I CAN’T DO THIS!

[mistyeyes]

My sister, who does nothing but criticize me, just called and told me that I am going to have to take care of my mom when she gets out of the hospital. Yes, I live with my folks, but that is because I am on disability and in therapy because of fears like this one. My dad is 78 years old, and my mom is 66, so this gall bladder removal was a fairly serious surgery.


Well, my sister says that when my mother gets home, I will have to make sure she eats right, wash her clothes and bedlinens, etc. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WHEN I CAN'T DEAL WITH MYSELF? I have barely eaten in the last 4 days because of my phobia of sick people. I am too scared to go near my mother and and any of her stuff?


I don't know what to do. Right now I just want to die.

[rubysoho120]

You need to take control and make sure that you mom is okay. That is the important thing, sometimes you have to let responsibilty take over. Good luck. You love your mom, and you want her to be okay.

[sheri-baby]

What does your sister do? Is there anyway she could help you?

[mistyeyes]

No, there is no way my sister can help me. My family does NOTHING to help me through this phobia. They just tell me to get over it and criticize, criticize, criticize. They won't sit with me, and talk it out with me, and be by my side when I have to approach something like this. I think I could do it if someone was right by me at first, sort of like my protection if something goes wrong.


Unfortunately, I have to build up a trust with someone to feel safe with them, and I don't have the trust with any of my family members. I would feel safe with my boyfriend by my side, but he lives about two hours away, which is too far to help in something like this.

[gubba]

To begin with, let me say that I had my gallbladder out and it was routine surgery, but you must know that your mom will need you. I had to come home to a 7 week old baby that I had just had and mu husband had to be at work the next day, so I was all alone taking care of an infant. Your mom will be able to do things and if not, you can't catch anything from her. I know that this EMET thing is awful, trust me...but if you keep in mind that if she has V*'d it is not anything that you will do. The gallbladder is very tricky and it causes a lot of stomach issues, but hers should be over. Please try and relax and help her...she really may need you and it is not that bad.


Finally, I hate that anyone critisizes you for having a fear of anything. We truly cannot help this and I know for some it is very severe and it can almost seem like it takes over your life...DON'T LET IT!! We are strong humans and this fear is a thought that controls us. We are bigger than it and we can handle it. We must try to get a grip on it so that it doesn't drag us under and if you help your mom and get past it in a few weeks, you will be so proud of how far you have come.


Good luck and I hope she is better too. You will be fine!!!!

[gubba]

What part of the US are you in?

[mistyeyes]

Thank you for your response, gubba.


Too bad you are not my sister. I am sure if you were, I would be dealing with this much better than I am now. [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]The problem is the criticism doesn't help me, just makes it worse. And the fact is, I can only do the best that I can do. I need to measure up toMY standards, not my sister's. It would just be nice to have a sister that would say "Hey, I know this will be a tough time for you, sis. Let me know if you need help."

[mistyeyes]

What part of the US are you in?

Florida, on the west coast about 2 hours north of St. Pete

[liriodendron]

Have you considered hiring a nurse or cleaning lady? It's not like
they'd need to be full time and maybe if you see what's entailed when
they do it, you'll gain some confidence in doing it yourself.

[mistyeyes]

Yes, my sister suggested that, but in her usual condescending manner. She said "Then we will have to hire a cleaning lady, and when she sees you, she will look at you and think 'What's the matter with her? Why can't SHE take care of her own mother?'"


When I get criticized about my phobia, it makes the fear worse, and it also makes me angry. I guess it's that whole "fight or flight" response kicking in. She attacks, and my immediate response is to attack her back, but it also exacerbates my anxiety.

[gubba]

I'm in Tennessee and I would love to be your sister if I was closer. I hate that anyone is making this so difficult for you. A cleaning person is not going to wonder what is wrong with you...they get paid and they do what they doa nd get out. A nurse does the same...that is their job and they don't wonder why someone else is not doing it. You sister needs to understand that you are not a nurse, or a cleaning person and you can only do what you cn do. Yes it would be ideal if you could do this, but if you can't, you can't!!!


I bet if you saw that you could handle this, you would be great at it and you could get past this...not past being an EMET...that would be nice, but past worry about it in this case. Your mom will be fine and so will you no matter what happens. You can do this and I know that you can. If you can't, you can call someone to help and they CAN do it. The call you make is doing the job as well since you are taking it upon yourself to get the job done. Either way, be happy and know that you are doing your best. You are stronger than you think and I have learned that from myself. I have been this EMET way my whole life and I hate what it does to me at times and I know I only get one chance to live, so I try to live. Knwo that your mom has taken care of you for your life and you can do it for a few days. I do so wish I could help you[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[crystalmom]

Maybe I'm completely out of line here...but your sister sounds like a class A BAG! I mean, who does she think she is talking to you in that way! She is obviously self-absorbed, b/c she can't see past herself, to see her mom and her sister need help and guidance! (Sorry if that is totally out of line, but that made me mad!)


As for taking care of your mom, maybe this is your chance to get yourself past some of your own fears. She needs you, and I am sure you want to help, it's just feels like too much. Remeber that you cannot "catch" this, and cleaning her and her bedsheets are not going to cause you to be ill. It just might help you.


If i start to get anxious (when at home), I start to clean, do laundry, change beds, clean toys. Takes my mind off the anxiety, and passes the time HUGE!


You can do this (BIG HUG)!!!


Crystal

[tcsarah]

I'm with Crystal - your sister's attitude is just not on, what a horrid way to talk to you and how very unsympathetic and coldshe sounds (sorry I don't mean to offend, i know she's your sister but, sheesh, she ought to support you more as you have an illness and are very incapacitated by it.)


Please do not let your family's attitude towards your illness ie by dismissing it and telling you to 'get over it', make you feel guilty, belittled or bad in any way, you can not help the way you feel. I have been in similar situations when suffering with depression and anxiety and some members of my family have said 'come on pull yourself together' - don't they think we'd like nothing more than to be able to just snap our fingers and be ok?! As if we like feeling like this! Basically this attitude is when people are ignorant and don't understand what you are going through. I was lucky to have a big support from my dad through my lowest times as he had suffered with his nerves when he wasyounger so knewsome ofwhat I was going through.


Please know that you have the support of many people here, who can totally empathize and give encouragement. Take everyday as it comes and come here and write about how you are feeling and what your worries are - I think it will help. See how things go, if you are find things just too difficult to cope with hire somebody to help, but I think you will cope and you'll come out the other side feeling that bit stronger.


Take care.


Tracey

[mistyeyes]

Thanks for your support, Crystal and Tracey. My therapist has told me, and I understand this as well, that my sister deals with her own anxieties by trying to control other people. The best way for me to deal with my sister is to NOT LET her control me. The fact is, she can't make me feel any more guilty than I make myself feel guilty. I wish she could understand that, but I can't MAKE her understand it. She needs to recognize her own faults. She does make me extremely angry, but I have to learn not to let her effect me. I have to be in control of my own life. It's hard, but I did have a little triumph today. (see my post in Triumphs and Pitfalls [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img])


You people are truly wonderful. So is my boyfriend, who is trying to help me to say "I can" rather than "I can't."Edited by: mistyeyes