OT but could use some advise

[Hale]

I am crying at the moment because none of my family is talking to me. When things are good between us we are all really close but when things are bad a lot of hurt from when I first became 'ill' with these problems and my family didn't handle it well comes flooding back.
I have never liked my sisters fiance as he has done lots of things that were wrong and I can justify my dislike for him. I had huge problems getting my sister to be a bridesmaid for my wedding and for 6 months I felt I was walking on eggshells around her so she didn't drop out. My Mum and Dad also disliked my sisters fiance for the first year they were together but as they have got to know him better he hasd grown on them, but he has always steered clear of me and never made an effort because apparently I scare him. Anyway, after much toing and froing about whether he was coming to the wedding he did come and I did make an effort but I found out from one of my friends at work he introduced himself to her at the evening reception and said, 'but I suppose you know all about me because Hayley is always bitching about me.'I think this was out of order but didn't make a big deal out of this. When it came to deciding on our photographs we decided to go with one of myself, my husband and parents rather than the one of myself, husband, parents, sister and her fiance. When she aked me why I said @why would I want with with HIM on after what he said about me to Suzie?' End of story as far as I was concerned. 5 minutes later I turned to her and asked her a question and she refused to speak to me so when I left I said to my Mum 'She is a bloody b**** and I am sick of all this.' The next day we went away on our honeymoon and I spoke to my Mum on the phone. Towards the end of our holiday my Mum told me my sister and her fiance had booked their wedding so I sent her a message saying @Congratulation, I know you are happy with Chris.' I never got a reply so when I phoned my Mum to tell her that we were back from holiday I asked her if my sister got the message. She said, 'she did but she didn't reply because your always having a go at Chris, you're always nasty, she heard you call her a bitch and you were out of order, you keep making her life a misery, you make it difficult for me and your dad, we don't want to get involved(!).....' until in the end I put the phone down. It's now 3 weeks and I have not heard from her or my dad except for yesterday when she came to pick her parents album up and that was over in a couple of minutes. I think I am owed an apology so I cannt bring myself to make the first move and I have never been so hurt in all my life.They took the pleasure out of planning my wedding and I came back from my honeymoon feeling on top of the world but within minutes this was all gone.I have very low self confidence and when I loook at where this comes from it is my parenhts. All my life I have tried to be a good daughter but I will never be as good as my sister. I feel such a mess at the moment when I should be on a high. I have relied on my parents a lot in the past and normally see them everyday so it is very difficult having no contact but they have hurt me so so much. please let me knmow if you have any advuise because I am really struggling. (Sorry this is so long)

[mommyof3]

I'm so sorry to hear about you going through all of this. I'm sorry I'm a newbie here and not familiar with you, but when I read your post I felt so badly for you I thought I should reply. I have sort of a similar situation with my dad. I won't bore you with the story but at one time we didn't speak and now it is still strained. The anxiety over it all just about kills you, doesn't it? Because you are a family and you are supposed to love each other and get along, but sometimes family members can make such stupid choices and really hurt you.


I don't have really any words of wisdom for you, other than I understand and understand also how this kind of thing heightens anxiety and makes our "problem" worse. With my situation, I just really had to decide whether I was going to let him hurt me anymore or if it would be simpler to cut ties. Which is what I did but it was so painful. Eventually we started speaking again and decided to start afresh and promised not to "rehash" any of the old crap. Maybe you need to have a heart to heart with your sissy and tell her you want to all get along and start anew. But I don't know enough of your situation to know if this would even be good for you and your mental health.


Take care and good luck.

[tcsarah]

I'm sorry you are going through this when you should be enjoying life as a newly wed. If I were you I would either put down all my feelings in a letter to your sister saying how much you love her, and how it tears you apart having all these fall outs, but also put downwhat your concerns are about her fiance and why you feel like this. If you don't want to write it down, perhaps you could ask to meet up with her and have a good, long talk to her about things. Get everything off your chest.


Or is it that her fiance has done something behind her back that you know about and she doesn't, and therefore cannot talk to her about? I could see that this would be a tricky position to be in. If this isn't the case, the only way forward is to talk. The same goes with any concerns you have with your parents -tell them how you feel and make it clear all this tension and bickering is upsetting you more than they know, as I am sure it is them.


Hope this helps. Take care.


Tracey x

[Hale]

Thanks for the advise. I can live without my sister in my life. It's not being on speaking terms with my parents that is getting to me but at the same time I can't cope with them blaming me for everything. Me and my sister used to be close but since she met her first boyfriend we have drifted further and further apart and she made no effort at my wedding and now I feel like I don't actually like her as a person. The reasons why I don't like my sisters fiance are:
1. He had a girlfriend when he started seeing her and didn't tell her for a couple of months
2. He had obviiously seen my sister ause the spare key that was hidden and let himself into my mum and dads one night when he was drunk and my sister was out with another bloke.
3. she had a major op on her face last year and didn't let him see her for 2 weeks. when she did let him see her he rang her when he got home and that his mum asked how she looked and he said horrible. sh was devestated but she's always been a doormat.
4. my mum and dad bent over backwards to help them with their engagemnt party and let his friend stay at their house for 2 nights. He repayed them by getting so drunk he was sick in his hand, lap and over their sofa then just sat their letting it drip everywhere. This let his friend with 3 strangers as he was totally intoxicated.
My Mum and Dad used to hate him and cristise him in front of her but they have had the opportunity to get to know hikm better where as he is apparently scared of me and has made no effort. I just feel like my whole life my parents have sided with muy sister rather than not getting involved and I really try to be a good daughter. I think in the past I have relied on them and respected their opinion to much but we normally are so close and I think thats why they have the ability to hurt me so much. I know they don't do it on purpose but they know it really gets to me and still don't try to change things and I can't keep letting them do this to me. I feel like I am at a turning point in my life and in all other areas things are good but I just feel like I will never be good enough in their eyes because I am not like my sister who is a bit of doormat but 'nice', where as I speak my mind if something upsets me. Anyway, thanks again.
Edited by: Hale

[tcsarah]

Hale, try having a good talk with your parents. Sometimes if you do speak your mind you can end up falling out with people but I think in some situations it is called for. It is a positive thing that you aren't a doormat, good for you. It's good too to speak your mind rather than bottling things up, as that never did anyone any good.


This guy does sound like a bit of a jerk, but your sister has obviously made her mind up that she wants to stick with him. Is there a chance this guy has changed now - maybe matured a little - and this is why your parents have now warmed to him. Could you bring yourself to give him another chance?He may actually find it really upsetting not getting along with you, and any off comments he makes about you might be his defense mechanism coming into play.


Let us know how things go. I really hope you can sort things out with your parents and become close to your sister again.


Tracey

[Hale]

thanks tracey. I did decide to give him another chance at their engagement party and we offered to buty him a drink and the beginning ogf the night but he wouldn't accept it and then he got druk and was sick which I thought was really disrespectful to my parents. I then gave him another chance at the wedding and tried to make an effort (when i got the chance) and he repays me by critisising me to my friends. I think my life is better without him and my sister in it but its just my parents that are getting to me. It's mums birthday on wednesday and I have got a card and a present but don't know whether to give them to her or not. I really feel like I hate them for making me feel like this and i am so hurt but if i try and talk to them it will just end with them shouting at me and one of us walking away. Thanks again! [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[SimplyMe]

Aw, hale, I'm so sorry. I agree that trying to tlak to your parents might help. At the very least maybe you can come to an agreement that you won't discuss your sister's fiance w/ your parents if they agree to the same. Just so long as they know you love them and want to be part of their lives no matter who your sister is with or what your issues w/ her and this jerk fiance of hers then you have done all you can. I hope it works out for you!

[tcsarah]

Hale, what I would do is definitely go and see you mum on her birthday and give her her present, card... and a big cuddle. I know you are upset with your parents right now, but try and put that to one side for your mum's birthday. Perhaps you could sit your parents down and ask them if you can agree to differ on your views of your sister's fella, tell them that you hate all this bickering and bad feeling because they mean the absolute world to you. Try and stay strong, girl, I'll be thinking about you tomorrow - please go see your mum.


Tracey

[tcsarah]

Hale, how are things? Did you go and see your mum yesterday?


Tracey

[Hale]

I went round to see my parents on Monday and spoke to my Dad whilst my Mum was at work. He said a lot of things that were sweet but really hard to hear so I spent all day tuesday feeling tearful. They both came round on Tuesday night out of the blue and it was as if none of it had ever happened in the way that they were acting, which I didn't really want because there are a lot of things that need to be said between me and my Mum and now I don't know when I will get an opportunity to say them. They borrowed our wedding photos so we went to collect them yesterday and i wished her Happy Birthday and Stayed for about 45 mins but things aren't the same and I still feel hurt and angry so I don't really know where to go from here.
Thanks so much for your advise and concern.

[tcsarah]

Perhaps let things settle for a bit and when you aren't feeling as tearful and raw about things sit your mum down and have a good long talk with her. Try and keep your chin up Hale, I know how hurtful it is when we fall out with family, but I'm surethings will eventually be resolved. Sometimes having a fall out and then making up can even bring you closer together than before. Good luck with everything.


Tracey x

[Hale]

thanks tracey, much appreciated!