Guilt re: needing to take medication

[kel12347]

Hi everyone! I'm currently taking Prozac and Klonopin for my emet/anxiety, and I'm also in therapy. I started the meds about a month ago, when my anxiety was intolerably high for three weeks straight. Now that I'm stabilized, I feel like I'm "weak" for needing to take the medication. My therapist and I have talking about this, and I know that it's just another one of my perfectionistic things, but I still feel like "if I were strong or good enough, I could beat this on my own, and I wouldn't need medication."


My therapist likened it to having to take insulin for diabetes, but this metaphor went nowhere with me, because in my mind, that is a medical illness, and emet is a mental disorder. Anyone have any advice to help me get past these feelings, or to help me feel like I'm not a failure b/c I need meds to help me with this?


ETA: Part of the problem is that I feel like the meds are a cop-out, or an easy fix, and I know curing emet isn't like that. Don't get me wrong, the fear is defiinitely still there, but the meds have heped with the anxiety 1000%.


I'll be talking to my therapist again next week, too.Edited by: kel12347

[shiva]

I'm sorry, I cannot help you with these feelings because I feel the same as you do about being able to do this on my own. Last week my psychologist suggested meds again and I got so pissed. (Actually she suggested MORE meds because she doesn't know that I am off what my psychiatrist prescribed a year or so ago.. haven't been on them in a while) Anyway.. I really think it's pure s***. All they want to do is MEDICATE.. medicate.. medicate.. I really don't understand that mentality. Is it because it makes it easier on them? I always looked at it like, if I'm medicated and don't have anxiety, how am I going to want to get through the actual problem to feel better? A friend of mine who was wrongly diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was on a s***load of meds went off a year ago. She feels great, but expressed a little nervousness about winter coming because she gets a little down from the lack of sun and what not. Immediately, her psychologist suggested meds. Not vitamin D, not exercise, not a light box or writing or another form of therapeutic means.. f***ing medication. It's sick to me. She said no way.


HOWEVER, if you like how you feel when you are on them and if you feel you are making progress toward getting rid of this phobia, then don't beat yourself up. Work hard, work fast, get rid of it and get off the meds. You know? Sometimes people need a crutch to get through things. When I went on the meds a while ago, I felt I definitely needed something. I couldn't sleep, couldn't function.. I was obsessed with vomit. Well, the meds helped with the sleeping and because I was sleeping, I could handle the stress of the day better. When it was time that I decided I wanted off (40 freaking lbs. later) I had horrible insomnia and anxiety, but I told myself that I could do it because it was very important to me that I did. And I managed to get through it.


I hope I didn't cause more confusion in you, but I want you to know that you are not alone with this mentality. I have no idea why all they want to do is medicate anymore. You would think a therapist would not be so quick to suggest getting someone to get you meds.

[kel12347]

I'm glad someone at least understands how I feel. At the point I was at, I definitely NEEDED the medication. I was having to take Ativan on a daily basis just to get through the day, I was too afraid to sleep or eat, and I was barely able to work. So the meds have definitely gotten me over the rough patch. I resisted them for a couple of weeks, but then I just couldn't take living with the constant high anxiety. But now that I'm feeling better, I feel weak for needing the meds. But if I go off them, I'll probably go right back to where I was, because I haven't done enough exposure therapy, etc. to make a big enough dent in the phobia. It's a vicious circle.....[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[japa]

Here's how I see it: It's a big challenge to go head to head with the phobia with all of the exposure therapy and so on. Psychotherapy of any kind is HARD WORK, (not to sound like George W.), hard emotional labor. Many people are afraid of it, and even though they have problems, they won't go through therapy because it's too tough to face the emotions. So why must you make the therapy even tougher by going off the medication before you've gone through all of the exposure that you need? You're in control of the medication, and when the therapy is finished, and you no longer fear vomit, then it will be no problem with going off the medication.


Just because you are taking some medication, that does not mean that you aren't fighting the phobia yourself. Who else can fight the phobia? You're the one spending time with the therapist and looking at the exposure photos. Medication doesn't take over your body and negate the person inside. It may help manage the anxiety or lessen it a bit, but as many people have stated here before, they can take meds, keep their phobia, and still feel anxiety, so without some other action on your part, it's not going to help. The medication will lessen the anxiety enough to keep you able to do the exposure therapy etc. If you don't do the therapy, you won't cure yourself of the phobia, no matter how many meds. you are on.


Why don't you just get cured once and for all? Put everything you have to give and every resource possible into this, and that means medication too, if it helps. Finish the job of losing the phobia, and then you'll likely never be bothered by the need to take medication again.

[kel12347]

Thank you, Japa. Your opinion is really helpful to me. I think you're exactly right, but the perfectionist part of me still doesn't like it. I am going to keep on with the meds until I don't need them, even if it is quite a while. I'm also going to print out your post and keep it with my therapy stuff, so that whenever I feel "weak" for being on the meds, I can remind myself that they are just another weapon in my arsenal against emetophobia, and they are helping me to do the rest of the work involved in beating this.


Thank you!!!

[sage]

Kel, I'll go one step further than the others...the scientific route. Cuz I know you're an academic at heart (counsellor!)


You can show this to your therapist, and see if they agree with me....


Diabetes and mental illnesses such as phobia are more similar than you seem to think. Although there will have been emotional factors contributing to your phobia, rather than a purely pathological "cause", nevertheless emotion is a powerful force in FORMING certain parts of the brain and its systems. These "synaptic connections" (wiring) and CHEMICAL producers/receptors are formed early in childhood, and can also be formed or re-emphasized in adulthood. The earlier the formation of the systems, the less likely they are to be changed later in life. This is particularly true with CHEMICALS. I was one of the "lucky" ones in that I had screwed-up wiring, but the chemicals seemed to be ok...


If one's chemicals ARE messed up, (and if the drugs make you feel better, then you can bet they sure are) then it's NO DIFFERENT THAN DIABETES. It's not "weakness". That's crazy! It's not your fault you got this disorder, and it's not your fault you can't get rid of it.


The worst thing people do who take medication and feel better is GO OFF IT. It's crazy-making, I know, cuz if you feel better you'll think you don't need it. But then you go off it, and before long those peptide-receptors are back to the way they were and you're terrified out of your mind again. WHY?????


I take vitamins every day - if I don't I'll get every stupid cold-sniffling-virus going. Why? Because my immune system sucks. Do I feel guilty forever? Weak? Naaaahh!!! I just take the vitamins! My husband takes high blood pressure meds and it's no different. It keeps him healthy. Without them, he'd get sick. And without your meds, you will get "sick" again as well.


You can work on the phobia with psychotherapy and work hard WHILE on the meds. Work away until you have ZERO FEAR of vomiting. Until the thought of it makes you throw your head back and laugh. I'd say, if you work hard in therapy weekly, that'll be about 5 years from now. When your anxiety is ZERO, begin to think about MAYBE weaning slowly off the meds (with your doctor's and therapist's blessing). If your anxiety goes up ONE LITTLE BIT, then go back to the dosage you're on.


Perfectionist? Treat your brain with the love and care it deserves - perfectly. It's been harmed. It's hurting. The medication gives it what it needs to function smoothly, the way God created you - the way you were born. To deprive it of the chemical functioning that's "normal" is not "perfectionism". It's the opposite.


(Amen) sorry - that sounded totally like a sermon.


Anyway, stay on your meds! You're doing great!

[kel12347]

Thanks, Sage! That does make more sense about it being similar to diabetes, the way you explained it. I don't think I'm ever going to like the meds, and will eventually try to go off of them once I'm no longer afraid of vomiting, but I will definitely monitor my anxiety if I do ever go off of them.


On an off note, exposure therapy is going well. I'm just starting on step 2, with writing the word v* (I would have typed it, but we're in the Q & A forum, so I don't want to cause anyone anxiety). I think this step in the exposure will go relatively quickly, because seeing or typing the word doesn't bother me. I am going to expose myself to the other more common words for v'ing as well, so those won't bother me either. I've also added an extra step to my hierarchy. I read a lot of novels, and whenever I read about someong v'ing in whatever book I'm reading, it causes me anxiety. So that's gonna be step 3, and after that the tape with the coughing. This is such hard work (my b/f says I now have two full-time jobs (lawyer and therapy work), but it feels good knowing that I am finally fighting this thing.


Oh, my new therapist...love her! I think I might even like her more than I liked my old one (and I thought she was great). She already pointed out a ton of things about me and my perfectionism that I wouldn't have noticed otherwise. She's also been successfully treated for anxiety, so she knows A LOT about it, and understands (almost) exactly where I'm coming from.