Another day ruined

[LittleFlo]

Hi everybody, I am fairly new on here. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

So I've had a perfectly relaxing evening, and then out the blue I get a bit of d* and I start freaking out trying to work out why and ask myself if I feel n*... I'm just getting really sick of this. So many times a week something small will happen like this, like I will get the slightest twinge or pain in my tummy - and I will convince myself I'm going to v*. It's so wearing and the anxiety makes the n* worse as many of you know.

I've had a lot of stress recently: was hospitalised during my Uni finals with a swollen heart back in May, and was in hospital just a couple of months later with a kidney infection. It messed up my degree. Since then I've lost two good friends who stabbed me in the back (one tried to split me and my boyfriend up and the other lied to people in my Uni year accusing me of not being actually ill when I was hospital). I've also had family problems and recently moved house, as well as dealing with the disorientation of finishing Uni, sorting money out and working out what I'm going to do with my life next. Add to that is that my boyfriend has just lost his job and is feeling depressed... Oh and I'm having to have CBT for anxiety and sexual health counselling. So I'm having quite a crazy time so it's no wonder my body is feeling sicky every now and again.

Right now I'm sat on my own in my flat trying hard to not feel that one bit of d* means I've got a tummy bug. There's no reason why I would - I don't feel ill, or even n* really. I haven't been near anyone with a bug or eaten anything dodgy, etc, etc. Deep down I know it's my anxiety but every time I'm in the position I think, oh great, what if this really is it. I v* (2nd time ever since I was 9, I'm nearly 22 now) back in June when I was in hospital with the kidney infection and that trauma still stays with me (although I tend to cope better with n* and/or v* if the symptom is not related to an actual intestinal problem e.g. Bug, food poisoning - so as it was my kidneys it was easier to deal with). Anyway I keep re-living the sensation of the v* and how weak and ill I was on that hospital ward. It was the middle of the night when I was v* and so had no one there to morally support me, until my BF arrived the next morning by which point they had injected me with as much anti-sickness med that's legal lol and the v* had pretty much gone. So part of me feels proud I was brave enough to v* by myself (except some nurse who was too busy trying to find a mop more than comfort me!) But anyway the illness came on very suddenly (one minute watching TV happily and the next I was in an ambulance with severe kidney discomfort and nausea). Part of my anxiety then is how quickly a v* incident can occur, how quickly an illness can come on - and the thought of going back into hospital makes me feel so panicky.

Sorry to ramble - any reassurance and comfort right now would be gratefully appreciated. I'm in England so it's not far off 1am now and I just want to go to bed in peace.

Thanks in advance you lovely people,
Emily

[artoo16]

Hi Emily, I'm an Emily too! I'm sorry you are having anxiety right now, I'm going through some of that on my own tonight. I'm sure your d won't lead to v, though I can understand how we jump to that conclusion. Sounds like you have had a rough time lately, so I'm sure it is stress that you are feeling. D can be caused by pretty much anything. Hang in there, eat blandly, find something to distract you. You're going to be ok, just take it one day at a time!

[LittleFlo]

Hi Emily! Thanks for a quick and really helpful reply. You're right, it's probably stress and one day at a time is a good thought to have. After all tomorrow is tomorrow. I think when you have anxiety you can't think too far ahead or you just feel overwhelmed. How are you feeling anyway? Happy to listen since you read my ramblings! X

[artoo16]

Yeah, it's so hard to be rational when you are in the midst of freaking out. I've just had a few bad days of worry, no real reason, just been hyper aware of everything my body is doing. I'm a teacher, and I'm always worried I'm going to get something from the students. I went to the gym for some distraction, and I feel better at the moment. Night always sucks though, I always feel worse at night.

I hope you are feeling better by now, and try to remind yourself to breathe! Nice to meet you, btw!

[ruhligv]

Wow that hospital visit sounds just terrible, I'm so glad you got thru it and should be very proud! I freak out about randomly coming down with something "all of the sudden" and kick myself for how many things I've missed out on and not done for fear of "what if?". Ugh what are we gunna do with ourselves lol? I'm sorry to hear about your schooling stuff too, I'm a university student as well. It's stressful enough as it is! Hang in there, at least we all understand where you're coming from!

[LittleFlo]

Thanks for your reassuraning words guys! I'm fine today lol - all that panic for nothing. Emily you're right, night is always worse because you feel more alone. And I don't know about anyone else but I always feel v* incidents with most people occur at night? Or is that just a little thought of mine lol. Ruhligv, I know what you mean about missing out on things. The times I've not been myself in social situations because of this fear, or avoided them altogether...