Hi, I am new here and I need help

[nsoroma79]

Hi, my name is Lorrie, I am 26 and I am new here. I have been an emet for years now. I haven't been s* in over 20 years.... although I feel like it will happen everyday. I have been married for 4 years to wonderful man (he is understanding of my phobia, but it is getting harder and harder for him to deal with as I am getting worse.) I have 2 children 3 and 6.... and that is very hard on me. I don't get too close to my kids for fear that they are harvesting germs or that they could get sick at any moment. I had this fear when I was 10, and it stayed with me for 2 years. I didn't eat, I lived on TUMS and pepto and I almost ended up in the hospital. Finally after my mom threatened to put me in the hospital I forced myself to come out of it.


I did fine for years... I even dealt with a few instantces of my kids getting s* - ON ME! Other times I ran away from it.... but last November it came back FULL FORCE. My daughter got very ill and I locked myself in my room for 2 days with the windows wide open. Since then, I have been dealing with upset stomach and n* everyday!!! I have been on stomach meds, anti-depressants (which made it worse, because of the side effects. I would feel n* from them and get even more depressed.) I have tried hypnotherapy and we made some headways..... but I am right back to square one again.


I wanted to share a post that I made in my own journal... it says alot about what I am going through right now.


I posted this in my emetophobia community:

"Is anyone else at the point with this stupid fear that they just want to give up?

The fear is getting worse and worse for me.... I am now down to 117lbs.... I just lost anoth 3 pounds in one week. I still don't eat much, I am constantly s* in the stomach, I don't like to go anywhere, and I am so beyond depressed right now, that I just want to give up! I can't stand living like this anymore. I think to myself, "Is living like this everyday for the rest of my life worth it?" I'd rather not be around to live like this anymore.

It has gotten so bad that the other day (with all the stress I am going through right now + this fear on top of it) that I wanted to end my life. The only good thing about my fear, is that it saved my life. I thought to myself that I would just take a whole bunch of pills and that would be that.... then I got to thinking that just my luck, I wouldn't die.... I would just end up v* and that would be hell! So I decided against it.

I just can't deal with this anymore. It's affecting my life big time. It is affecting my marriage, my relationship with my kids, friends, family etc etc. On top of making me depressed. I talked to my therapist about it, and she says she wants me to keep a journal on the days that I don't think about the fear, the days that I am not feeling s* or hopeless about the emet. (because I do have good days where I function like a normal human being.... but I get upset that the feeling doesn't last) Then we can see what happens on those days that prevents me from having "episodes". That is all fine and dandy.... but how the hell does that get rid of the fear?

I am at witts end and I am willing to do ANYTHING, see any therapist, or pay amount of money to get this gone for good! My husband thinks that I just need to make myself v* to see that it's not so bad. But that doesn't always work.... there are people who still do it and still have the fear.

I just can't live like this anymore. "


These past few days have just been horrible! I am so stressed and depressed that I just don't know what to do. The main thing that depresses me is thisrediculous fear! I don't want to live like this anymore.... it's a s***ty thing to wake up everyday and be petrified. I just want to function like a normal human being. I want to eat, and be happy.... I want to go out and do things without worrying if I am going to get sick... I want to be able to kiss and cuddle

[babygap5]

Welcome Lorrie. No need to apologize for the long post, we've all had them. This site has a great group of people who can really lend support when you need it most. Feel free to vent any time you want.

[gubba]

Lorrie...I would swear that i had written that post as well, but I do not want to die. I want to live and make this fear go away. I am going to fight it and make my life better. I have a son and I love him dearly. There is not a day that goes by that I do not worry about him being sick. I hate when he coughs or eats too much or runs too much or anything that could make him V*. He has a sensitive gag reflex and he V*'s a lot. He has a small cough today and I do know that this makes for a night of V* since he does V* when he coughs too much. I get so scared that I panic and let myhusband do as much as possible. I left the windows open the last time he was sick and it was 40 degrees outside. yes...it is awful and I also don't get too close to his face ever and I wash my hands constantly and I hate that I am so weird. All that said, I love the fact that I have a fabulous husband and a son that means the world to me. Yes, I admit that I could be more calm with him is I did not have this phobia, but I adore him and that is one big reason for you to want to live. You have 2 kids that will grow up one day and you must want to know what they will turn in to. I want so much to see my son develop into a great person and I will be able to say i played a role in that. I hate being so fearful all the time and I have never had meds for it or even been to therapy. I know it would maybe help, but I want instant gratification and I can't get that from someone who listens to me and trys to understand something so bizarre. How can anyone ever understand this freakish thing we have when we live it daily and we can't explain it???


Please know that there are so many of us here and we will always listen and be here for you. i have found so much support here and finally knowing that others felt that same way I did, really did help me feel more not alone and scared.

[suze]

Hi Lorrie, welcome to the site. It made me sad to read your post, because you seem so sad. Everything you feel is perfectly normal for an emet, you're not going crazy mad, you have a very powerful fear that at times can consume us totally and pervade every aspect of our lives. And because it can be so debilitating, it can make us all feel very depressed. I'm wondering if some of our US friends can recommend other medication with fewer side effects - I'm in the UK and the drugs are different here.


Please don't ever think your kids would be better off without you - you're their mom and they love you, unconditionally.At their age, you are everything to them- you may not always feel it, they may not show it much, but believe me, you are the centre of their little worlds. If your kids seem happy and normal, then you're doing a fantastic job.


I've not delved into the treatments section of this site, but many recommend to look at it. Give it a go, take the bull by the horns and explore new ways to cope with this horrible phobia and life itself. I guess there's no miracle cure but many of us here have learned to live, what seem to others, normal lives.


You will have good days and bad days but remember you've got friends here who care and understand. Keep your chin up, you're worth so much more than this sh***y phobia. Suze xx

[angel13]

Lorrie, I was nodding my headall the way through reading your post - I totally know how you feel! Just want you to know that this is the place to be - there are so many lovely, understandingpeople on here, so anytime you feel like a rant, or something is bothering you, know that you can always come here to get things off your chest.


See you around, hopefully!

[tanyarn]

Hi Lori. I' am also new here. I sympathize with you. I know exactly how you are feeling and what a relief to know other people feel the way I do. At this point, I really can not offer any advice as I too am looking for someone or something to help me or give me some advice.. Hope to talk to you again. In the meantime, please try to relax and if you seriously feel like hurting yourself go to the ER. You have children, as I do, and they need us as does your husband. Take care.[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[angelbeeds]

I am 35 and have 4 children and have suffered with this my whole life also. I have tried almost everything to make it go away and nothing really helps for long. As soon as one of my kids feels sick it starts all over again. Every health problem I have had C-section to a heart attack (caused by a spasm) I didn't care about anything, not pain, not maybe death, all I worried about was will I feel sick after this? I do have periods of time when I am doing ok, and it helps to remind myself that this is just a feeling. It is like someone being afriad to go outside because they are afraid of birds. But that all goes out the window once someone I know has to throw up. People used to think I was anorexic, but I was afraid to eat food because I could only think about what if I throw this up. I NEVER eat in a resturaunt, I wait until I get home or my mind runs away with the thoughts of food poisioning! I have said my whole life, if I could just not be afraid of this my life would be perfect! My advice to you if you have panic attacks and constant stress, try to find some way to get some control of it. I had a heart attack this summer that was caused by a spasm, and I am pretty sure my constant anxiety had alot to do with this condition. The heart thing really put things into perspective for a while , but now 6 months later my fear is here again..YUCK

[pretty polly]

You know it really does take something major like a heart attack or
serious illness to put things into perspective, doesn't it?
I find if I've watched a really powerful film or documentary on people
suffering with terminal illness, I sit there and think to myself, "and
I'm terrified of a stupid SV"! How ridiculous!! I try and remind myself
of these things when I am panicking about something emet related!!

[mjewell]

Hi Lorrie -


I swear everyone on here is going to start thinking I'm a drug pusher, but I cannot gush about depression and anxiety meds enough. Have you ever been to a doctor for anxiety and depression? I really think you would benefit from an anti-anxiety med or depression med - even if only for a while. Once the anxiety overtakes your life I think you needa push in the right direction with the help of meds. There are a lot of good ones out there that can help you get back on your feet again.

[nsoroma79]

Hi Lorrie -


I swear everyone on here is going to start thinking I'm a drug pusher, but I cannot gush about depression and anxiety meds enough. Have you ever been to a doctor for anxiety and depression? I really think you would benefit from an anti-anxiety med or depression med - even if only for a while. Once the anxiety overtakes your life I think you needa push in the right direction with the help of meds. There are a lot of good ones out there that can help you get back on your feet again.

One therapist labeled me as bi-polar... another said I was just over anxious. Another said depression - severe depression.... which is the direction I most believe. Right now, my life is very trying. It has been for over a year now... and my emet kicked back into high gear when my world came crashing down last November... so I am sure it has alot to do with that.


I was on 3 different meds. Wellbutrin XL really made me worry about death and dying. I couldn't stop thinkning about it. I would actually zone out, and I did one time while driving and I almost crashed. So, I got off of it. Then I tried Lamictal and that caused me to obessively consider hurting myself. I would think about all different ways to commit suicide and I even had to call someone to come sit with me so I wouldn't jam my hand in the garbage disposal! So, I got off that. ThenI tried Effexor and it made me so sick in the stomach that I stopped eating and it only made the n* worse! I also took Depakote ER fro over a year... and I stopped that because I thought it was the root of my stomach aches. So I haven't been on meds for about 4 months or so.


I am so afraid to go on meds because I am so afraid that I will get sick on them. It's a horrible cycle!Edited by: nsoroma79

[*mandi*]

Your notebook entry looks like a page right out of mine! Seriosuly. all I write about almost everyday is about how I am soo tired of living my life like this. On how much weight Im losing b.c. Im never hungry at all. All the "why cant this and that"..So I know how you feel hun and I sympathise you. I wish I had words of encouragement for you...but Im going through the same battle as you.


Im afraid to eat b.c. Ill think it will make me V*. I dont really leave the house much. I just want to be able to eat and feel ok and be happy...ya know? I know that feeling and its horrible! I am Way underweight and it scares me! I dont want to die from this! I also think about being sick during sex and it ruins everything. I usally have to make up some excuse to get it done quicker. I feel so ashamed. I also have absolutely no self esteem whatsoever b.c. i look too skinny and gross. I hate it. Its a horrible thing to go through.


I wish there was something I could say to encourage you. I know what it feels like to have no motivation to do anything. I use to be stuck in a slump like that. Thats when I started reading books. It took my mind off of things. I actually like to clean my house b.c. it also takes my mind off of things.


About the medication and therapy,,,,maybe you should talk to your doctor/therapist about another medication that wont make you feel so sick. I took Paxil for a while. And yes the first 2 wweeks I took it it made me a little Nauseas. But was told to take it before bed and gradually take it during the day. It didnt make me feel sick after my body adjusted to it. Or maybe he/she can start you off on a lower does and gradually increase it.


All of us here know what you are going through..and if you ever need to talk Im here for ya...b.c. I can say I feel the same way as you. Everything you described...describes me. Hope you feel better soon.

[silver]

When I was taking paxil cr, it really helped me to chill out. I was having bad anxiety about other things like work (I was in a horrible environment at the time) It helped my stomach soooo much, I never felt nausuous anymore and it really helped my IBS. When I was taking it, other people would be sick and v* around me and it didn't bother me at all. It was really good for me at the time to be on it. Unfortunately, it does have its side affects like I had no emotion on it what so ever and no sex drive. I feel strong enough now to fight this, but it was a wonderful thing to have when I needed it the most.


I guess that I have finally come to the point in my life where I am so darn tired of being this way that I have finally made up my mind to let it go. Its so hard though, I have my good days and my bad with it. I have decided for myself that it is ridiculous to fear something that happens to me once every 12 years. Thats what my rational mind says anyways. I think that people like us, our biggest problem isnt the fear, its the fact that our minds are so strong that we have built this up to what it is.

[liriodendron]

One therapist labeled me as bi-polar... another
said I was just over anxious. Another said depression - severe
depression.... which is the direction I most believe. Right now,
my life is very trying. It has been for over a year now... and my
emet kicked back into high gear when my world came crashing down last
November... so I am sure it has alot to do with that.

Never did it cross their mind, it just might be a phobia? I didn't
read the whole thread but this is precisely the reason I am not a fan
of the mental health industry. They nag at you to talk for the whole
hour but don't listen to a word of it.

I am so afraid to go on meds because I am so afraid that I will get sick on them. It's a horrible cycle!

One time, at the height of my phobia, my parents dragged me off to a
shrink insisting that I needed medication. And they had diagnosed my
problem in their mind as being OCD. The shrink was happy to prescribe
some medication. I refused to take the medication because it wasn't the
shrink that diagnosed the problem after 15 minutes of talking to me, it
was my parents. Some years later, I had a solid career, and many other
successes and I turned out just fine without medication. Turned on the
TV one day and there was a special on the news that the medication my
parents wanted me to take so badly had been banned for really harming a
lot of people. Lots and lots of lawsuits.



I don't know what specifically your problems are, forgive me for not
reading everything, but all I'd like to say is you can improve your
lifestyle and become happy without meds. How did we ever evolve from
apes and cavemen without mental health meds?



That's not to say they aren't for every single person and they may help
certain conditions, sure but our society is overmedicated and too lazy
to get their butts without it. And what's going to happen when you
eventually get off the meds? Not for me. No thanks.

[gubba]

I have never taken meds for this either for fear of what they would do to me and this phobia, yes it does make a mess of things, but it is not ruining my life. I am so fearful of V*,not just my own, of anyones and I panic a lot, but at the same time, I keep perspective that it hardly ever happens and I can worry daily, but also know that chances are slim that it will happen. I can't drug myself for fear of something that happens every 12-20 years.


I do think that drugs are necessary for some especially if you are afraid to leave home or eat, but I do all those things and I do try to live a normal life even if it is always a thought in my head about V*. That part is not normal, but when I mention it to my physician, she says I can take anti- anxiety drugs or try to manage it on my own. I chose my own management...I want to be stronger than the EMET and I was fearful that the drugs would do more harm to the rest of me.

[angelbeeds]

More than one Dr. has told me that no medication will fix this problem. It is all in the way your brain has been taught to think since childhood. There is no way but facing the fear and trying to cope the best you can at the momment. No medication or natural herb or mail order anxiety tapes will help long term. I was told to use the coping skills that work for me during rough times, and just live with the fact that it is just a feeling and it will pass. Hows that for anti-depression?

[liriodendron]

It's kind of like using gloves to sign on the electronic pen pad. It
might make you comfortable for while, but's it's not going to solve the
problem in the long term.



A band aid solution as some would say.



That's just my opinion.

[redapple]

welcome to the site. i think suze said it perfectly: you're not
going crazy mad. there are thousands of us on this site and who
knows how many more that just haven't found it yet. we are the
lucky ones who did. and no one thinks you're looking for a pity
party, this is what we're here for.

[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]



try and remember that even your strangest and most scary thoughts are
likely duplicated in the minds of many people here, and i hope you find
comfort.