Please help :( Problem with Eating

[*mandi*]

Hi. I am recently new to this board, I have already posted a message. But here is another.


I am really scared. Its hard for me to explain. But I have anxiety and panic attacks and I think they are from me being terrified of V* ITs getting to the point that thats allI think about all day. As soon as I wake up each morning I think "Am I going to be sick today?"


I feel nauseated all the time. I am constantly taking Dramamine to help with the nausea. This hole month it has really taken over me. I sit here and cry all day b.c I am so scared. I don thave a job b.c this is so dibilitating. I have no medical coverage to get help. I have lost so much weight and I am Under weight....And I just cant eat anything. I try to force myself to eat, but the thought of V* is always in my head.


Im always afraid I mgiht V* everytime I eat something. So I have been eating less and less. And its raelly taking a toll on me. Im really scared. Does anyone else ever get like this? Does anyone have any advice on what I can do? Its really bad tonite and I am flipping out!


I cant calm myself down, and I cant eat anything as hard as I try to without feeling like im going to V*! I cant stop crying. Im scared!


I feel so stupid ranting on and on like this...But I have no one to talk to!! [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[kel12347]

Hi Mandi, I definitely know where you're coming from. About three weeks ago, I was in the exact same situation, couldn't eat, and all my brain would let me think about was v*. My advice is to get some food into your stomach, because not eating is making you feel worse. Start with foods that you feel are safe, like crackers, toast, or applesauce. That's what I started with. Eat slowly, take as much time as you need. And you will feel anxiety and worry about v* while you are eating. But keep telling yourself that you are okay, and that you are safe. Also, try to eat small meals several times a day, since it will be difficult to eat a large meal.


Good luck!

[*mandi*]

I've had a problem with my weight my whole life. I was really skinny as a kid and now even at 24 im still very thin. So this is very hard for me. Im scared something might happen to me.


Im trying to eat some bread right now. Ihope this helps. I hate getting like this. I just wish I could control my mind. These thoughts just seem to take over. I use to be able to control them. But not anymore.


Thanks for replying to my post. Its good to know there are people out there who understand me, where as everyone that is close to me thinks im weird.

[bexcelica]

i eat too much so i cant really help you, but dont ever feel stupid ranting about anything here

[*mandi*]

Thanks Bex. Im glad there are people here to talk to. IT makes things a little bit easier to know that I am not alone in this!

[mommyof3]

The dramamine probably doesn't do much for the depression because it can make you so tired, huh?


This is the irony of the internet, we have all found people we can comiserate with but are so physically removed there isn't a damn thing we can do for each other irl. Frustrating.


Are you in school? If so, could you see a counselor there? Do you work? Even if you don't have insurance through work a lot of time places of employment have EAP's where the company has a contract with a mental health professional for all of their employees. What about a minister, rabbi, priest, someone who may not necessarily be able to counsel you but who could point you in the direction of where to find help? You just sound so miserable I am wracking my brain trying to figure out how to help you. In the meantime, let it all out here.

[*mandi*]

The dramamine probably doesn't do much for the depression because it can make you so tired, huh





Paula-I think I am so use to taking Dramamine that it doesnt make me tired anymore. Maybe just a little bit, but not anymore.


I am 24 years old. Im jobless b.c I get very bad panic attacks whenever I leave the house. I did find a center here for people with low income. I am going there to get "rated" next week. Which means they tell me how much I have to pay...yada...yada...yada...then from there hopefully I can find someone to help me. But it can only be through their medical branch. So I dont raelly have much of a choice with doctors to chose from.


Ever since I found this site the other day i feel some sort of relief. But most the time I sit here alone all by myself while my boyfriend works all nite. And when Im alone I tend to think about bad things more and more!

[pianolover]

Dear Mandi, good for you for eating that bread!! I feel just like you so often (I'm a 20-year-old girl). The girl who is now my roommate took me to the emergency room in March because I had decided I was too scared to eat anymore. I told her it was because of my depression - and I still haven't told her about my phobia, though I want to soon! Do you live with your boyfriend? Is he supportive of you? My roommate Jane is really good at convincing me to eat. Maybe you could ask him to try to help you stick to some sort of eating schedule and make sure you are getting enough nutrients, even if you can't handle the three meals a day thing. I hope you are feeling better! Is there any food that still interests you? like chocolate or ice cream or something really yummy? [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[samara's on tv]

I used to be like that too. I was so bad that I was down to 110 pounds and I'm 5'10, I had a really great therapist who talked me through it. I completely understand where you are coming from. I think PianoLover is right, try talking to someone close to you and see if they can talk you into eating...it really helped me!


~Monica

[littlebebe]

All i can say is that i feel 100x worse if i dont eat, so i have to
force myself, the only advice i can give is only try to eat things that
you feel safe eating, which will hopefully keep the anxiety down, i
never eat until im completely full as this makes me feel nauseas as
well, little meals regularly seem to be best, even if you just have
something like an alpen bar or something, just so your sugar level
doesnt drop too low.



Sorry i cant be of more help.

[kel12347]

Mandi, good job on eating the bread. Keep up the good work. I can definitely sympathize that at night when you're alone the negative thoughts can get worse. A couple of different things help me when that happens. They don't work all the time, but they certainly help. First, try a crossword puzzle, or read. Whatever totally engages your brain. When I was going through my bad time my b/f bought me a bunch of crossword and logic problem books, and those helped some of the time. Also, when the bad thoughts come, replace them with something else. Imagine yourself on the beach, or tell yourself that you are safe, and that you are okay. Repeat these things over and over and over until the negative thoughts stop.


Keep us posted!

[trinity_13]

Mandi i really feel for you hun as i am still in the position you are. I've been living on a few cookies a day for near enough 3 years now, once a week i can manage a smallpotato and very occasionaly i will have some crisps (on a good confident day!) It is so very hard to be so terrified of v* that you starve yourself to eliminate the possibility of it happening. One of the big problems is the nausea, i had constant nausea and of course because i felt ill i didn't want to eat, the thing is trying to realise the difference between what is bad nausea and what is hunger nausea, when you are so terrified of nausea and v* any nausea makes you starve yourself, just in case


The only advice i can give is find a safe food and build on it slowly even if it is only half a slice of bread it is better than nothing, but take it real slow in building up your intake, you need to get confidence in a food in order to move on. Take as much time as you need. I really do sympathise with you as i, and others here know how terrifying it is to feel the threat from v* is and also how isolating it feels to just not eat.


Take care

[tcsarah]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. I know it's the hardest thing right now, but try and eat, as having an empty stomach will only make you feel worse. When I am really anxious my stomach churns so very badly, I have to force food down, so know how it feels to have to eat when you really don't want to. I find eating sloppy foods easier - like soups, mashed potatoes, rice pudding, tinned fruit,or if I have something dry washing it down with a glass of water helps. Steamed fish and plain bolied rice are very easy on the stomach, and bananas are easy to digest, could you try any of these? It may be worth buying some nutritional supplements, in UK we have Complan, in US I think there is something called Ensure.


Don't ever feel stupid in the way you feel - we all know what you are going through and can totally empathize. Coming here and 'ranting' (as you put it!) does us the world of good, so don't ever feel embarassed.


Have you considered asking your doctor for a medication to help with your anxiety, or maybe a course of anti-depressants that will help with anxiety and depression. And of course, therapy would be a good way forward. It must be difficult though when you have to pay for things (as you will know we have free health care here in UK) and money is tight. Taking dramimine is treating the symptom and not the cause - it's anxiety causing the nausea you feel so treating this would help you more.


I wish you all the very best and hope you can find something that will help, Please keep us updated with how you are doing and feel free to rant away whenever you like [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]. Take care.


Tracey

[crystalmom]

Hi Mandi....You are telling me a story I lived. I can tell you that I lived EXACTLY the way you do now. I barely slept, in fear of v*, I lived on peppermint tea, I constantly took Gravol (anti-emetic), never ate. Couldn't face the outside world. I feel your pain, and I know, believe me, I know.


I am 5"9', and right now I weigh in at about 135 lbs, which is just right for me. I am still skinny, yet don't look gross. BUT, about 9-10 years ago, i went down to 112 lbs. I cannot tell you how horrid I felt.


This is my advice, this is how i got well (to be able to function normally again). I went to my doctor, I researched the hell (sorry) about panic disorder. I started taking anti-depressents, which I still take. I began to eat. Believe it or not, eating actually helps with the constant n*. It takes time and it takes support. If you have no support there, you will find it here. You CAN get better. You CAN be 'normal'. You CAn fight this.


I KNOW now, through years of fighting this, that if I wasn't an emet, I wouldn't have panic disorder. But, I DO have emet, so I DO have panic disorder.Things can and will get better for you. Find what will help you.


Also, when it comes to the anti-emetics, I stopped taking them after a night that I overdosed b/c I was so out of it, that I took more. I started to hallucinate. I only recently started taking them, ONLY if I truely believe I need one. Maybe once in a year.


I am 28 now, but at 18, I was a mess. I empathazise with you. I can completely relate. You can email me, or msn me anytime!


Crystal


[email protected]

[crystalmom]

Ps guys....I am going to bitch right now about the US....why in the world can't they have free health care? I mean, they wonder why there are homeless people, and so many problems. Thereare people out there who need help and doctoral advice, and they can't get it! I am lucky to live in Canada, although I will say thatI don't have enough coverage to cover RX's, so that is a HUGE hunk of money every month. It is so frustrating hearing people, like yourselves, who can't even go to a doc, b/c they don't have coverage. [img]smileys/smilies_07.gif[/img] It makes me sooooo mad. I'm goingto invite you all to stay at my house, then maybe you can get some help! LOL! If only it were that easy.


Crystal

[harmonygirl72]

Grrr!! I know, Crystal! I was just chatting with an emet in Germany, and she was saying that therapy is FREE over there! I am so jealous!

[*mandi*]

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. I do have Panic disorder. And I was on Paxil a few years ago, but had to stop taking it b.c I had no money to pay for it or any other medical care.


I've been off Paxil for about 3 years now. And I was dealing with my Anxiety and V* Phobia pretty well. But It has hit me really hard this past year, and right now it is unbearable. Its really hard to deal with this and panic disorder. I have no job, or any money.


I live with my boyfriend, and I finally told him what was going on b.c he wanted to know why I wasnt eating. And he just yells at me He doesnt understand how it feels at all. And it just makes me feel even worse that he can yell at me like that.


This is very scary to me. I get so stressed out when I cant eat anything. I always think that Im going to die b.c I am so thin. Im just really scared for my life

[suzy.o]

Hi hun, dont feel alone, I went down to 5st over it but eventually your common sence will take over like mine did, and by the way at the moment I to feel constant nausea due to thinking about it every waking minute so whatever your going through there is someone else that are in your shoes, Its awful and yes I feel alone and cry a lot to and Im 40! but I know we will recover I promise, You will get better, Its torture now and it seems there is no end to it but there is, I'll think of you every day as you are going through the same as me, I RECOVER from it all the time like we all do, you are going through a bad episode and it wont last. Best wishes to you and soldier on.

[gubba]

Mandi,


I am on and off in your situation, but over hte many years of dealing with this, I too found that the less I ate, the worse it all got. i felt worse, i got more upset, i got even worse feeling and it just kept spinning downward. I did eat safe foods like toast, crackers and bananas, applesauce, and then i would feel better and I worked my way to pudding with lots of calories. I then could make it to ice cream and then real food. Trust me, it is not easy and I can't say that I don't get like you. I am not skinny, 5'4", 135 lbs., but I was not always this heavy. I found that eating made me better and I was told by a friend that you think less about V* if you don't feel so ill all the time and food, small amounts all day kept me from having that yuck feel.


We are in a vicious cycle and there seems no way out, but there is a way to manage it. We have some sorts of free health care in Tennesssee and I think that there are clinics throughout the US that can certainly provide you with some sort of therapy at no charge. Call around and see if someone will talk to you.


In the meantime, this place is a great help and no one here thinks you are ranting since we all can relate. you will feel some sort of relief in knowing that there is usually someone here and ready to help. I have certainly gotten a better feel for what we have and knowing you are not alone is like hitting a safe place...

[*mandi*]

I am going to a clinic for people with low income next week to see what kind of medical benefits i can get. The only problem is...I live in Cleveland, Ohio and there are so many people here that go to this clinic and whenyou try to make an appointment, you cant get into until a month later...sometimes longer than that!


Im afraid by then I will wither away. I have never felt this bad before. And it doesnt seem like it is going away. Ive been like this for a month now. ITs all I think about anymore. IS how I feel sick all the time, How its hard for me to eat, and if i eat this..will it make me sick or feel worse. I can barely swallow the food that i try to eat. And to top it off, I keep getting Diareah, and then I feel even worse. It is a neverending battle with me.


No one that I am close to understands how it feels to have this phobia. I get yelled at and treated like a child. Im told I need to "grow up" and your gonna die if you dont eat. ITs very hard on me. I have always been self conscious about myself. And I hate being skinny and underweight. I just want this feeling to go away [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[gubba]

I know how you feel. I get D* a lot and I have now gotten to where I don't eat a lot of foods with fat since they make D* worse. No one who doesn't have this phobia can really understand and they think it is weird and crazy. My husband does understand that I just freak out about it and he is very good to me. Does her understand it?....PROBABLY NOT!! he is very nice about it and does tolerate my fear. I have a son that I try to hide it from, so I keep a lot in and only tell my husband and my mother. My mother thinks it's a nutty way to be, but she has a great way of talking me out of feeling yuck and she convinces me that food will not hurt me and I do eat. Try some soup. It goes down well and it will coat your tummy and make you feel so much better. I can't tell you not to get help, but I can tell you that until you do, you must get some nutrition and the bread it a great start, but add some soup or cereal or even those drinks like ENSURE or baby food. Baby food is so easy to digest and you can work your way up.


I want you to know that you can always get a good ear here and you may feel bery scared and alone and I feel that way at times, but this place is an enormous help and a place to talk and get advice.

[*mandi*]

Thanks Gubba. I've been sticking with bread and even tried some peanut butter with it.


I dont really tell anyone in my family how I am. The only person I do talk to at times in my younger sister b.c she has been like this before too, but not as bad. I dont talk to my mother about it. She worries about me too much. She doesnt understand about Anxiety and Panic attacks and my fear of V*


Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and he understands that I get Panic Attacks and that I have anxiety...but he doesnt understand where the anxiety comes from...the fear of V*. I try to explain it to him...He just doesnt get it. He yells at me, and says Ill get sick of I dont eat. He doesnt understand how hard it is for me to eat. He tells me "just eat". Ugh. I fianlly broke down and started crying last night and i told him "please just tell me everythign willbe ok" and he said he would tell me to eat everyday and make sure that i do eat. But everytime he says that I start to cry b.c i think of how hard it is for me to eat when I feel like this. I really hate this. I feel like Ive wasted so much of my life b.c of this fear!! I just want to be happy and feel good for once.

[panik kills]

i know exactly what you are going through mandi.


man for the longest time i thought i was the only one who stopped eating because of this fear. but at least i know i am not alone. i got to the point were my dad almost took me to the hospital because i wouldnt anything because i thought, if i ate then i would get sick from it. i know exactly how it feels, but let me tell you, dont let this fear take you to the point where you wont eat. it can only make it worse, it can only make the fear get more into your head. dont let it win!!! you can pull through this. we all can. this fear will never go away but we can all make it not as bad. i know that when i wasnt eating it made me even more depressed it made my panik attacks increase to many a day. i wouldnt talk to other people. so i do feel with you. try eating little at a time and if it helps drink some water after every bite. and try to distract your mind from thinking about v. it works for me and i hope it works for you.


i hope i was some bit of help.


good luck. and i hope the panik attacks decrease.

[panik kills]

oh yeah and i agree try to talk to somebody about it,


i went to a therapest for a while and she helped Alot she gave me a lot of great tips tohelp my anxiety attacks decipate. think about seeeing someone. i know the thought is scary (it was for me) but it really does help


okay hope you feel better


peacenlove

[*mandi*]

Thanks Panik...Im trying not to think about it. But it is very hard. This happened to me really bad like this a few years ago, and I was going crazy and I still lived at home with my family, my mom took me to the emergency room and I tried explaining to them about my problem I was having...and they treated me like I was annorexic. Which I am not. I dont eat b.c I think im too fat or anything...which is not the case!@ I wish I could be fat and gain weight. I dont eat b.c I feel to sick too. So they locked me up in some bahavioral center treating me like I was bulemic. They said they were going to watch me eat and make sure I dont make myself V*!!! I was appalled! They had me in tehre for the wrong reason.


I just cant trust doctors anymore. They all think Im annorexic...I really hate it.


But I have been trying to eat small things all throughout the day. And im trying not to hink about all of this and this feeling. but it sure is hard!

[panik kills]

i know what you mean. people thought i was had a eating disorder too. when i didnt. i know what you mean. it is hard to eat with this fear. and i hope you start to feel better. keep up eating the small things. i really wish you lots of luck.

[crystalmom]

Mandi,


Just wanted to make a quick comment about your b/f. I know it is hard when thyey yell at you or get mad. Although I am still young (28), I have been married, and now getting divorced and I have learned so much from my mom. 1. He feels bad for not being able to help...so he gets angry at you. He really is frustrated with HIMSELF b/c he can't do anything. Men are not good with this type of stuff alot of the time. 2. When trying to explain this to him use 15 words max. Otherwise you lose him. Say to him "Explain to me how YOU think this feels?" Not in a mean way, but gently and loving. Ask questions that he might be able to answer, and be short with your responses. I find this gets 'in" better. Maybe this can be helpful.


I think alot of us here have been told we are anorexic or bulemic (how ironic is that), I suggest you go to the treatments part of the sight and Sage has made up a great thing to take to your doc, or for family. I printed it off for my b/f, and it helps coming from someone else, plus she is a doc, who has overcome emet. Check it out it is so amazing to read it, and it might help to take it to that clinic next week as well, not to mention give your b/f to read over.


Keep in touch [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]


Crystal

[*mandi*]

I will have to ask him that Crystal. I just hope he understands and doesnt think im some sort of weirdo. Usually I can control this feeling and it will subside. But I just cant seem to snap out of it. Im starting to shake really bad again, and crying, and panicking...Im alwyas so scared I cant relax no matter how hard i try to.

[crystalmom]

Mandi,


You can calm down, just try to remember how you did it before. It is hard to snap out of it, we all know. We all have "slumps" and this too shall pass. Keep strong girl, you have support.


We are here, and you can do it.


Good luck!


Crystal

[angel13]

*hugs* I know just how you feel, Mandi - I'mkindathe same this week. It sucks when the thought of eating controls your life, and meal times become so stressful. Though its true - you do feel worse if you haven't eaten much. Your body will be weak, and that's not good - usually you will find that once you start eating, you're ok. While you're doing so, you just have to drive those horrible thoughts from your mind. Its tough, I know, but if you can do it, you're doing well.


I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said, but I agree with all the advice given here. Distraction might sound like it won't work, but it has been my saviour on many occasions - if you can spend some time with some old friends, or go out and do something you love, you may be able to give your mind a break from all the worrying. I know you said it is tough for you to leave the house, but even if you don't go far, you'll feel like you have accomplished something if you can bring yourself to focus on something else for a little while - you'll feel really good. ^_^


We're all here to lend a helping hand, so any time at all you're having trouble coping, just remember you can always come here and talk to us! You can catch me on MSN, if you have it, or email me if you like: [email protected]


Keep us posted on how you're doing. You're gonna be ok!