OT...need support on a personal issue

[harmonygirl72]

Hi all,


This may be an inappropriate place to put this, but I have seen how supportive you all are to each other, so I am hoping I can be so fortunate as to get some as well. There are a few of you from here that I talk to on IM or the phone who may know some of this, but bear with me. I think just writing the whole thing out might be therapeutic. But, know that it will be LONG, so be warned!


Okay, there is this guy that I have been "involved with" in some way or another since about 1996. I actually met him in 1992, so this goes way back. From 1996-Jan of 2001, we basically were dating, but he was very non-committal. I was totally in love with him and he with me (I think), but he was not committing, so I decided to take a year off from seeing him or talking to him. It was very emotional letting him go, it was the first time I had ever seen him cry, so I know it affected him, too. The year was hell on me. I thought I would get over him, but I just loved him more when the year was up. I thought he might come to his senses, because everyone told me how much he seemed to be in love with me, etc. Anyway, near the end of that year he started dating another girl. I met up with him again in Sept of 2001 (so it wasn't quite a whole year) and he told me that he was very unhappy with his girlfriend and was going to break up with her. Long story short, he never did. He moved in with her instead, while still telling me that he was more in love with me than her. Their relationship as he put it was awful, but for some reason he stayed with her. He has been claiming to be my best friend all this time, too. STUPIDLY, I also have been sleeping with him this whole timeas well. I know, I am stupid, but I was (and am) completely in love with this guy andhe said he felt the same, so I was not acting rationally.


Anyway, he came over the other night totell me that she is pregnant and they are getting married.Along with the terrible sadness I felt, I felt total betrayal. He not only had been telling mehe loved me, he also has been telling me that he would never marry her and if that ever changed that he would tell me right away so I would be warned, as I knew it would devastate me. Well, apparently, they have been planning this for weeks and just told me. And, they are doing it Sept 24!!!!


So, I am a complete wreck and am just looking for support. He is still thinking of calling it off, going to counseling,talking to hisfamily, etc. I told him if he marries her, I will never see or speak to him again. He sobbed like a baby in my arms and told me how he doesn't want to loseme, etc.If hedoesn't marry her, I will try to be his friend and support him, but that will be hard because the trust is gone. And, there will never be a chance of any other kind of relationship, no matter what happens. One of my big dilemmas now is whether to tell the girl everything. I kind of think she deserves to know before she marries him, but I also know the horrible consequences telling her could have.


I know this is LONG, but it helps me to write it out. I would appreciate any advice people have, but don't just tell me how stupid I am, cause I know that part already. I also know I probably left out a lot of details, so feel free to ask me anything about it.


Thank so much in advance. You all are the best.


Mary


P.S. My e-mail:[email protected]


AIM: harmonygirl1972


Yahoo: harmonygirl72


MSN: [email protected]

[Galadriel]

Hi all,


This may be an inappropriate place to put this, but I have seen how supportive you all are to each other, so I am hoping I can be so fortunate as to get some as well. There are a few of you from here that I talk to on IM or the phone who may know some of this, but bear with me. I think just writing the whole thing out might be therapeutic. But, know that it will be LONG, so be warned!


Okay, there is this guy that I have been "involved with" in some way or another since about 1996. I actually met him in 1992, so this goes way back. From 1996-Jan of 2001, we basically were dating, but he was very non-committal. I was totally in love with him and he with me (I think), but he was not committing, so I decided to take a year off from seeing him or talking to him. It was very emotional letting him go, it was the first time I had ever seen him cry, so I know it affected him, too. The year was hell on me. I thought I would get over him, but I just loved him more when the year was up. I thought he might come to his senses, because everyone told me how much he seemed to be in love with me, etc. Anyway, near the end of that year he started dating another girl. I met up with him again in Sept of 2001 (so it wasn't quite a whole year) and he told me that he was very unhappy with his girlfriend and was going to break up with her. Long story short, he never did. He moved in with her instead, while still telling me that he was more in love with me than her. Their relationship as he put it was awful, but for some reason he stayed with her. He has been claiming to be my best friend all this time, too. STUPIDLY, I also have been sleeping with him this whole timeas well. I know, I am stupid, but I was (and am) completely in love with this guy andhe said he felt the same, so I was not acting rationally.


Anyway, he came over the other night totell me that she is pregnant and they are getting married.Along with the terrible sadness I felt, I felt total betrayal. He not only had been telling mehe loved me, he also has been telling me that he would never marry her and if that ever changed that he would tell me right away so I would be warned, as I knew it would devastate me. Well, apparently, they have been planning this for weeks and just told me. And, they are doing it Sept 24!!!!


So, I am a complete wreck and am just looking for support. He is still thinking of calling it off, going to counseling,talking to hisfamily, etc. I told him if he marries her, I will never see or speak to him again. He sobbed like a baby in my arms and told me how he doesn't want to loseme, etc.If hedoesn't marry her, I will try to be his friend and support him, but that will be hard because the trust is gone. And, there will never be a chance of any other kind of relationship, no matter what happens. One of my big dilemmas now is whether to tell the girl everything. I kind of think she deserves to know before she marries him, but I also know the horrible consequences telling her could have.


I know this is LONG, but it helps me to write it out. I would appreciate any advice people have, but don't just tell me how stupid I am, cause I know that part already. I also know I probably left out a lot of details, so feel free to ask me anything about it.


Thank so much in advance. You all are the best.


Mary


P.S. My e-mail:[email protected]


AIM: harmonygirl1972


Yahoo: harmonygirl72


MSN: [email protected]

Hello Mary,


Yikes thats a tough thing to go through. So lemme get this straight here, you and he split for about a year, and in that time he got with this other girl and then he came back to you while with this other girl, and he claimed he didn't like it with her as much and that he really loved you, yet h

[sillygirl]

Wow, what a horrible situation. I think you were right in telling him that you can't see him anymore if he married the other girl. The temptation for both of you would always be there and you are just going to wind up hurt again if anything happens. If I were you, I would completely break it off from him right now, no matter what he choses to do (stay with the other girl or not). If his feelings are really what he told you, he has some serious soul searching to do. I don't want to discourage you because I know you really love him, but even if he left the other girl and got together with you, whats to say there isn't another girl out there somewhere that he is saying the same stuff to? I would hate for the same thing to happen to you down the road.


As for telling the othre girl, I think it depends on what your motives are. If you just want to do it to get back at him I would say don't do it. If you want to do it to warn her because you care about her and her baby, maybe you should. But realize, if you do tell her, your relationship with him is definitely going to be destroyed. He already lost your trust, but that would make you lose his. I can see why you would want to tell her though. If I were her, I would definitely want to know.


This is a really tough situation for you. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. The best thing you can do for yourself is just to distance yourself from the whole thing. It's going to hurt, but it will hurt more if you stay in the middle. This way, you can move on with your life and find someone who really deserves you.

[harmonygirl72]

Hi, Galadriel and Sillygirl,


Thanks so much for responding. This has been one of the worst days of my life. (How ironic that it is Sept. 11) He told me today that he is definitely going through with it. My girlfriends came over, read the letter I had written to his girlfriend telling her everything and they told me to send it, so I did. He actually told me that he already told her, so I figure it can't hurt any more now, if it's true that he really did tell her. And, yes, Galadriel, you pretty much have the scenario right. Sillygirl, I know that sending that letter probably ruined any chance of us being friends, but I know that is pretty much ruined anyway. I don't really think I am betraying his trust as I told him that I would tell her everything. Thanks again for taking the time to read all that and respond to it. It means a lot.


Mary

[tcsarah]

I know some of the hurt you are feeling right now. I was head over heels in love with a guy over ten years ago now and he had the same problems with commitment. The way he was treating me started effecting my health as I was so upset all the time so I did one of the hardest things and broke things off. The following year was probably one of the hardest I've ever had - I felt my heart and soul had been ripped out, I missed that guy so much. I carried on seeing him as a friend but that got too hard. It hurt so much when I found out he'd moved on and got another girlfriend. To cut a long story short - time healed (it took a good while though!), I moved on - had two relationships which didn't work out, then met my fiance who I have been with for the last five years and I know he isthe onefor me. My fiance has taken me to those same dizzy heights that my first true love did, but without messing me about, so I have all of the fun and none of the grief! I've never felt as secure or happy in my life before.


If I were you I would cut all connections with this guy - what I'm trying to show with telling my story is it can be one of the hardest things in the world to do, but with time things get better and one day youwill look back and think, thank goodness I didn't stay with that man.


It seems to me that he has used both you and his girlfriend - he wanted to have his cake and eat it. He has lied to both of you and I pity this girl who is marrying him. He has caused you both so much hurt. I can't honestly see him being a faithful husband either.


So my advice is to listen to your head and not your heart, stay away from this guy - it will be hard, at times you'll probably want to let yourselfweaken and see him 'one more time', but that would be just causing more hurt in the long run. Have a good sob about it, talk about how you are feeling, but try not to look back with the 'what ifs' - you may not be able to see it clearly right now, but you are much better off without him in your life.


Stay strong, girl! Good luck with everything. We are all here to support you whenever you need it.


Tracey x

[harmonygirl72]

Tracey,


Thank you so much for that. I know that you are right and that is exactly what I am doing, but it is all but killing me. It helps to hear that you have been through a similar situation. Thanks for your kind and wise words.


Mary

[aguerra29]

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I don't know if you are a praying person or not, but maybe this was God's way of answering your prayers. He is not the man for you and you needed a clear-cut way to know that for sure. I know these next few days, weeks, and months will be hard, but you will get through it and you will be a better person for it. Your heart will mend. If he trys to call or write or contact you in anyway, just ignore him. Hang up on him, don't read any letters, and just completely ignore him. If he is truly "unhappy" with this woman he is about to marry, he brought it upon himself. The best revenge is to live a good life and be happy. He is a complete jerk and you are better off without him.

[harmonygirl72]

Aguerra,


Thanks for your words. My faith is extremely weak at best, but I can see how this would be God's way of answering my prayers. I have to say that thereis a TINY part of me that feels relief because now I can stop waiting for him, stop wasting my life and move on. I know what you say is true, it's just going to be a very hard time for a long while. I just hope it does make me stronger and doesn't kill me!!


Mary

[swiftette]

Mary, I'm so [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]sad for you!!!I just...don't even know what to say. You deserve someone a whole hell of alot better! You bestowed all your love on this creepand how could he have been so cruel as to use you like that! I know it hurts right now, but SHE is the one getting the s***end of the stick by marrying him. He's probably the type that will NEVER be able to settle down with one woman. You should go out and buy yourself a new outfit, get your hair and nails done(or whatever makes YOU feel good)and make your pals take you out to celebrate your independence! Make September 24th Mary Day! Look atit as a new begining and not an ending!Take care!!!Donna

[harmonygirl72]

Donna,


That was the sweetest post! Thank you so much! I know I deserve better and I know you are right about everything you said. I wish I could buy myself a new outfit or go for a manicure, but I am so broke, it is not even funny! (Some of it the creep's fault!!) I kind of want to do some drastic change, cut my hair short or something, but I am not sure what. I may go shopping for some new looks. And, I am getting the hell out of town the weekend of the 24th. I have friends up in Wisconsin I can stay with, and another friend from Minnesota will meet me there. They will support me and help me through the actual dreaded day. I am trying to look at it as a new beginning...it's just tough.


Thanks again,


Mary

[mitch04133]

Mary, everyone here is given very good advice, so there is not much I can add. The only thing I can say is that I was involved with someone for 5years, that was not always honest with me. I finally made the break, even though it was hard, I moved out and back home. Very shortly after, I met the love of my life. He is the most wonderful man, and he would never ever betray me the way my ex did. I know its hard to believe, but this is NOT the guy for you. And I promise, you WILL find someone that is, and when you do, you will ask yourself, what the hell was I even thinking anyway???? I promise that you will get through this, and it will only make you a stronger person, and it will make you realize that you deserve somone who will not jerk you around or play with your emotions. Like someone else sais=d, listen to your head not your heart, cause the way I see it, if its real, then your head and your heart will be saying the same thing. I wish you the best, you will be fine.


Michele

[harmonygirl72]

Michele,


Thanks for your kind words. Especially with all that you are going through right now, it means so much that you took the time to respond to me. I am sorry I didn't respond to your post, but know that I am thinking of you and hoping you get better very soon. Your story helps, because I feel like I will never find someone again and I can always think of you and how you did, so why can't I, right? Thanks again.


Mary

[bexcelica]

mary, im sooo sorry to hear this is happening to you. ive never been in that situation so i cant tell you anything from experience, so all i can really say is that thing happen for a reason and it happened because it wasnt right for you. i dont know why or how, but youre a great woman, and you deserve better than that.

[harmonygirl72]

Thanks, Bex, it means a lot.


Mary

[tcsarah]

Mary, mark my words you will find somebody else. It may not happen straight away but it WILL happen. One day you will meet the right person. It's very rare for anybody to find their ideal partner straight away before going through other relationships - you have to sift through the chaff to find the wheat!


I know how you are feeling right now, but time does heal. Allow yourself to grieve - breaking up withsomeone is like going through a bereavement, make sure you don't bottle things up.


Take care.


Tracey x

[harmonygirl72]

Thanks, Tracey,


I know I will probably meet someone else. But, it's not like I am young and this was my first boyfriend. I am 32 and am scared that by the time I get over this, my child-bearing years will be over! Hopefully, not...


Mary

[jesskali]

Mary--sorry I'm late posting this. I hope you are feeling better about things. Everyone has given you some great advice already and I don't really have anything to add. I'm sorry you have wasted so much of your time on him. You are much better off now. The girl he is marrying is the one getting the crappy end of the deal--just keep that in mind. One day, when you least expect it, you will meet your Prince Charming, and all of the hell you have been through will seem worth it! I know you must be experiencing great hurt right now, so I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Jess

[tcsarah]

I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry about not getting the chance to have children because I'm sure that won't be the case. There is still plenty of time to have children - my Grandma had my mum and aunty (yep twins) at 44! My fiance's mum was in her forties when he came along (the doctor told her she had wind - next thing shegave birth tohim, lol). I know quite a few older mothers, andnone of my mid-thirty year old friends have had children yet and they do want them one day. At thirty-fiveI still don't feel ready to have children! People are having children later now - women want a career and then to settle down with families. I know there are concerns about having children late, but plenty of people do it these days.


I know it seems like an impossible task right now, butyou will get through this -and come out the other side that bit stronger. I remember thinking to myself when I went through my heartbreaking split with my first true love, that if I could survive this I could survive anything. It may take a while to get over this guy, but I'm sure it won't take years - you'll probably be ready to move on with another partner sooner than you think.


Take care of yourself.


Tracey x

[harmonygirl72]

Jess, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I will definitely need it!


Tracey, thanks again for all your kind and encouraging words. Even though it is hard to believe it now, I know that you are right. You're the best!


Mary

[kate1966]

Mary...sad to say...but your guy was getting the best of both worlds for himself.....i know a guy like that...and he used to be a friend of mine...and we kind of had something going on and then he got married and he still wanted me on the side...well i did for a while...then finally caught on that he was just using me.....as hard as it was...i had to let him go...it was not doing either one of us any good....the "other woman" in his life will soon know what he is up to and he will end up alone again and probably come running to you...and you should run as fast as you can in the other direction....as hard as it is....this guy is not worth your time and energy...you are too good for that game playing....he's no where near ready to settle down at all.....do yourself a favor and lose him fast......there are way too many fish in the sea to be hung up on someone that has no respect for you.....I have found out the hard way myself.....hope things work out for you and you find some peace in this situation...Kate

[harmonygirl72]

Thank you, Kate, I know what you say is true. I am definitely cutting off all contact with him as there is no way I could continue this while he is married. We have such chemistry between us that I know it would happen, even if we didn't want it to, that is why I can not even see him again, no matter what. Thanks for sharing your story; it's somehow comforting to know I am not the only one that this happens to. Some men can sure be jerks, huh??


Mary

[Jenneh]

Mary, what a complicated situation.... and how hard it must be for you to love someone so dearly and watch them tear ur heart apart before you. Which is probably why it would be best to not be in touch with this guy anyway. You deserve so mucjh better and someone better WILL come along who you will love just as much, if not more.


I agree with the others who said he is a user. He's trying to keep the best of both worlds and it needs to stop!


I think you did the right thing sending that letter... not many people would be brave enough to do that.


keep me posted on MSN. as i will you.


Jen xxxxx

[bexcelica]

Mary, mark my words you will find somebody else. It may not happen straight away but it WILL happen.

i agree COMPLETELY... you WILL find the right guy, but not until you let this one go... just think of this break up as another chapter in your book, and one step closer to finding the man youre going to spend ther rest of your life with

[crazybeautiful]

Hey Mary


I know we've talked about it before, but I just wanted to let you know that if you ever need to vent/talk/anything I'm here for you!


You are a wonderful person and you deserve to be happy and you will, trust me.


xo

[harmonygirl72]

You guys are so great!


Jenneh, I know you are going through some tough times of your own right now, so I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. We will definitely stay in touch through MSN and help each other get through it!


Bex, thanks again! I know you're right, it's just so hard! I am trying to think of it as the closure I needed to really find the right guy for me....it's just sooo hard!


Crazybeautiful, you are so sweet! Your words mean a lot and I know we will stay in touch also and help each other through all these crazy man troubles!!


Mary

[crystalmom]

Hey...sorry I wasn't around (it's like the 13th now), but I wanted to tell youhow sorry I was to hear your situation b/c I too, have felt the same for another, who I know cared about me, but was unlikey to commit to me. This was also a first b/f, first love thing, and we still communicate, but very little.


I think all men have gone NUTS lately (sorry guys). Every woman I talk to are having serious problems with their men. Must be a fall thing.


Anyway, totally do a "spa day" or something to brightenen yourself. I feel Reiki works wonders, and makes you feel in tune with yourself again!


Take care hun, be strong, b/c there are lots of fish in the sea.


Crystal


PS....Every try Lavalife....that is where I met my b/f, and I even went on a few dates with guys off there. Internet dating can be very intoxicating!

[harmonygirl72]

Hi, Crystal!


Thanks for responding...it doesn't matter how late because I will need support fpr a LONG time, I fear! I agree that men have all gone nuts lately, if they weren't already!! A spa day sounds great but I am too broke. What is Reiki?? My friend tried Lavalife, I never have, but I have done some internet dating in my time. I am sorta seeing a guy from Match.com right now, but I feel bad because the timing is so bad with all this going on!


Thanks again,


Mary

[SimplyMe]

Hey, Mary. i know we talk on the phone a bunch but I wanted to tell you I think you are really coping a lot better than some might. I know you are feeling pretty low about this and you are upset, hurt etc but that is to be expected. But the way you are carrying yourself about it and forcing yourself to keep on is excellent! it'd be very easy to fall into a hermits life or something but your'e not. You are a lot stronger than you think, don't forget that.


Talk to you soon, remember you can call anytime!

[harmonygirl72]

Simply,


Thanks so much for everything!! You are so encouraging...I don't feel like I am coping well at all!I could never get through this without your friendship and phone calls! You are the best!!


Mary

[crystalmom]

Hey Mary,


Reiki is energy work. It has to do with your chakras within your body, and your energy. It is an eastern type solution. It's up there with Fung Shei, I mean, it can't hurt, trying to be even with chi and all that as far as I'm concerned. I love that culture...so natural. I'm sure it would be easy to find someone who practices Reiki, look at spas, and at wellness centers that do massage and that sort of thing. Alot of ppl who can do Reiki are also very "in tune" with "others" if you get my drift. But nothing creepy or out of this world type thing!


Anyway, hope this is helpful. All I know is I feel great after a session of Reiki and I don't care if there are skeptics out there.


Crystal[img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]