Not sure what to do.

[jennyleigh1975]

I will try to make a long story short. I have a grandmother that died today. She is my biological fathers mother. I havent seen my biological father in three years. My mothers parents raised me, after she was killed in a car wreck when I was almost two. I never saw my biological father until I was 21. There were reasons whay my g-parents didnt want him to be in my life. When I was 19 my half-sister called me one day, out of the blue. (We have the same father, different mothers.) I was extremely pregnant at the time, I think I gave birth 4 days after she called me. I talked to her, but pretty much told her that I was not ready to deal with starting up a relationship with her at that point. Not only was I about to give birth, but my g-daddy had just been diagnosed with lung cancer. Well, two yrs later, I called her, my curiosity about my "other" family finally got to me. So my husband went with me and I met them. I really wanted a relationship with my half-sister, and my grandmother (the one that died today) but my father I wasnt so sure about. I couldnt really get them to tell me anything about my mother, that bothered me, not to metion the fact that he missed several years of my life .............. which I know wasnt really in his control, but anyway ............................. my half-sister and I kept in touch off and on for several years, but about two yrs ago, I broke things off, actually, I think she made me mad about something and I quit answering the phone when she called, and eventually she quit calling. Well, she calls today to tell me about our grandmother dying, and I dont know how to handle this. I mean, I havent seen her in a couple of years, nor have I talked to her. I dont know if I should call my half-sister back or not, I dont know that I would go to the funeral. I dont know what I should do. I have been thinking about my half-sister an awful lot here lately, and wanted to call her, but havent done it yet. I dont know, I dont know what to do ..................

[trickyvicky]

Jennyleigh i don't know u ,but i think u should call your half sister,even if its to put your own mind at rest.....Life is too short to hold grudges and i know sometimes people do alot of things to hurt us and its hard to forgive but i think if u were the adult one here and rose above this situation and called back,i just think it shows respect for u and your family.....I wish in life i had been able to sort things out with my family a few yrs ago but to this day,i have no contact with any of my family members,this includes my parents and brother who has just had a baby boy last mon.....so i know its hard and it seems like u have had a tough time but this is a good oppurtunity to build bridges and try and sort things out with your half sister....


well i hope i havent said anything to upset or hurt u....but i hope u sort things out either way....and i'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother....


take care for now vicky x

[mommyof3]

Family situations like this are so hard. I have a half sister, too, and although I knew her my whole life, we weren't very close and still aren't. I think you should probably call her, but as for going to the funeral, you need to decide. I figure there are two reasons to go to a funeral 1) if you are close the person who died so you can say good bye/have closureor 2) if you are close to the people the death affects you go to give support. If you don't need to go for yourself, and if you don't feel close enough to your dad or your half sister to feel like you need to "be there for them" then maybe you shouldn't go. But, on the other hand, like vicky said, life is short and maybe you will regret not calling/not going later.


I'm a spiritual person, and I can't help but feel like this situation could be used for good--to build bridges again with your half-sister.


Good luck with your decision. Whatever you decide is right for you!!!

[bexcelica]

oh my god, thats such a horrible position to be in. i wish you the best
of luck. i thin kyou shoudl follow your instincts on this. would it be
worth it to go ? should you call back? i dont think any of us can
answer that, only you, but you know we're all here for support.



becky

[samara's on tv]

I would definately call her back and I would definately go to the funeral. I think that the best way for you to even have closure is to go to the funeral and talk to your half sister. You may not have been able to get close to your g-mother but by talking with your half sister you can learn more about her and her life. I know that my own sister is my best friend so maybe you two can patch things up. Good luck on your desicion.


~Monica

[tcsarah]

I have to say, I wholeheartedly agree with what the others have said - I think you should definitely ring your half-sister. You said yourself you've been thinking about her a lot lately and wondering whether to get back in touch, well now you have the perfect opportunity. As somebody else said, life's too short to hold grudges, and if you can't remember what it was she said to make you mad, it can't have been so very bad! Regards the funeral, I would probably go if I were in your position, but at the end of the day if you really don't think you should, go with that instinct, just make sure you get in touch with your half-sister whatever happens as I think you may regret it if you don't.


Hope things work out ok.


Tracey

[jennyleigh1975]

I think that I am going to call her, but I dont think I am going to go to the funeral. I havent seen any of them in almost two years now, and I dont think this is the time for me to just show up. I couldnt just go and blend in either, because my half-sister and I look so much alike, everyone would know who I was. I am going to call her, I just dont know what to say. Its just so hard to mend fences sometimes ..............

[stella9]

Boundaries, boundaries -----


This is a tough situation, but with some relatively straightforward solutions. I wrote boundaries at the top of this note because that is what this really about - where the boundaries should be.


Families come in many different shapes and sizes these days. DNA connections may define the word family in a a literal sense, but figuratively family is about those people who nurture you, make you feel complete, care for you and live along side of you in all of your life ventures.


As for your biological father - No matter what your grandparents wanted, if your father wanted a relationship with you, one would have been had. There are laws written in every state that encourages a parental relationship IF the parent wants ones and pursues it. Apparently he chose to not develop one with you for whatever reason(s) he may have had.


You may be cordial and call your half-sister and then attend the funeral, nothing more or less. You don't have to ingratiate yourself into their lives nor do you have any obligations to them emotionally or legally. You have enough on your plate with your own family and in-laws. You don't need, nor should you get sucked into any already existing dramas.


I know this sounds harsh, but I guess my 14 years of being a private investigator (even though I am primarily acorporate investigator) has taught me enough about family scenarios. The problems always arise from someone feeling guity about a mess not made by them. Don't feel guilty or obligated.


Hope this helps a little.


Stella

[sage]

Yes, I recommend calling her too. Don't worry about what to say, the words will come. Start by saying something like "I don't know what to say" !


As for the funeral, you may want to try this (Jungian) exercise: write in large letters "GO TO THE FUNERAL" on one sheet of paper, and STAY HOME FROM THE FUNERAL" on another. Put them on a table, one to your right and one to your left. Sit there for a moment and try not to THINK (logically). Just see which "side" you're more sort of "drawn towards". Which one sort of "stands out in bold" for you? That's the route your heart really wants to go, and you should follow it. Once you've decided, be clear that your decision was YOURS it was VALID and it was EXACTLY the right thing to do. Then there is no "guilt" involved.


All the best!