How to make a non-emet understand?

[pretty polly]

Hi people - I am pretty polly (not particularly pretty, and polly is not
my real name - but unfortunately I am still a bit embarrassed about
my emet and not quite brave enough to be "me" yet!)
I am a 31 yr old female, married with a gorgeous nearly 6 yr old
daughter (hate the word 6 by the way, for obvious reasons) have
suffered with emet for as long as I can remember, yet like so many
others, have only just found out that there is such a phobia and i am
not just some germ freak!
I have only just become a member on this site, so plse humour me if
I'm not as skilled as I should be.
I was wondering if anyone can offer any advice on the best way to
explain how I feel to my husband without sounding like a complete
loonie! The thing is I have been married for nearly 10 years and my
husband is aware that I 'don't like v*', and after discovering this
website and the name of my unfortunate infliction, I even mentioned
it too him, and his reaction was "your a what? An emetephobe? More
like an ementalphobe!"
You see, he thinks that because I'm at home alot, only working part
time, that I have so little else to occupy my day, that I just sit around
looking for things to worry about. He's always said I'm a
hyperchondriac, now he thinks that because I've found this website,
its just another thing for me to 'be' this week. That i'll soon get bored
of it and move onto something else. (I wish!!)
I actually find it incredible that I have lived with him for all these
years and he's never picked up on the fact that I have to do
everything in sets of 3 (coz if I don't, the 'bad thing' might happen),
also the fact that when he wants to go out for a drink, I ensure he is
staying away for the night (without a second thought, for who with or
what else he is doing - just as long as he doesn't come home drunk)
- how bad is that????
P'raps I'm making it sound like we don't have a great relationship,
which is certainly not the case, we get along great, but he is one of
these people that doesn't accept that people can be depressed, or
phobic - its all just an attention thing, and they should pull
themselves together!
Anyway when I told him about emetephobia and how strongly I felt,
he stared at me warily but pr'aps coz he could see I was close to
tears he didn't laugh or take the mick. So because I'm not sure how
to explain all the thousands of things that my silly brain worries about
every minute of the day, I told him he should look at the website
because its all on there - I even loaded it up for him (feeling really
embarrassed and awkward), and do you know, he must have read a
couple of lines and said "what do you want me to say? You're a
mentalist?" and went back to reading his paper! I was devastated. I
tried to explain about the black cloud I am permanently under - the
fact that I don't measure time in days in weeks, but in pending
illnesses - and he just makes light of it.
Now I know hes not consciously being nasty - he just doesn't get it!
He has promised that if our daughter gets sick, he will deal with it
blah blah blah as long as I deal with poo (coz he hates poo - really
struggled with nappies etc), and to some degree, I s'ppose I can't
really expect more - I just wish he wouldn't call me a mentalist, if I
become agitated about anything to do with the dreaded v*!
Plse plse can someone tell me if their other halves behave the same,
or have I actually managed to marry the only insensitive guy on the
planet?
Any easy to digest explanations would be really valued...

thanks for reading

sadly pretty polly [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[gubba]

Hey Polly. I am smiling at your post since I too am married and actually to a wonderful man, who also thinks I am a hypochondriac. I have feared V* my whole life that I can remember and I don't even know what triggered it. I have a 3 year old son and I must ask you...how have you made it for 6 years and not dealt with V*? Anyway, I want to tell you that my husband could not believe it at first when I told him this fear had a name and it was actually the 5th most commen fear, up there like spiders, heights etc. To make a long story longer, let me tell you that I foudn this site in September and when I showed my husband what everyone was like...just like me, he laughed and said, "O.K., I get it, this is real." We talked a lot about it and he can't ever truly understand how fearful we are, but he does know that it is real and not just me being a nut.


My son does V* and he has a sensitive gag reflex, so he V*'s from coughing. He has a terrible cough now and I have dealt with V* in the last 2 days from him. I do better knwoing I can't catch the V* thing, but I still get a bit nervous. My husband has slept with him if I think that he is feeling bad and my husband has come home from work when he has V*'d in the past from an SV.


After finding this site and meeting so many others like me, never having known a sole to be this way and possibly because I would never admit to anyone personally that I am like this, but family, I was totally relieved to have this place for support. You will never believe how great people here are and there are several moms that are great help too.


WELCOME and good luck explaining it...it may take some time, but since you have all of us to complain to, he may realize that you don't complain to him as much and he may come around.

[pookey30]

Pretty Polly,


Are you married to my other half????


I have just read him some of your post. He laughed. He calls me a muppet. I am currently taking meds for this phobia and he calls them Muppet pills. He sounds just like your husband. At least your husband read a few lines. Mine won't even look at the computer.


My 3 and a half year old son has v* 3 times in the past month and a half and the last time was last Friday. He did it 7 times and my other half was at work. (Nights). Before my son v* he told me he felt s* so I phoned my sister in law and she sent her 13 year old daughter and her fiance round for me. They were here about 20 mins and then my son v*. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I ended up grabbing my car keys and leaving for about3 hours. My son was crying "Cuddle Mummy" and I just walked out and left him. My phobia is that bad. Now Friday and Saturday are nearly here and I will be on my own again. I just feel like dying. I want to leave my family. I also have a 14 week old daughter. I can't take this phobia any more. It is beating me.


So, no, you are not alone. Last Thursday night I had a heart to heart with my other half and said "What if he is s* while you are at work?". He said "phone me". I said "what is the point, you wont come home." He said "How do you know if you dont phone me.?" So on Friday he was the first personI phoned and he said "what do you want me to do? I am at work. You will just have to get on with it!" I just wanted to die. If I had a gun I would have shot myself.


They promise things and dont follow through.


I don't know how you explain to a non emet how bad this is. They dont know. Some people have phobias of buttons! Would you understand that? I wouldnt. That is what it must be like for them with our phobia.


All I can say is - you are not alone here. I havnt been here long but I have found out that the support here is unbelievable. I just wish that I could meet some of the people on here. They are so great.


Hold in there and remember - you are not alone.


Karen


P.S. Where are you from in the UK? I am from Essex.

[pretty polly]

Hey gubba - thanks for responding

In answer to your question how I have managed not to deal with v*
in 6 years - I have, I've surprised myself at times - I think the
common consensus is, that when its your own child, you realise you
have to, you can't run away. Its odd really, I find that although its
the BIG FEAR (hearing those awful sounds or hearing those awful
words " I feel s*") the last time I had to deal with it, it was like a
tremendous calm came over me and I just went into automatic pilot -
almost like a trance, and just kept reassuring her and telling her its
nothing to worry about whilst cleaning it up etc etc, and not until
afterwards turning into a wobbly mess once playing it over in my
mind.
[img]smileys/smilies_11.gif[/img] [img]smileys/smilies_11.gif[/img]
I'll have another go explaining it to him when he comes back from
his business trip (he's over there in the states at the mo - he travels
a heck of a lot, which is another reason why I know that I am the
only one who can reassure my daughter, coz daddy is at work so
much of the time!)

[pretty polly]

hi karen - just read your reply - thanks - its amazing to have
someone to actual discuss this mad thing with! After not revealing it
to anyone in 31 years!!!

I can't tell you the number of times I have felt like just getting up
and getting into the car and driving - anywhere!! The fact that you
rang your family means that you have disclosed your nasty little
secret to them - which was a brave thing to do,and the fact that they
came round was fantastic - now theres real understanding for you! I
have never told anyone about this, apart from hubbie, and you know
the reaction I got! I'll have to tell him about the muppet pills!
Thats funny!
Sounds like you really have it bad though. It scares me to even
consider taking pills - I worry I would lose control of it, and that
everything would spiral away from me = like losing my grip on whats
real and whats not? If you know what I mean?
I have dealt with my daughters illnesses in the past, and gone into a
detached dreamlike state while I'm doing it and somehow got thru it
but fretted about it for weeks after! But I felt incredibly proud that I
did! All I can say to you is that the frequency of when "it" happens is
normally quite low, and you have to concentrate on all the healthy
happy times that you do have with your family the rest of the time,
and how good that makes you feel? And the fact that you have got
good family support around you (apart from an insensitive husband
unfortunately - buy hey at least he's there most of the time???)
My hubby travels frequently on business, at the mo he is in the
states, (went on Sat and comes back this Fri), next week hes in
France for the majority of the week, and the week after that he's off
to Asia for a fortnight - aaarggh - hope he doesn't bring any bird flu
back with him???) We do think some silly things don't we?
Anyway, I shall be surfing regularly over the next month or so, coz I
have little else to occupy my mind (as hubby so lovingly puts it!)
I'm from Northamptonshire, by the way.
Regards

[pookey30]

Hi again.


Thanks for replying. I know they arn't usually s* a lot but my son has v* 3 times in the past month and a half and everyday he tells me he feels s*. I am going to take him to the doctors to try to find out what it wrong.


Tell your family. They might not understand but they may do. You never know, maybe someone in your family is an Emet too and is keeping it quite! You never know if you will have support if you dont tell them.


I didnt need to tell my family. They have known about it since I was 4. I'm 35 this month.


As I am typing this my son has just got out of bed. Now I am shaking and panicking in case he is up because he feels s*. I am absolutly crapping myself. I will be sleeeping down here again tonight.My son comes into our bedEVERY night. As soon as he comesin I get out. I cant sleep in thebed with him since he v* a month and a half ago.


My other half has just come down. My son is okay.He is in our bed now. I won't even be going to bed now. I will just stay down here now.I dont go into my sons bed as he gets up in the night looking for me.Sometimes he does come down to look for mebut not as often.


How bad is this that I am avoiding my son. I don't lethim kiss me on the lips anymore either. As he keeps telling me he feels s* I don't like kissing him. When I touch his dummies I make sure I dont touch the teats as I am affraid that I will catch something.He is my son. I don't like being like this. I hate it and I hate this phobia. This is why I want to leave. My kids would bebetter off without me. I am a complete wreck.


Speak soon


Karen

[e-lizabeth]

Hey guys....Sage wrote a great article about emetophobia and it's at http://www.emetophobia.org/forum/for...sp?TID=1925&am p;PN=1- print it off for your loved ones. Also go peruse the treatment thread in general.

[crystalmom]

Polly....I too know how you feel, and how hard it is. My ex-husband thought I was a hypochondriac too, but he was a a$$hole all around anyway! I hope you find the strength to tell others who are close to you about this. It is a phobia....nothing to be ashamed about.


Karen....agian, I say you are strong and you know darn well your kids would not be better off without you. Talk soon.


Crystal

[sage]

Thanks E-liz! (You knew I was busy this week, right?) lol...for the rest of you, E-liz and I hooked up for a drink in Toronto on Tuesday. It was SO AWESOME to meet another emetophobe, and especially E-liz cuz she's so frickin' NORMAL. We had a lot of fun just laughing at ourselves and what-not.


Anyway....you can try printing out the paper, and showing it to your husband. However, he may read it and STILL just think you're "mental"...or whatever you call that in the UK! That's because some folks don't understand because they think it reflects somehow on THEM. Like...he might be thinking (subconsciously) "if my wife's crazy, then I was crazy enough to marry her..." Something like that.


The point is, it's really ok if he doesn't understand. There's nothing a person can do to MAKE someone else UNDERSTAND. or make someone else do or FEEL anything for that matter. I know it's upsetting to feel alone and abandoned in your fear. But you can work on the phobia, and your feelings of abandonment and feel better. However, if you spend a lot of time worrying about trying to get HIM to understand, you'll just be wasting time.


From your description, it sounds as if you have some symptoms of OCD as well, which is very closely related to emetophobia, and all phobia. It's another manifestation of anxiety.


Anti-anxiety medication should not be ruled out - talk to your doctor (give him or her the paper I wrote first, then make an appt. to talk about it) Leave your husband at home for that appointment if he continues to "not understand".


Don't worry that taking meds will "get out of hand" or whatever, ...that's just the anxiety talking. The medication will STOP the anxiety, and then you won't worry so much. But I get it that it's a vicious circle.


The best intervention is a trip to get some help.


Think of it this way: you're a "mentalist" Hey - join the club! We all are, honey. E-lizabeth and I had great fun last Tuesday talking about how nuts we are. Yet we both have great marriages, great careers, and great kids. Our lives are full of joy. Yet we ARE indeed sufferers of mental illness. So what? If you were diabetic or had cancer would you be ashamed? There's no difference. This is a condition that is treatable, just like the others are.


All the best of luck to you!

[pretty polly]

Hey Sage - thanks for much for your kind words. I really appreciate
you taking the time, especially considering your hectic schedule etc.

I shall have another go at explaining this phobia to him, and try and
make him read your posts etc - but you are probably right, if he
doesn't want to understand, then he probably never will. Some
people just don't get us - right?

It sound really scary when someone actually tells you - you have a
mental illness - because up until now I have just thought I was a bit
odd, nothing more. Reading all these posts certainly shines a light on
the whole situation!! I'm still really embarrassed to go and see a
professional, because once you admit it out loud you think thats it -
I've succumbed - I'm now certifiably nuts!!

I'm quite a private person - as I said before, I have never let on to
anyone about this - not my family, best friends anyone . And its
taken 16 yrs of knowing my husband to tell him - and I didn't get the
most helpful of reactions, so telling a complete stranger - thats really
scary!! I think frequently visiting this site, will help me alot, and help
me to perhaps build the confidence to approach someone else.

Until then , thanks to everyone for just being there!!