from freaking to fine in 10 minutes...

[Eternity]

The speed with which I can freak out lately is surpassed only by the speed at which I can recover... 10 minutes ago I was certain I was about to throw up, now Im hungry. I keep getting random stomach cramps too (no Im not pregnant or on),have been doin for a couple of days, does anyone get this from time to time? whats going on?


A week ago I drove about a 250 miles.. friend of mine got kicked out n I went to rescue him without so much as a second thought. n then yesterday I needed to take anti emetics to go to the corner shop. One day I cant leave the house n another Im totally normal... After two seperate lots of pills that did nothing I cant quite bring myself to start on round 3, so Im takingantiemetics as anti panic drugs, for those times when I really need to go out n do stuff. I came up against a really horrid doctor the last time I called up the surgery, why is it that their priority seems to be to get me to visit the surgery, so that they dont haveto make the 5 minute round trip to my house, rather than to make me better? But it wont work anyway because Im not physically ill.. how can a drug cure a head problem?? For a brief moment.. a week or two I believed citalopram was working, now Im absolutely certain it did nothing atall, cuz ya see on nothing, I have days as good as I did on it, n days as bad as I had on it too, its not the drug that helped, I just felt better briefly naturally... for like 2 weeks of the 8 or so I was taking it for.



I wanted to believe it was working but it was just a lie.. if Im really honest, nothing Ive taken has had any effect on my mind whatsoever. The aforementioned friend suggests weed would mellow me out.. but I know better because its not panic attacks that are my problem.. its fear of throwing up in front of people. THAT. I can narrow my entire psychosis down to one single possibility that I fear, n thats the one. Its the reason for everything. and.. the reason Im afraid of it is nothing really to do with the act of vomitting atall. I mean, I hate it. I obsess over it, but Im not truely afraid of it. But I fear loosing control, which could ultimately lead to one of two things- the first being the fairly irrational possibility that I could collapse n die. n the second.. more realistic option being that I could totally embarrass myself in front of a load of strangers.. or people I know, whatever. I know people say that ya shouldnt care what people think, but we all do. We're all ultimately terrified of being the butt of the joke, being made to feel small... n lately Ive realised that apparant confidence is directly proportional to insecurity. I never believed that till I saw it in myself, but for years I was the loner kid, n I was fairly secure in myself. Now people like me (the freaks) n even more terrifying people respect and (oh lord) look up to me. And I am just terrified Im going to screw it up.


*hands out cookies to the people that read this far*


Seriously though, this is the "why" for me. I have this irrational fear because Im afraid that if I show myself to be vulnerable or human in front of people.. even if it were only a small group of people I knew fairly well, then Id ruin my whole charade.. n I spent years building it up... n once people see through the bulls*** they will realise that theres nothing behind it. Im not pretty, or smart, or deep, or artistic, Im basically a waste of state money... then again I dont wanna kill myself cuz Im too selfish. Its almost impossible to explain... n wont make any sense unless youve felt it.. I know cuz an ex of mine tried to explain it to me whilst I was still in denial.. but. I dont actually like myself very much. Im arrogant as hell n I like to think Im better than everyone else, but underneath it all Im just pretending cuz I wanna be someone else, cuz theres nothing to me ya know? Theres just a sort of blank boredom under the act.


I know 99% of people will just say, awww but youre a nice person etc etc... but maybe someone will get it.. I dunno.. perhaps? Im not loo

[Eternity]

Afterthought...


I had random stomach cramps all day that day... not the whole time, just every now n again..I did eat n I didnt throw up... then yesterday I was fine.. n today my tummy sort of hurts again.. n like the other day I noticed it particularly just after I woke up n sat up...


I dunno whether itll go on all day again.. Im really hungry so I dont think Im sick.. what else could it be? If I were pregnant... n just theoretically here, IF it were possible atall which it shouldnt be cuz Ive been ever so careful.. but just supposing for a minute I could be.. I had a period 2 n a half weeks ago. ergo I could only be a week or two pregnant.. is it even possible that I could be having morning-sickness like symptoms that early on.. if that were it...?

[littlebebe]

Your first post could so easily of been written by me, in fact if anyone who knew me read it they would think it was me.



I am not necessarily scared of v* i am just terrified of vomiting in
public, for all the reasons you stated, i can also go days feeling
fine, then have a day where i feel nauseas and lightheaded all
day. I have tried Citalopram and am currently on Paroxetine,
neither of them did anything. I still have panic attacks when im
out if im not somewhere i know well (eg know where the bathroom is) the
doctors have done 1 blood test and have basically implied its all in my
head and i said fine give me some bloody drugs to fix it then, of
course they never do.



Anyway if i start ranting ill never stop, just wanted to let you know its not just you [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[oibird]

I just want to say congrats for the rant! sometimes its can be a
big help to get it of your chest! and i think your really brave for
being so open an honest about how you feel! so well done!

I have random stomach cramps practically everyday, irritable bowl
mixed with a big dose of anxiety!
the pregnacy nausea for me was not like having a stomach ache
more like waves of nausea with no pain in tummy, but if in doubt
check it out

hope yr feeling better today [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]

[Eternity]

Your first post could so easily of been written by me, in fact if anyone who knew me read it they would think it was me.

I am not necessarily scared of v* i am just terrified of vomiting in public, for all the reasons you stated, i can also go days feeling fine, then have a day where i feel nauseas and lightheaded all day. I have tried Citalopram and am currently on Paroxetine, neither of them did anything. I still have panic attacks when im out if im not somewhere i know well (eg know where the bathroom is) the doctors have done 1 blood test and have basically implied its all in my head and i said fine give me some bloody drugs to fix it then, of course they never do.

Anyway if i start ranting ill never stop, just wanted to let you know its not just you [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

Citalopram is hopeless isnt it? They also put me on beta blockers at the start called errrrr Inderil (brand name) I forget the medical name. Ohhh I won a psyche visit too- in december. hahaha. I first asked for it 2 months ago.. well, just under 2 months. Actually i didnt exactly ask for it either- it was the idea of the single nice doctor I met, shes awesome *nods* I dont believe for a second itll do any good but I'll do it anyway, trouble is, I think psychiatry type stuff really helps the most if ppl are confused, n Im not. Ive tried 4 different types of pills now tho, n the only thing that really works is anti emetics, do you find that? My doctors will willingly perscribe them alongside anything else they give me, n right now Im finding that its them rather than anythin else Ive been given that allows me to do stuff.. or rather, leave the house. haha. Im sure its not healthy to take them on a daily basis though *sighs* they should make a simple everyday anti emetic shouldnt they? Im pretty sure the way most of them work would make them a bit dangerous to take on a daily basis for several years, but surely they could make somethin that wasnt? Id pay for a drug like that, wouldnt you?