I know exactly what you're feeling with the helplessness and wanting to just die. I felt that way a couple years ago, and felt just eaten up by this phobia. It was like I wanted so badly to crawl out of my skin but of course that's not possible. It's hard to describe, but it sucks and you're not alone. I had a similar experience about feeling as if I've let everyone down this Christmas. Since I got married and moved away and my brother is away at college, it's rare that my family gets to be together. Well I had an emet panic because my parents had been sick and then my brother came home from college for break and got sick too, and even though I let everyone down and just couldn't bring myself to face this fear, I couldn't go and didn't get to spend Christmas with my family. I hated myself. This fear absolutely takes away from life. Shortly after that I went into therapy. I also am in the process of getting my meds perfected, and that has helped me tremendously. I will not let myself get eaten alive by this phobia anymore. I still of course have relapses and life gets me down from time to time, that is bound to happen, as that's simply how life goes. Please don't tear yourself apart because you couldn't stay. I know the feelings you're having right now and it's fine to get angry at emet because it limits us so very much. You have this place to come on and scream and cry to us about how it's treating you, but you are worth so much more than this phobia. Please don't let it beat you. You deserve to live!!!!
Now about your intestinal issues, you haven't gone in a week and now your body is making up for it. Don't worry about going so much, I think it's normal.
I hope you're feeling better now. I'm thinking of you!!
In memory of the sweetest german shepherd I ever had the pleasure of knowing. I love you, Duncan. 3/12/02 - 12/19/11