Im so ashamed I don’t deserve...

[swiftette]

...to be a mom. Today is my birthday. Things were going okay.I usually get very depressed on my birthday. My freind even called and said her dad had a virus that she had to go over and "help" him. I did'nt even ask questions(obsess)which I promised myself I would'nt do this year-just live under the rule of "what you don't know won't hurt you".I let it go and enjoyed the day. My youngest (6 1/2 )came out of school today with this story-She went to the bathroom and her freind that she sits with in class was in there and she thought she was spitting. Her friend opened the door of the stall that she just v*ed in,come to find out, and my daughter sat down and went pee! With all those germs in there! I even phoned her teacher because it's so hard to get a straight answer from my youngest and she was unsure what went on but did say the little girl was sent to the nurse because she had a v* taste in her mouth.Untill this day, I promised myself I would be more careful to not panic my kids and I only ask them to wash their hands after the toilet and after school(or if we're eating out I make them use hand foam). I got to the car and totally freaked out! I started yelling at her to tell my everything that happened, if she's sure she was really sick, ect. and I made her take a bath when we got home. I went in my room and called my mother and just totally lost it !I just went on and on that I don't feel like I was meant to be a mom because I can't handle situations like this and why would my daughter do something so stupid!!!I don't know if my daughter heard any of my conversation but at the time, I did'nt even care.I sent my daughter over there for the rest of the day- now I just feel like she is contaminated. I have plans this weekend and my freind is coming from The UK to visit me next week and now I'm just SURE everything will be spoiled with an sv* in the house. I'm not going to be able to eat or sleep. And my ulcer has already been so bad lately. Sometimes I wish I were dead. And thats AFTER being on xanax and in therapy, and I've had hypnosis. I just want to give up.I don't think I have this phobia anymore. I think IT has ME. I'm so sorry to have entered this long post but I need to get it of my chest. My husband-I can't talk to him. My mom already thinks I'm nuts I think. I'm just so ashamed of myself-I never meant to be like this!

[liriodendron]

You know what. I don't know what to say except everyone has bad days.
Especially on their birthday. I'm sure others just look at it as a bad
birthday thing. You're having an emotionally critical day!



And I call the rule "What you don't know, won't BOTHER you" because we
all know it can hurt you. And I find myself thinking about that rule a
lot. [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]

Cheer up buttercup.

[rileyl]

Swiftette - Please try to be kind to yourself. I have done many things to my kids because of this phobia for which I am very ashamed too. I have so much guilt about not being able to nuture them when they have a sv. Try to remember all the things you do RIGHT as their parent. For me, it really just it this one thing - v'g - and really just sv's - that I cannot handle. (Well, I do handle it, I am just completely panicking when I do.)


On a practical note, what happened to your daughter does not guarantee that she will catch a sv from this other girl. My son was sitting right next to a girl who v'din computer class, and I thought for sure he would get sick, but he didn't. Of course, the uncertainty is part of what makes this phobia so hard. Anyway, let us know how you are. Remember, you are only human, and one who is struggling with a phobia.

[tayda]

Don't be so down on yourself. 'Dendron and Riley' are right.


I've read a lot of your posts, and you are a great person AND MOTHER! You just had a bad day. Go to bed, relax, and look forward to having a good day tomrrow

[shiva]

Seriously, please don't be so hard on yourself. So.. you had a BAD day and you slipped on the promise you made yourself and you freaked out at your kid and you're upset with yourself.. Just let it go and pick yourself up and move on.


I understand the feelings you are going through, trust me. But, you cannot beat yourself up and you just simply must go on. Things will return to "normal" in no time. So what, you slipped up. Give yourself a few days to return to normal and then go on with life as you did before. It's day to day, girl.. Just get through now and don't regret what you've done.Life is really too short. Sit there and close your eyes and just think of a normal day, the feelings you feel just being around your family, or how you feel when you are doing "okay" and then think of how bad you feel when emet gets you. I think you will agree that the moments of emet hell are worth even the most mundane daily life feelings you feel being alive and being a mom. You can do this. We are all in this together. And our days are all numbered.
I understand how upset you are. God, I would have done worse.. I yell at my daughter a lot. The only time I ever slapped her face was because she put her mouth close to the shopping cart handle. BUT, we cannot dwell on that and punish ourselves forever. We move on and try as best we can to do better the next day. That is all you have to do. And I know you've got it in ya

[meercat]

I agree completely with what everyone else said, so i don't need to write it. But i'd add to PLEASE TRY not to be too critical with your child...or you may create another Emet, in her!!! I KNOW you would NEVER wish your child to go through what you are going through, right? Most of us Emets know that "something" in our childhood triggered our phobia...keep that in mind when things like this happen, cuz something you might do or say COULD trigger the fear in her!

I'm so sorry this happened to you, especially on your birthday!!! Tomorrow is mine, and who knows what's in store for me!! I can understand how you feel. I tip my hat to ALL of you Emet mom's, cuz turning 38 tomorrow, only reminds me that i will sadly never be a mom, (cuz as you put it in your post) I don't have Emet...Emet has ME!!

God bless you all and your children :-)

Paula

[kellybean]

Hey, I agree with what everyone else said, we all have bad days. Especially us at this time of year. We get more stressed than everyone else, because we have all the holiday pressures, PLUS the emet worries. It totally sucks, and I know thatif I were you in that situation, I would have reacted the same way. Don't be so hard on yourself!!![img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[swiftette]

Thanks everyone for your kind words.Sometimes, I just feel like I'm spinning. Like I'm on the worst ride of my life and it won't stop. I don't have a good support system at home.My mom and husband are'nt sources of strength for me.I was always a Daddy's girl. But he has alzheimers and he really don't remember me. I'm just another familliar face. All my childhood memories with him are just mine now. I miss him on days like this. He'd be the hug I need or the chocolate delivery man. Whatever I needed, he was right there.The man I married is nothing like him. My "best"freind since high school has'nt even called-she must have forgotten it's my birthday. It means alot to me to be able to talk with you all here. Thank you!

[luna33]

((Swiftette))


Your kids are lucky to have a good mom like you. It's not your fault that you have this awful phobia. It is so hard to remain calm in these situations. I admit the times I get angriest at my daughter are over things like you described. I'd beashamed to tell you how much I drill her over handwashing and avoiding sick people. But I love her so much and in every other way I am a great mom. And so are you.


Let us be your support system, we're here. I'm sorry your husband and mom aren't.


Happy birthday, BTW .

[soluene]

I just went through a really rough time, a terrible amount of guilt and shame and sadness...And I just wanted to die, too. Like everyone is saying, you just have to accept yourself as human, and everyone has weaknesses. This phobia happens to be one of ours. Now, you have an experience to learn from and to try to improve upon. Also keep this in mind: I know your behavior seems unacceptable to YOU - but you are perceiving it as so much worse than it really was, and you are being harder on yourself than anyone else is and would be!Just let this one go, ok? I hope you feel better soon!

[samara's on tv]

I agree with what everyone said. I'm sorry you had a bad day, and on your birthday none the less. I know how you feel, I freak out when anyone gets sick or if they are near people who get sick. I ask my sister all the time ifany of her friends were recently sick or anything. She gets annoyed with me but that's just the way it is. You shouldn't feel ashamed. Everyone has their own triggers when it comes to fear with their kids. I mean I know people who flip the heck out if their kids talk to a stranger. Don't feel bad. *Hugs*


~Monica

[rubysoho120]

Im sprry your birthday was yucky, but happy birthday!!! If you have taught your daughter about washing her hands and things, then she should be pretty save from the sick girl if she was sick....which we aren't sure of. Try and stay poistive. I totally know what you mean about not wanting to freak out people you love. I don't have kids yet, and I think about it all the time, but I don't want to involve them in my drama and phobia, but I do want them so bad. I hope it gets better, let us know how your daughter is.

[dord]

Please be kind to yourself - you know that your a good Mom. Just the picture of your little girls tells me that you are and your posts are always kind. I know you stated you've been in therapy and on Xanax but what about other anti-depressants? Lexapro is supposed to be a good one and if I feel I'm getting out of control with the phobia it will be the medication I will ask for. I would have been exaspirated too with my child after all the drilling we do that she would be pee'd after the girl got sick but you know we can go into any public restroom and not really know whose been it them and what were they doing. I know it's when we know that the panic is there - I'm with you. I hope you will give yourself a break and really consider trying a different medication. I believe in them - at one point I really feel Celexa saved my life. You are very well liked and respected on the board and we all know exactly where you're coming from.

[crystalmom]

Completely agree with everything that has been said.


<<<<<<<<<<HUGZ>&g t;>> >>>>>>


Crystal

[SimplyMe]

Sorry this is late but I agree w/ everyone else! If having emet is the worse you've ever done to your kids than you're doing better than most moms! (that includes the good ones) Try not to beat yourself up, we all lose it sometimes and unfortunately people who don't deserve it sometimes are in the middle but if you take this one time and hold it up to all of the wonderful memories your kids have because of you and all of the love you show them the rest of the time this was really nothing. You are probably more upset than your daughter! Oh and happy late birthday!

[madisonsmom]

How are you?





I hope today is much better![img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[swiftette]

Well, today was better. My freind took me out to lunch and we did a little shopping-retail therapy is my favorite[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]. The sick little girl was back at school so hopefully she is okay-they did have tacos for lunch, and my daughter-knock wood- is okay. Until the next episode[img]smileys/smilies_12.gif[/img]. I just wish I could not panic like that-I just come completly un-glued and it's so not cool for my daughter to see. Thank you all for your support!!!!Much hugs!!! Donna

[jenneth]

all the sympathy in the world to you, but be really careful about how you act around your kids with emet. im sure this is a co-incidence, but my mum hates v8, and wenever i was ill when i was little she would OBSESS over everything clean, and was very anxious around me. i don't know if it had an affect on me and emet, but it could have done. saying this, you coped better than i would have in that situation!

jen