I WALKED OUT ON MY SICK SON

[pookey30]

Hello everyone.


********* MILD GRAPHIC **********





If this is the first post you have read from me, please don't judge me until you have read my other posts.


I feel as bad as everyone must think I am. Worse even. [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img][img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img][img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img][img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img][img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]


I love my son more than I can explain but my phobia is cronic.


It's Friday and my partner works nights. I collected my son from nursery at 3.30pm and he seemed fine. I had him in the bath at 7.00pm. He went red. He said "I'm not going to be s*, I'm not going to be s*" He got out of the bath and stood over the toilet. Good really as he only turned 3 a few weeks ago. Well, my heart sank and the panic started.


I called my other half but he said he couldn't come home as he needs to earn some money. (Self employed.) I called his sister. My other half was already on the phone to her. Her boyfriend and her 13 year old daughter were on their way round. They got round. Just in time really as 15 mins later he ran upstairs to the bathroom. He didn't make it to the toilet. I stayed downstairs and they both went up to him. I went to the garage to get the mop and bucket and filled it with hot water and disinfectant. They said there was a lot. Everywhere. I sat downstairs cying. My son came and cuddled me and got a tissue and wiped my eyes! He is ill and he was more concerned with me crying. Love him!


I went upstairs to get dressed so I could go to their house to get them some things to stop the night. When I was up there my son came up. He got into my bed and wanted me to lay with him. I did. He started shifting. Then.... he did it all over my bed. Well, the first bit I just shot off. I ran down the stairs and out of the front door. I went to their house and got their things and left them to deal with him. As I went out the door I could hear him crying and saying "Cuddle Mummy." I feel so heartless and cruel. I just walked out when he wanted me. I couldn't handle him being near me incase he did it again.


Anyway, to cut a long story short..... He has done it a total of six times now. I think it was after the 4th time I ran again. I got in my car and drove off. I pulled up down the road and and sat there until 1.40am. When I came back my other half had just come home. He last did it about an hour and a half ago. He is asleep but he keeps doing that. Sleeping and waking up to v* so I am just sitting here worried that he is going to do it again.


I cant take this anymore. I really cant do it. I want to go for good.


Somebody help me I dont want to leave my children. I love them sooo much but his phobia is more than I can deal with.


Karen

[ontariogirl]

We are chatting right now. I will be with you until you go to sleep. I know this is hard. You remind me if myself when I had my oldest 21 years ago. Feeling the same way. Now i will go back to chatting with you.

[shiva]

Karen,


Listen.. You have help there with you. Kids don't get sick this way very often. I am really proud of you that you cuddled him like he asked. Don't beat yourself up. These things are going to happen, and we are not going to handle them like most people probably would, but it's going to be okay nonetheless. As long as someone is there to help you, I am sure that things will be just fine. I know the feeling of panic is overwhelming, but your meds should be kicking in soon and they will help take the edge off. It's just an uncomfortable feeling, you are not going to die and when it passes everyone will be okay. How is your baby? When does your counseling begin?


Just a thought. Is there anyone who your children could stay with for like a few weeks while you either check in somewhere or go through some extensive counseling?

[pookey30]

Thanks Shiva,


I want to check in somewhere but my other half is self employed. There isnt anyone else to look after the kids. Only just tonight I told my other halfs sister that I want to go to a mental hospital to be sorted. If I did that then Social Services will get involved and I would probably loose my children.


The meds..... I couldnt take one tonight as I havnt eaten. I am only taking 10mg and you can take upto 150mg so I dont think I am taking enough.


I really want to take myself off and get this sorted. I am on a waiting list for therapy. I called the week before last to see if they can rush me through but the lady I need to speak to has been off with a cold all week. I will call her again Monday morning and tell her what has happened tonight.


Going to try to doze off on the sofa now. Its 0511 now and my daughter will be getting up for a bottle in 2 hours.


Thanks again Shiva


xxx

[mommyof3]

Karen, I am worried about your son. Have you had him to the doctor? He has been sick with this for a long time. Is it possible he has an infection like strep throat or something that is making him do it? Would it make you feel better if you knew he didn't have a contagious sv*?


I am so sorry that you don't have anyone to watch him so you can check yourself in somewhere. At least his aunt was there to watch him tonight for you. I'm sure she stepped up to the plate. His dad is with him now and you are all safe.

[pookey30]

Paula,


Thanks, It was his cousin and my other halfs sisters boyfriend that deal with him. I didnt even go in the same room. They were so good and I cant thank them enough. I owe them big time!!!


I phoned the emergency doc tonight. I have to take him to the docs on Monday. Everyday he says "not going to be sick". He has looked white for over a month now. I'm really worried about him.


Going to try to sleep now.


Thanks again


Karen


xxxxxxxxxxxx

[mommyof3]

I hope you get some sleep and I hope you can find out what is wrong with your little one. If it helps any for you to know, I have 3 children and have only caught a sv* once from them and I did not v*, just had d*. I think most emets are this way, especially ones who have it as severe as you.


Keep posting like you have been. I'm glad we can all be here for you.

[japa]

Gosh, if that has been going on for a month, I doubt it is a stomach virus. It probably is nothing contagious to you. It could be something serious though, so it's a good idea to get him to a doctor.


I am not sure how things work in the U.K., but here in the U.S., you are not going to lose your children for going into a mental hospital, particularly when there is a father there and other family members. My best friend works with child protective services, and their goal is to keep families together whenever possible. With the support system you have, I don't see how you could lose your children. Do you think if you had to go into a hospital for physical treatment like an operation, and you had to stay there for a month because it was a serious condition, that social services would take your kids? Unless there is something very oddly different in the U.K., I don't see how mental illness gets your kids taken???

[gubba]

Karen, I will bet your son does not have an SV. I am also a mom of a 3 year old son and he does V*, but only 2 times from an SV. he has a sensitive gag reflex and he gets choked etc. My point is like Paula said, he has something more worng than an SV and maybe just a sore throat or an ear infection or something. They do get S* and it can be often, but he is sick more than 2 times a month. Calm down and know that you won't catch this thing.


I know exactly how you feel wanting to run from it and feeling the guilt. My son had an SV in the spring and V*'d on and off all day. my husband was at work and could not come home. I did deal with it and actually realized that i did not need to cuddle so much when i told him i had to clean it up, and that was easier for me. also, he slept a lot that day and i put him on the couch with towels and that he felt was pretty neat since we had never done that before.


I am so sorry this happened to you and especially when you were alone. It will get better and once you find out what is wrong with him, you will also be better.


Please know that you are not awful. It is natural for an EMET to want to run from V*. That's what we are all about. The part that you MUST know is that he won't V* forever and while it may seem that it is happening a lot and it is, it won't be like this forever. You know that your kids love you and you do love them as well and that love must be stronger than this evil phobia. It is evil and we can all conquer this.


Keep your chin up and know that it will all be o.k. Get your son to a DR. and get his tummy checked as well as the throat and ears.


I am thinking about you and I am usually around if you need someone. I'm in the US, so we are on different time zones, but I will check in to see if you need more help. I hope this has helped.


I just had another thought...here in the US we have babysitting services. They have all types of sitters and maybe you guys have one there that could send a sitter over to help. Usually they have people that are o.k. with V*. I am lucky to have a girl who does babysit occassionally and she doesn't mind V* at all and she tells me she will come over to help if i need it unless she is at work. Look for some support that way as well.


Once again, I think about you all the time since I am a mom and I know how you feel.

[PhilB]

Karen, it's good that you'll have your son checked out by a
doctor. If he has been sick for a month, I would be worried
too. As far as vomiting many times, yeah, unfortunately, it can
happen. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and the phobia seems
very severe in your case.



On the positive side, if you asked for treatment and you'll have a
doctor check out your son, I say you're doing what you are supposed to
be doing.



That's good!



You'll get through this! it *will* gets better.

[shiva]

I was wondering.. If you can check in somewhere, do you guys have a system over there that would pay for day care for your children while their father is at work? That way they would stay with him when he's home and with a caretaker when he is not.


It's too bad that you don't have more family and friends around. When I was small my dad was shot in the neck and my mom had left us. My dad couldn't do much for us, as he couldn't even walk. We spent some time at home with him depending on who was there to help him and if they could take care of us. We stayed at lots of people's homes that year that were not even people we know. (the community just pitched in and helped, i guess). We spent lots of time at my grandma's, but she and my grandpa had to work to help pay medical bills and help pay the bills while my dad was out of work. My point is.. You would probably be suprised at the kind of help you could get from people. The hard thing is, you just have to come out and ask for it. Is there ANYONE you can ask?

[kel12347]

I PM'd you. Hang in there, you're coping very well!

[mitch04133]

Karen, I am sorry that you are going through this. Everyone's advice is the same as mine, and I just want you to know that I hope your son is ok, and I know that you are doing the best you can, and that is all you can do. Hang in there, and let us know how your doing.

[kel12347]

Pookey, how are you doing now?


If you think about it, you're actually making some improvement when your son is sick. Last time you almost left him for good, or were at least strongly considering it. This time, you let him lay next to you, called relatives to take care of him, and left - not permanently, just long enough for your anxiety to calm down to a tolerable level. So that is improvement. You did better than last time this happened, so don't beat yourself up.


Hope things are better now, for you and your son.

[gubba]

Kel you are right...last time you were ready to go forever and this time you actually held him, and got him help. What a great improvement in the last 2 weeks. This is a very difficult situation for any emet and you have done so well.


Don't forget that we are all here and ready to listen and help if we can. We care about you and your son, so keep up the good work and hang tight...you are doing fine

[pookey30]

Thankyou everyone for your kind words. I really do appreciate it.


Well, Today my son has had half a slice of dry toast this morning and half a slice this evening. I have been giving him cooled boiled water. He has been asking for sweets and dinner but I told him that his belly is asleep as it is tired from him being ill the night before and that you cant give his belly anything while it is asleep. He seemed to believe this.


Its 0151 here. I had an hour and a half sleep yesterday. I was asleep upstairs but he just came into my room so I have come out. I now feel like I need to sit on the toilet. My stomach is in knots. I can't bear him near me. Not because I dont love him! I am just so scared that he will v* again.


I have my 13 year old niece over. She came in the bed with me so that when I got out my son would still feel someone in the bed and hopefully think it is me so I can get out. Also she is great with v* so if he does it I wont have to be with him. She was here all last night with him with her stepdad too and they did everything for me. Including clearing up!!!


Last night when I was out I phoned my mum and stepdad to tell them what had happened. They are away for the weekend. My stepdad answered his mobile. My mum was asleep. Which isnt surprising as it was midnight. Anyway, neither of them phoned back today to see how he was or how I was coping. I also had an accident last night while I was out. They knew about this and still didnt call to check on us. This is my support network. The only people I have is my partners sister but she has 3 children of her own so she wouldnt be able to have mine if I went into hospital. I need to talk to my gateway worker on Monday and see if she has found out how long the waiting list is for my treatment. If she says 6 months I will have to have something else done. I cant live like this for another 6 months. I need a 13 year old to help me cope with my son.


A member of my partners family is coming over from Ireland in November. He is a trained hypnotherapist. He has tried to help me before without success. He will do some more work on me when he comes over. I hope he can do something for me. Even if it is only a little bit. Anything will be better than what I am going through now.


I am one of those rarer Emets. I fear others v*ing as much as I fear myself v*ing. Since yesterday morning all I have had is 1 slice of toast. Not that I feel s*, its just I cant eat as my stomach is in knots and has butterflies permenantly.


I'm clock watching now. 4 hours until my other half comes home from work. Then I have 5 nights with him here until the next dreded Friday night. I couldnt even bath my son tonight as last night he was in the bath when he first told me he felt s*. Now I associate his bath with that and I am too scared to bath him.


I feel like I am going mad! I just want this thing to stop and leave me and my family alone.


Thanks for taking the time to read my posts and reply.


Love to you all and best wishes.


Karen


xxx

[gubba]

Karen, I am so proud of you. You have stuck with it and taken care of him. Don't be sarcastic that a 13 year old is taking care of him...YOU got the 13 year old there and that is what matters. When kids are sick and we take them to the Dr. we aren't actually physically getting them well, but we are getting them to the people that can get them well. You did the same thing getting your neice there.Your son will be fine and so will you. You have done a super job and as well as any EMET could do.


Relax, your partner will be home soon and you can rest.

[crystalmom]

Karen,


You are doing wonderful! I haven't been around layely, and I have caught myself wondering about you so many times throughout my day. When I read your post, you cannot believe the warmth of proudness that came over me! You did so great that if I was in the UK, or anywhere near financially stable I would come there and hug you, just to let you know how damn (sorry) proud I feel to even know you through this site.


You handled your son's illness like a trooper, and although you had to go, it was only to calm yourself. You are so trying to get help and to beat this thing, that if anyone here deserves to be "cured" it is you. You may think you are weak, but I think you are one of the strongest people I have come across.


Kudos to you hun, as one mom to another, you are so strong!


Keep trudging along, you WILL make it, and hopefully you can get to the bottom of your son's recurrent illnesses. My son is 4 1/2 and we are thinking of you and your son, and his little sister too!!!!


Crystal [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]

[stella9]

You are doing so well. Your posts this time sound so different from the last time. We ALL feel exactly as you do. Having sick kids is about the worst. I can deal with all kinds of sick except the dreaded V***.


Last year my son and daughter got Fifth's Disease. All it is is a virus that shows up as a skin rash. Once you see the rash, it is no longer contagious. The kids have absolutely NO symptoms other than the rash. It lasts about three weeks or so. Anyway, I was chatting with some moms who were frantic about it and said they would take having their kids have a stomach virus any day over Fifth's Disease because the virus is over in 24 hours. I was shocked!!!! Then I thought of all of us here. Fifth's Disease would be so easy for all of us. A benign rash - no big deal.


I agree with what everyone here has written. You are doing great. You also need to have your son seen by a doctor just to make sure nothing serious is going on.


I am cheering for you.


Stella

[bexcelica]

Karen, I am sorry I didn't respond earlier. Your son sounds like such a
sweet sweet child and that he cares so much about you. It gave me
chills when I read that he was wiping your tears when you were crying.
you are so lucky to have a child like that, who cares so so much about
you.



I think you're doing good. You did leave, but you went back... even if
it was a few hours later, you went back. You got past your fears and
went back to your house - that is a BIG accomplishment. I am very very
proud of you. And to lay in your bed with your son after he was sick,
that is also a HUGE accomplishment, which I am also very proud of. Even
though he was sick in your bed, and you ran out, you put past the fact
that he was sick, and laid with him. You are such a good mom. Don't
worry about anything, you did what you could - and you did more than
you probably thought you could



Becky

[jennyleigh1975]

Karen, I am so sorry that I havent seen and replied to your post before now. I have been out of town. I think you need to focus more on what you have done, instead of the negative. You have been there, you havent actually left for good, have you???? Thats awesome. You layed in the bed with your son to comfort him after he had been sick. That is something that I have never been able to do. My youngest was sick one time and we thought she was feeling better, cause she wanted to go outsie and play, well .............. I was tying her shoes and she got "that look" I got up and ran, and left her the to v* all over the floor. All of us emet moms want to get up and leave when our kids are sick, and you know what .............. if you leave for a few hours, as long as someone is there to take care of them, there is nothing wrong with getting out for a little while. If you need a 13 yr old to help you with your son, there is nothing wrong with that. Help is help. I hope that you are able to get to see a doctor that can help you get this phobia under control. Please keep us posted on how you and your family are doing. We are here for you.

[harmonygirl72]

Karen,


I can't really add anything here that hasn't been said, but I wanted to let you know that I have AIM, Yahoo and MSN Messenger if you ever want to talk! I have no kids, but I have left the house and driven 3 hours to a boyfriend's house at 3am when my little sister was sick, so I know well the urge to RUN! I also am a teacher and have fled my own classroom whena kid was getting sick! So, as much as I can without being a mom, I feel your pain! I am online a lot if you ever need to talk.


AIM: harmonygirl1972


Yahoo: harmonygirl72


MSN: [email protected]


Mary

[wolfcry]

wow...Everything I'd like to say has already been said...I completly understand how you feel and what you are going through...I don't have any children yet but I can't imagine when I do how I am going to react...I'd like to think that I can del with it and handle it but I haven't been able to in the past...I too fear not only myself V but other people...It's not even the v itself that's so horrible..I mean year it's DISGUSTING but I think more that the actual V, it's getting up to the point..The anxiedty before someone does it...oh my goodness...Sometimes I think I"m going to just go insane when faced with that...But we just have to get a grip and somehow learn and find ways of dealing with it....oooh goodness...your son sounds so precious though...How sweet is sounds....

[gubba]

Wolfcry,


It is very difficult having a kid and being an EMET, but I can say this, you do learn to deal with it out of love and yes, I too run I guess in my own way. I try and make my husband take care of my son and he does sleep with him when he is S*. I have had to do it all day one day last spring and it was awful, but I guess in the panic of it all, I dealt with it and went nuts for a few days afterwards worrying I would get it. I can also tell you that to run is such a natural way to react, but if you know your kids are safe with someone and you can go, as an EMET, you are doing what is best for everyone. What kid wants to be with someone who is really little comfort.


KAREN,


You on the other hand ran, but only after getting help AND comforting your son. You are a winner in my book and I think that was so brave and great. I believe you need the help, but I already think you have come further than you did a few weeks ago. You are amazing!

[hollyjean]

hi. I just wanted to say i have alot of respect for you for what you have done, you must be such a strong person to cope with that! im 19 and cant even imagine having kids, the thought of them v* terrifies me Dont feel bad about leaving while he was sick, this was most likely better for him. If you get that anxious, and theres people who are able to take care of him for a while, then getting away will do both of you good, you will be able to relax a little, and he wont see you upset. Please dont feel bad about leaving him, i think all of us here will agree that you leaving him for a short while to be cared for by his aunt was the right thing for you both. I really hope he is feeling better soon xx

[meggy]

Karen,


I just wanted to agree with everyone else who has posted - you've done a great job. Even if you don't feel like it, you have still done the best by your son that you can possibly do. I think you are a great mum :O) And your son loves you heaps too. What a little trooper! He is so lucky to have you.


Hope things are getting better, and that you are able to find help to deal with this so you don't have to be terrified anymore.


Thinking of you,


Meg

[crystalmom]

Karen,


How is everything going now. I haven't seen you on, and wonder how everone is doing. Please let usknow how you are and your son!


Crystal

[jennyleigh1975]

How are things going? I hope you and your little ones are ok ............