Unhappy Angry Venting

[RosieRoo]

Sorry if this annoys you, I just needed somewhere to blow off my steam and I thought this might be the place. I'm just venting.

My best friend neighbor is home from college for the thanksgiving vacation this week, and he came over out of the blue and asked me to go shopping with him, and I was so excited to go until I realized it would mean riding in the car.... The latest joy of my panic attacks are feeling extremely carsick after being in a vehicle for more than 10 minutes or when somebody is driving faster than 50mph. His driving is naturally crazy and even before the new carsick thing I wouldn't feel so great after him being behind the wheel for too long, so now I imagine it would only be worse. The last two times I left the house on a 25 minute car ride I took great safety measures, brought tums, ginger snaps, a cold water bottle, and it was with my parents who knew to drive carefully and how to deal with me panicking. First car trip was with my Mom, I was so terrified of leaving the house that I cried the entire way to the mall. A few years ago going to the mall would be really exciting, I'd be ready and willing to shop and have a great time, but now I can't even enjoy the notion because I know that I can't get there without feeling sick, so I don't go anymore, I actually turn down mall invites. I just had to send my best guy friend away and lie to him about why I couldn't go with him. I feel HORRIBLE about it, but there's no way in hell I could begin to explain this to him. How could I possibly tell him that I can't leave the house or get into the car because I have a panic attack that I'll feel car sick, then I feel car sick, then my emetophobia kicks in so that I have a panic attack about throwing up, and then I just decide not to go anywhere I can't walk to. This is seriously killing me. This THING is why I have no friends, why I don't have my drivers' license, why I can't take a road test, why I couldn't take drivers' ed, why I'm such a HERMIT in my own house against my will. My panic attacks and anxiety and emetophobia have destroyed me, they've killed my hopes and goals and dreams and turned them all into potential things to make me sick or get me sick, and carries I will never get around. In essence, my will to live has been killed. I can't do a damn thing anymore and I hate it. Realizing this just now, with the stabbing guilt in my chest and tears all over my face from sending my best friend away and having to lie to him about why I couldn't go with him to go shopping, this has ruined me. I hate what this has forced me to become. At one time I wanted to go far away to college and live in the dorms with new friends and then fall in love and get married and have kids and be a teacher but now I am stuck here, with no car, no license, not going to college, no friends, not falling in love, living with my parents and little sister. My friend Sam asked me if I wanted to go see a movie tonight with him, this time my answer wasn't a total lie, I have to work tonight with my boys while their parents go out. He said he'd wait til I was done to go catch a showing, but I had to say no again, this time by saying the parents were planning on coming home very late and I didn't want to keep him up all night. There's just not one thing I like about myself anymore, I can't even be honest with people, be around people, go anywhere, do ANYTHING. And the worst part is that there isn't a cure. Medications that my doctors have tried to give me for my depression and anxiety make me incredibly sick, therapy that I'm doing right now for all of this helps a little but what can a guy sitting in a chair talking to me do anyways? All I can do is hope that nobody notices that I'm never going to progress past my 15 year old sophomore year self when this all started.... UGH UGH UGH.

thanks for listening to whoever actually took the time to read all of this.

[kam00096]

Hey Rosie am sorry you're having a crappy night. First things first, YOU ARE AWESOME!!! You work with kids ffs! That is properly amazing for someone with emet and it gives me hope for myself when I hear about people like you on here.

As far as everything else goes I've felt the same way many times but really try to remember it won't always be as bad as this. I'm 28 now and I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be at 18 but in the between times I've been to uni, had a 6 year relationship, worked in London and done a million other things I never thought I could do. And although I've been crappy recently I'm building back up to being a normal person again and YOU CAN TOO! One thing I'm about to start right now (and it sounds like it would help you a lot too) is learning to drive. I have friends who get badly car sick as a passenger but I've never ever come across anyone who gets it while driving. Because your mind's busy and you're concentrating I bet you'd never even think of it! And then you could drive yourself to the mall and to hang out with your friends! As far as they go can you try telling them a little bit or even if you don't want to, see if they fancy hanging out at your house (get movie night on the go!). Maybe then you can build up to going out when you're feeling better?

Don't give up on therapy. I'm the ultimate cynic but I do think it helps! And maybe talk to the docs again. There are so many meds out there that can help!

Chin up girly :-) xx

[RosieRoo]

Well Kam, thanks. For me though, I guess I don't see working with two boys to be that impressive.... it's ALL I do, otherwise I just stay at home in hiding being a turd. I'm 19 now and I'm supposed to have the world at my fingertips (as my mom says) but right now I've just got an ocean of things I can't do because of the current situation. Seems everything good happened before I graduated from high school, from there it all fell apart and got worse fast. I was in love, had friends, doing great in classes, still had aspirations, I graduated, had a great summer, then my boyfriend broke up with me, I failed out of college, lost all my friends and now I just want to live through the day instead of fantasize about the future. I thought normalcy was coming back, but after today I realize I'm nowhere near it. I tried driving several times and I have panic attacks and still think I'm going to throw up and get carsick behind the wheel.... If I ever do get my license it'll be great because I can go out and if I need to stop every 10 minutes and take a walk or something I can, and nobody will know about how I have to deal with transportation. As for therapy, I won't be giving up on that, because aside from the emetophobia I have PLENTY of other reasons to see him about. I know there are tons of meds for me but I really just can't even think about it because the number one side effect for almost all antidepressants is nausea and vomiting.... no go there. I'd rather suffer in insanity than be mentally sound and nauseous. thanks though glad I'm not alone.

[RosieRoo]

Cynna, prozac made me real sick..... Not as bad as the others, Effexor being the worst offender in my tummy.
I plan on spending some time with him before he goes back to school somehow, probably chilling at his house or my house doing something. I don't know if I'll ever really explain to him but maybe, I have no idea really.
Thanks for saying that. It feels like I have made some kind of progress but not a whole lot. I dunno. I've noticed that once it gets to be about that time of the month for me my anxiety is absolutely over the moon huge, probably a week before and the week of, I have panic attacks if somebody sneezes in the next town over. (Not exactly but you get what I mean.) Therapy is much needed, and I'm sure I'll get through it all somehow
This is certainly not in the picture I had drawn for myself..... right now my picture is layers of black scribbles over the dreams I had copy/pasted off of the internet! (I'm a metaphor monster, sorry lol) thanks Cynna

[Skittles04]

i remember you mentioned in another post that you liked writing- have you ever thought of it as a career?
you could do an online course while you get yourself back together, and then have an emet free job aswell! just a suggestion

[Natiebear]

The two drugs you mentioned are famous for side effects. Have you tried Zoloft? My doc put me on it because he said it has the least amount of side effects. If those two are the only ones you tried there are a lot of others out there. You should talk to your doc about trying another one it's worth a try to feel better at least. Don't give up it took me three meds until I found the right one. Remember it takes a month or so to feel the full effects of the meds too.

[RosieRoo]

I was on Zoloft for a few years then had to go off for some personal reasons, I tried starting it again and it made me super duper sick Natie.... I can't remember the other ones I've tried but it had to be at least five that make me feel real sick. Skittles, I do like writing, if I could find a way to make a career out of it, well hell, I'd be all for it but to be honest my writing isn't all that sellable!! LOL

[RosieRoo]

Cynna, my Mom had suggested to me that I should do my schoolwork online so I didn't have to go to school per-se. (Because school alone gives me panic attacks, I'm a perfectionist and I'm afraid of failure which results in failure to do ANY work because I figure it'll suck so why bother, got me into tons of trouble) Nonetheless, I think online would be a good move except for the possibility that I log on to do schoolwork and I find myself on here with you guys all day or something instead..... here's how the percentages go, 69% chance I do all my work and things go great, 29% not getting a single thing accomplished. 2% me hating college in general. LOL

[spilled_milk]

But, it's just a possibility! Why not try it, what's the harm? I think you would do really well I know it's hard to take that first step, it's kind of a big leap of faith. But in this case I think it might be worth it! I have good friends who did online college or part time; full time four year college just wasn't for them. What's the harm in signing up for even just one online course for now and seeing how it goes? It could be awesome!

[Skittles04]

yep i agree with spilled milk, theres no harm in trying! if it doesn't work out, then you simply drop out and know that you gave it your best shot. try looking into it maybe and see how you go?