a man. When I worked at the strip club as a waitress, the dancers would come on pretty strong, and I can't say I didn't like it! Now I'm curious.....

**californiagirl** · 12-14-2005, 06:12 AM

Oh, and I'm married, have been faithful, wouldn't think of cheating, but but still wonder about women.....Hubby doesn't know....shhhhh!!

**tayda** · 12-14-2005, 06:51 AM

Californiagirl hit it right on I think

I think your level of emotional attachment makes the BIGGEST difference in how good sex is.

My first time it hurt a little (and he was gentle).. and I had some red on my undies the next day... but no big. ( a little sore for that day ).. but nothing too bad.

Mike and I have great sex, though... and it gets better the longer we are together.

**pretty polly** · 12-14-2005, 10:05 AM

I have to agree with Tayda. The emotional side to it is extremely
important. If you are not sexually attracted to your friend then it
strikes me that it could well be slightly awkward for you. Sex is as
much about the mind as it is about the act, in my opinion...
The first 3 or 4 times were pretty uncomfortable for me, but the
more you do it the easier it becomes...probably not much help to you
Monica - it would be quite hard to judge from doing it just once!!!
Good luck - don't do anything I wouldn't do!!!!!

**hippychick** · 12-14-2005, 11:14 AM

Hehe good questions Charlene. For me, I would kiss guys and it just wouldn't....click, it felt weird, not natural but the first time I kissed a woman it hit me fullon like BAM thats exactly what I wanted and how I wanted it to be. Being with a woman is very soft, very sensual. It is very intimate, I can't compare it to beign with a guy as I have never slept with a man though I have fooled around it just doesn't compare.

I would never sleep with a man, actually never say never right? I'm not close minded, if I met a man who I completelywas attracted to or fell in love with then I possibly would and I don't deny that that could happen, but I'm not going to sleep with one just to validate my feelings as a lesbian. I can understand you being curious but having sex with a friend can sometimes be a very bad idea if you want that friendship to remain in tact afterward. Especially if the man in question gets hurt that he couldn't convert you. I mean imagine how the poor guy is gonna feel if he sleeps with you, you are totally not into it and decide yup you are 100% gay. ego bruise! And for a friendship that could really suck.

For me the reason it never felt right with a guy is I never got emotionally involved with one, but as soon as I was emotionally involved with a woman i knew it was right for me, and I couldn't compare that with anything.

**swiftette** · 12-14-2005, 01:16 PM

I don't know-my first boyfriend was HUGE and we used lubrication and it did'nt hurt at all. I just worry about your emotions with all that goes along with sexual intimacy with a man. I would'nt want you to be freaked out afterwards. If you do-make sure it's with a man who you trust and who understands you. Also make sure he USES A CONDOM!

**shiva** · 12-14-2005, 02:29 PM

My friend who is going through the same thing said that this time around she is going to have more foreplay ahead of time with the guy so that she will be more into it. So, I guess that would be my suggestion. The guy that she has been experimenting with is a friend she's had for years. They went out in college before she came out. She never had sex with him before, she just lost her virginity to him last year about this time. Anyway.. They have remained great friends. She just made sure that ahead of time he understood exactly what it was that she wanted out of this.

So, as far as hurting.. I guess it does a little. California girl is right about being emotionally invested in the situation, though. I can't help but think you will be kinda uptight and nervous about it considering the situation. I think this is why my friend is doing it again with her friend this year when he visits. She said that it hurt last time and it wasn't very enjoyable. She wants to make sure that she at least has one time with a penis and have it be fun, I guess. I dunno.. I think it's just kinda funny. I feel more comfortable having her talk to me about her lesbian sex life than trying to do the traditional thing. But, hey... we only live once and regrets suck. Especially regrets over things we didn't do.

**samara's on tv** · 12-14-2005, 05:28 PM

Thanks for the responses guys! I've had boyfriends before and I've kissed guys before but that's about it. I was never really interested in fooling around with one. When it comes to women I just can't get enough of them. I've only had like 2 girlfriendsin my life but it felt so much more RIGHT to be with them then it did to be with a guy. I guess that I don't know WHY I want to sleep with a guy, I just feel like I don't want to disappoint my parents. My mom and dad already know that I don't like men, but both of my sisters do and they are going to move on to get married and have kids and I'll be stuck behind them. I have this weird drive to be like my one sister (Liz) because in my eyes she's nearly perfect. I don't know anymore, I'm so CONFUSED!

~Monica

**tayda** · 12-14-2005, 05:41 PM

Samara,

I think everybody is a little like that. You are definitely not alone. Fortunately in our generation, it is a little easier to "come out to people". Think of the generations before-hand.

I had an uncle who was gay and contracted HIV... he died when I was about 11. It was terrible to hear what some of the older members of the family would say about him... and some "disowned" him. HOwever, I never really cared... didn't understand I guess... (boys were icky then..lol... well i was starting to get a liking)

Anyways, my point is that... my aunt has gay freinds, my mom had them, I have them, my sister does....

and they all "feel different as far as fitting in w/ their siblings"... but none of us care... obviously there are always going to be jerky bone-heads who bash homosexuals.... but hey... everyone deserves to be w/ the one they love.

SOmeday you may get married also

and have your own family. But you're still young.. so don't worry about that...

I just wanted to say that you aren't alone in your feelings.. but don't try to be somebody that you aren't... they;re your family.. and will love and accept you as YOU are.

**crazybeautiful** · 12-14-2005, 07:57 PM

Originally Posted by crystalmom

Honestly...gay or straight, penis' are ugly. I mean, really! Full of viens, and hang around, doing virtually nothing... don't even get me started on testicles.... LMAO!

I don't like looking at them either. Nasty buggers...so, don't worry, you are not the only one who thinks they are yucky....and I am hetero.

Crystal

HAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA. I just had to say that made me laugh so hard. lol.

I'm going to agree with most of the posts here, it hurt for me and still hurts sometimes. But it completely depends on your body, none of us are exactly the same.

***mandi*** · 12-14-2005, 09:17 PM

Hmm...I dont really remember it hurting much at all. I guess I enjoyed it too much!

But in all honesty....I dont think the friend thing will work....I slept with a male friend before..and it just ruined everything. We dont even talk anymore. Make sure its with someone you trust. And as always use protection.

**Babydoll** · 12-15-2005, 04:48 AM

lol yea penis's do look funny. personally I had an ecounter with a girl once, and loved it.. I think I'm proobably bi sexual, get the best of both worlds!!

as for sex, I dont think you need to do it. You know in your heart how you feel, and one sex encounter I dont think will change anything ( your not missing much, its not its cracked up to be)

**japa** · 12-15-2005, 06:53 AM

Well, since people are usually not sexually attracted to friends, I don't think that sleeping with a male friend will tell you anything about whether you can enjoy sex with a man. I would think that you would have to feel an attraction first before you can enjoy the sex. Well, that's how it works for me.

It sounds like you are feeling pressure due to the heterosexual bias in our society. It sounds like you feel pressure to one day marry a man and have children with him because of family expectations and because of competition with your sisters. Yet, you know that you feel sexually attracted to women.

Think about the opposite situation. Do your heterosexual sisters believe that they have to have sex with a woman once in order to make sure that they are really heterosexual? I would speculate that the answer is, "no," because since they are heterosexual, they know that they fall easily into society's norms and can conform to your/their parents' expectations of marriage and children. So, there is no pressure to "be sure" that they are heterosexual or to "be sure" that they cannot enjoy sex with women.

I think that you know the answer to your sexual orientation, and you don't owe it to anyone to test out the opposite sex.

But of course, if you really feel that you must, then go for it. It just saddens me to think that you would feel pressure that heterosexuals don't.

**Babydoll** · 12-15-2005, 12:35 PM

japa, you make an excellent point. I wish I was as good with words! I agree that the attraction must be there and that I think you already know the answer to your question.

**hippychick** · 12-15-2005, 12:45 PM

I think that sexuality is forever changing and maybe one day you will be attracted to and want to sleep with a guy and on that day will it be right but trying to force something that should not be forced and cannot be changed is a sure-fire way to get miserable. You don't need to be like anybody else and you don't need to prove a point about who you are. I often get asked that if I haven't slept with a guy how do I know I would not like it which is absurd since I haven't slept with a guy because I didn't want it, it wasn't right for me which is clue #1 that I am gay. I do feel the pressure sometimes to prove who I am to other people when really I shouldn't it's not their business. I understand you not wanting to disappoint your parents, but surely they would want you to be happy rather than miserable? And just because you are gay does not mean you cannot get married or have kids (though you may have to move to Canada for the marrying bit since Old George W doesn't seem to thrilled hhe)

**kats** · 12-15-2005, 04:42 PM

Heya,

I thought I would put in my two cents. I work as a sexual health
advisor in my university and I get the question does it hurt quite a
bit! First of all, you have to use lube because I would
imagine that you are not sexually aroused by your friend and therefore
would not be producing normal lubricants which make sex easier. I
have to use lube everytime I have sex because a medication I am on for
OCD means that I don't get (and excuse the term) "horny", so I don't
produce natural lubricants. Having said that, I still really
enjoy being with a man because I like the closeness, but frankly if he
just held me really close I would be fine with that but anyways....

It hurt me the first time but that was for many reasons.....
1. I had never used a tampon or anything else so I was all
tight. I was also really really really nervous and uncomfortable
so I was naturally clenching. 2. He was really big!!!
3. I didn't use lube and since I don't get turned on per say,
there was a lot of friction.

However, then my second experience was with this guy I was really
attracted to and had really great sex with him, however I think I would
have to agree with what everyone is saying above about the emotional
attraction.. BE CAREFUL!!! We had decided it wouldn't be anything
serious and ended up sleeping together the whole summer and I fell
madly in love with him and couldnt handle just having a physical
relationship, even though it just started out as a physical
attraction. i got really hurt because all he wanted was sex and
it was not his fault because he had told me at the beginning. But
anyways, you might feel something afterwards so be prepared for
that!

Also, don't feel you have to have sex with a man just because you think
you should. There is nothing wrong with having never had a penis
in you (and quite frankly they are ugly as everyone says!). You
should just do what you feel most comfortable with and never let anyone
pressure you.

And finally, as a sexual health advisor.... wear a condom and make sure
he doesn't linger inside of you....(the condom will fall off).

Take care,

Kats

**raindrop** · 12-16-2005, 01:20 AM

I'm a lesbian too, and I've never had sex with a guy. I
have used a dildo (scuse me if this is too much information lol!) and
it was a similar size to a penis. Repeating other people - lots
of lube, and lots of foreplay. If it's right, you should be
gagging for it to go in. Then it won't hurt so much. Now,
when I use a dildo during sex, it's a choice, I want to, I like the
feeling... but I still have to take it really slowly, and carefully
with my partner or it hurts. So, if you're trying to do it when
you don't REALLY want to have penetrative sex, and you're nervous, then
I can't see how it's not going to hurt, to be honest. I had a
friend who bled copiously, because she was too embarrassed to tell her
bf not to "pump her" so vigorously. She had very bad internal
bleeding. So make sure you take it slow, communicate, listen to
your body.

I'm semi-sexually attracted to guys, but I would never sleep with one
or have a r'ship with one, because I'm not heterosexual. It just
wouldn't feel right. It sounds like this is an attempt to "fix"
yourself, rather than rule out the possibility that you're
heterosexual. It just doesn't work like that. Sexuality is
defined by SO much more than who or what turns you on, it's all about
your emotions and feelings, and who you are. I hate that so many
people think that being gay/queer is always about sex (not that anybody
here has!). It really isn't. If I were you, I'd focus on
being comfortable with who you are, rather than who you might want to
be, or who you think you should be.

To answer californiagirl, being with a woman (in my opinion, and
experience) is amazing. Yes, they smell good, they're soft, it's
intimate, and the sex is generally quite selfless. And it's total
normal for heterosexual people to have fantasies occasionally about the
same sex.

**californiagirl** · 12-16-2005, 02:17 AM

Originally Posted by raindrop

To answer californiagirl, being with a woman (in my opinion, and experience) is amazing. Yes, they smell good, they're soft, it's intimate, and the sex is generally quite selfless. And it's total normal for heterosexual people to have fantasies occasionally about the same sex.

The thing is, is that I wanna experience it at least ONCE, but I'm married. I don't know what to do.[img]smileys/smilies_12.gif[/img]

**Babydoll** · 12-16-2005, 05:50 PM

Originally Posted by tayda

I think your level of emotional attachment makes the BIGGEST difference in how good sex is.

.

I don't know about that... Ive had some amazing ex sex.. where there were no more feelings but just horniness, lol. And, when I think about being with a girl, its purely sexual, I would have no emotional attatchment whatsoever. I would never want a relationship with a woman, as odd as that sounds, more like a playmate!I agree that emotions help, but I dont think they always need to be there.. okay, Ive said too much!! lol! ( by the way, it was awesome, and I'd totally do it again, if my boyfriend were open to the idea)Edited by: Babydoll

**samara's on tv** · 12-16-2005, 06:06 PM

CaliforniaGirl- If you want, and it's okay with hubby, I'll come out there and play around with you [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img], you're hot.

Anyway, I was talking to my sister and she said that the only reason why women become lesbians is because they have had a bad expereince with men, or they just hate men all together because they some how come to the conclusion that all men are Jerks. She claims that if I DIDN'T have such a bad expereince with a man (And I've had Several) Then I wouldn't be a lesbian. Does anyone else think this is a load of Bull? I mean I can remember having thoughts about women even BEFORE my bad expereinces with men...and let me tell you some REALLY bad things have happened to me because of a guy.

~Monica

**hippychick** · 12-16-2005, 06:12 PM

That is a bunch of crap, I remember having a crush on the girl next door when I was 8 and I had no bad experiences with men before or after that age and I know many lesbians who would refute that theory too. And even, on the slight minute chance that what your sister says is right, what is so awful about finding happiness and love with someone who makes you feel comfortable and sexy like the women you have dated in the past. I hate this bulls*** whereby we have to explain WHY we are gay, I don't ask my straight friends why they are that way. Maybe you'll find love with a guy, maybe you'll find it with a girl, whatever makes you happy in life but don't do things you are not happy with to prove a point to others or to yourself.

**Babydoll** · 12-16-2005, 06:22 PM

I think people question it because evolutionarily speaking, it doesnt make much sence, because procreation isn't a possible outcome between gay people. so in that sence, it is different than being heterosexual. but, who cares!!!! I mean really! no one should have to explain why the way they are.

always remember that people who can't accept your sexuality are ignorant, and I feel sorry for them.

and besides, its their loss. they are soooooo normal, and boring!! who would ever want to be like that?

**californiagirl** · 12-16-2005, 08:02 PM

Originally Posted by samara's on tv

CaliforniaGirl- If you want, and it's okay with hubby, I'll come out there and play around with you [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img], you're hot.

I'm sure you could teach me a thing or two!!

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