Hey everyone, how've you all been?
It's been a while since I was on here, I've just been heaps flat out with work and buying a house and oh, just LIFE, you know... anyway, I wanted to share with you guys something that I hope will be really ENCOURAGING. It's kind of long story though, sorry bout that!
This isn't in the treatments thread, because, well, I'm not actually getting treated. But it seems like in the last few months since I found this site that my emet has been gradually getting less severe. I didn't really notice at first, but now I'm almost sure - let me share what's happened. I will try not to be graphic at all, but if you don't want the basic details then don't read on :O)
It seems like in the past few weeks I've had to deal with v* heaps more than usual. First I saw someone, well, you know, at a sports carnival. I was working so I couldn't freak and run away. But it was like I managed to catch myself before i freaked and I said to myself really firmly "YOU ARE FINE." And i was ok! I didn't lose it at all! I was so proud! The same day I saw a separate "unpleasant sight" (the stuff not the act) and again I was like "you survived that, so you'll handle this" and I did. What a day! I hated it, and I still replayed it in my head like, for a week (I couldn't help it) but I thought of you guys, and how you would understand and encourage me to be strong, and I was cool.
Anyway, it seemed to happen heaps in the last few weeks, but everytime I felt a little less panicked. One time I was hiking up a steep hill with my pack on, on school camp. The hill was 800m ascent in 2km (WAY STEEP) and one kid got sick right up in front of me. I yelled "Sorry, can't handle it!!" and laughed, and the kids laughed too, and I crawled through the bush around that part of the track, then I damn well RAN up that hill so that I would be way in front of him (did it in HALF the recommended time - yeah!) but I found i was so calm I could even talk to him when he made it up the top and ask him if he was okay, and even gave him some water from my bottle into his. WOW - I astounded myself.
The real test came one week ago yesterday. I woke in the middle of the night with a full blown V* virus. (I'm in Australia, and I didn't leave the house, so don't worry, none of you will get it!!) I was so damn sick. In between times it was the worst, cause the fear monster would come creeping in, but I just prayed andspoke wordsto myself "I'll be okay, I'll be okay, I'll be okay." I won't tell you details cause it was not fun. My sistershad the exact same thing at the same time, one ended up in hospital. My mother-in-law got it too when she was staying with us, so i had to cope with her illness as well. I thought I would crack.But the bottom line is, when I got better I felt so EUPHORIC because even though I was still afraid, I was strong and for once I didn't just want to end it all and die. Am I getting better?? I hardly dare to hope so!
You guys on this forum rock! I thought of you the whole time, and what you would say, and how you would understand, and I totally beleive that it was you who made the difference to me. You really have changed my life! I love you all :O) I'm praying for each one of you, if thats ok. Also I found something in the Bible I wanted you to know: 1 John 4:18 (even if you don't normally care what it says)
"perfect love drives out fear"
I'm still afraid. But we can get over this, cause we support each other.
Love you all heaps, hope I can help you as much as you've helped me :O)
Meg[img]smileys/smilies_14.gif[/img]
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