excuse the rant

[case]

there is one thing that particularly irritates me, which i've been reading about lately on this particular forum, and that is codependency. as a male "emet" i am expected by modern times toprovide for a woman and take care of her. at the same time i mustmanage to do the same for myself. i have no problem with that, but it's additional stress to a male in generalbecause he is seen in the world's eyes as a pillar ofstrength and fiscal responsibility.maybe this sheds a little light on why a male feels more inadequate, insecureand obligated to hide his phobia from the outside world.i am willing to bet a female emethas a better chance of entering a relationship via support of a healthy, strong, competent, and wealthy male who can bend over backwards for her than a male does from a woman because of the said gender roles already etched in stone.how can we buy nice cars if we can barely keep jobs let alone take you to a restaurant if we're concerned about how the meals are prepared?what pisses me off is the fact some of the women who suffer from emetophobia on here are whining about never finding another man quite like a previous lover that"took care of them". some of us have yet to find that protective unit once. when will the guys be taken care of? when will they have their heads rubbed in dire situations, betreated to chocolate covered pretzels, and receive invitations to go on luxurious cruises? reciprocity is no longer present.

[confusedgirl]

Well I'm a female, but that would definitely bother me if I was a
male.. it bothers me now as a female! I am tired of guys trying to take
care of me, it is like I have to beg them to go away and let me be on
my own. My boyfriend still doesn't understand why I like to be alone
when I'm sick, and he is constantly trying to take care of me, when
really I would just like to be left alone sometimes. And then like
every time I go hang out with guy friends, they want to pay. I don't
want anyone paying for me! I pay for myself, I can take care of myself
-_-;; sorry for this rant too ^^'' but there are some girls like myself
that really don't like or expect a guy to take care of them (in fact, I
like to be the one to take care of people [friends and my boyfriend] -
pay for them and everything, I just can do absolutely nothing when
they're sick..)

[chicajojobe]

I understand that it's a lot of pressure if you feel like society
expects that from you, and I know that's why a lot of men don't seek
help when they have problems like emet since they don't feel they can
ever tell anyone.



It's funny though because a lot of what you're talking about is the
same concerns that female emets have. I know that the possibility of
emet keeping me from getting my degree or holding down a job is
terrifying, and if something like that does come to pass that I would
feel like a total loser. Emet also keeps women from from being the
pilar of strength that they're supposed to be. An ideal woman is one
who can have a career and keep everyone in her family healthy and
emotionally sane with her levelheadedness and strength.....how exactly
is that supposed to work when you're disinfecting every surface with
bleach any time someone in your family has a tummy ache?



You're kind of hostile to the women on this board, but if you really
look at what you just said you want the exact same thing they do. It
isn't a male thing or a female thing...its just a human thing. We all
want someone who we can rely on when the going gets rough. At the same
time it's nice to be needed, obviously us female emets are not
very good at helping our husbands/boyfriends when they're sick but I'm
sure if you asked the females they'd be able to come up with other ways
in which they support their men.



As for the women here who talk about not finding good boyfriends who
take care of them. I'm sure they don't mean someone who supports them
financially.....none of us here are on the prowl for sugar daddies
right?

When some of the female emets say "take care of" I think they really
just mean someone who accepts them for who they are including emet and
all the subsequent annoyances it causes, and that's the samething you
talked about wanting right? I know that a lot of emets like to be alone
when they aren't feeling well, so in that way having a guy who always
tries to take care of you, like confusedgirl said, can get annoying.





I hope you feel better soon




Edited by: chicajojobe

[ontariogirl]

Well put chicajojobe, I feel the same way as you.
case I am sorry for how you are feeling at this time, but chicajojobe is so right. When I am feeling sick to my stomachI don't want my man or anyone around me at all.
I treat my hubby the same way he treats me. If he needs a back rub, I will do it, if he is sick in bed with the flu I am the one who is rubbing vicks on his chest, checking to make sure his temp hasn't gone up. I do special things for him as he does for me.
We all become frustrated at times with this phobia. I understand that way back when it's the "men" who are the strong ones, who go to work to support their families and come home to dinner on the table. People have to realize that those times have changed.

[kel12347]

I definitely don't expect my b/f to take care of my financially. We've been living together 2 years now, and split the bills equally (he contributes a little more to savings, only because he makes 10K more than me). I do expect him to contribute to taking care of me emotionally. Of course, I'm doing most of that work in therapy myself, but I do expect him to be supportive, and allow me to have time to work on my therapy homework, which he does. He thinks some of the tasks are a little weird, but says they're all worth it if I get better. In August, I went through about 3 weeks of sheer hell with anxiety. I was 100% terrified, 100% of the time. My b/f was wonderful about it, even though I didn't ask him to be. He bought me crossword puzzles to keep my mind off of things, let me cry on his shoulder, and tried to convince me to eat. He of course couldn't fix the problem, but he did little things that made life a little easier. If he had the same problem, you can bet I would do the exact same thing for him. I take care of him when he's sick (except when he's vomiting, then he's on his own), and I let him know every day how much he means to me. Also, when my anxiety was so bad, I was just about ready to quit my job because I could not make it through the day. I struggled through three weeks of hell at work b/c I don't want to be someone who lets anxiety keep them in a cage and be dependent on a man for everything - I was raised to be dependent on myself.


Ok, rant done. But like a previous poster said, I don't think any of us are looking for sugar daddies. And I'm sure you'll find a girl who will accept your emet. She may not like it (my b/f hates it), but he accepts it as a part of me.

[2jo2]

I think we all, men and women, just want to be "taken care of", meaning we want to be loved, accepted and have a place where we feel safe. You just haven't found the right woman for you if you haven't found these things.... and please believe me when I say that most women aren't out to find a man that will support them financially and take and take without giving. That's just a selfish person. A relationship is equal, no matter what. I make twice as much money as my husband, but it benefits us both, there's no issue. We support each other when one is up and the other is down. Every person has some kind of weakness, and ours happens to be the phobia. I hope you find the support you need.

[shiva]

You have a lot of good points. But, I think it's about equal. Imagine being an emet mommy. I don't think there's anything worse about this phobia. I do feel for you though, and you made good points that I hadn't thought about concerning emet men. We just all have to do what our loved ones say and "Get over it!" As if it's that easy, eh?

[chicajojobe]

Hey I have an idea case, if you have trouble taking dates out to dinner
they maybe you coud like invite them over to dinner instead? Atleast
that way if you prepared all the food you'd know it was safe [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]





Hehe, I was just joking about that but in all seriousness maybe we
could create a tread where emet men can go and talk to each other? I
know some of the others here have expressed similar concerns. I also
understand that it could be intimidating here since this board is....I
don't know maybe 70 or 80 percent female. Maybe you guys would feel
more understood if there was a place where you knew other guys would
respond?
Edited by: chicajojobe

[ontariogirl]

I like what 2jo2 put down. Perfect!

[mommyof3]

I'm surprised thisthread didn't get more ugly. People do what they have to do. I worked to put my hubby through school--master's--at a nursing home no less. Can you imagine a much worse place for an emet to work? And yes, now he is the primary bread-winner (I still work part time at the nursing home), but like Shiva said, imagine being a mommy with emet. I've been v* on more times than I can count. But I get through it because I have to. I've made my choices. All my life I wanted to be a mom. So I'm sorry, but I don't agree. I see what you are saying that it may be "easier" for a woman to find somebody who is able to care for her financially if she is completely debilitated by this phobia, butI feel badly forher and certainly not jealous of her.I'm glad I've been forced to work through this--with the help of my very emotionally supportive husband--a quality I think you can find in either gender which to me is much more important.

[murphy]

Well said Mommyof3.


Murphy

[japa]

case, What you are talking about here are societal pressures to conform to gender roles, and those pressures are experienced by both men and women. As many of the women here have pointed out, the expectation that a woman be nurturing, both to husband and children, is one that is incredibly engrained in our culture. How often in television commercials do you see sick children being taken care of by a man? It's usually by the mother. So emet mothers constantly have to face the fear that they are not being nurturing enough to their sick children and other family members. So as you can see, gender roles make us all feel bad from time to time. I do believe that men are pressured more than women not to admit fear, so that is probably much harder for male emets who feel that they shouldn't admit the phobia.


That said, I am a single woman with no plans to marry, nor have I even had a long term relationship in years. Not all women are looking for financial supportor evento be taken care of emotionally.