Stupid Stories from the Land Of Stephen

[sbias]

Ok I haven't ran out of jokes, but really stupid and funny stories seem to make everyone smile!!! SoI will think about to some of the things That make me laugh, things I have heard, or things I have done.... Again if I need to I will censor them I will, andI will keep' em clean.

[sbias]

I call this one "I love that smell!?!?!?!?!" Iadore this one........ This is a true story, I can get Christian to come on here and verify it. He loves telling this story too. It's a little long, and has some intense moments but Christian thinks this is the funniest thing that ever happened to him. I am sure I will not be able to recreate this perfectly, there was a lot more bad words, and several phrases I won't remember, but great none the less. Keep an open mind about it, and remember me and this guy had been friends for 16 years, we still are today.





My friend is the manager of a women's shoe store at the local mall, he has a good sense of humor, but takes things so personal, and flips out of the smallest detail, I was going to pick up the wife at her work, his store is 2 stores down from hers, it was close to closing. I had popped in to see him, and he was telling me how he had a horrible day, while I was standing there this older lady came up to the counter and slammed a pair of shoes down, turned and stared at him before he could even react and said.... "WELL???" real hateful. I said I'll talk to you later, and went down to my wife's store, I was sitting in the back and look up at the wall and see a paper tacked to it called store alert, the store alert system, is so stores can call other stores in case of shoplifters, one store calls one, and then it is that store's responsibility to call the other one the list, my wife's stores responsibility was to call that shoe store so they could get fair warning, out beside the stores name was the phone number.


I grabbed the phone, and dialed the number......................


"Thank you for calling Natur****** Christian speaking how can I help you?"


"Hi do you sell woman's shoes?" A really good raspy, nasal voice for him.


"Why yes....um...yes we do?"


"All Sizes?"


"Yes... They range... But we can special order a size if you need it sir."


"Ok......... umm..... Do women try them on in your store?"


(Slight Pause) " Yes.... Yes your wife, or girlfriend can try them on in the store."


"Oh........ Do they uhhh....try them on in socks? And in bare feet?"


"Excuse me????"


"What did you say your name was again?"


"Christian..."


"Christian, let me fly straight with you, I have a thing for feet... I love women's feet..... God I love that smell. (Makes a sniffing noise.) Do they try them on in socks and bare feet?"


"Who is this????????????"


"Ian, my name is Ian (To prove too you how messed up my mind is, that is the first thing that popped in my head. Ian is the actual name of the guy that played Steve on the hit show Beverly Hills 90210) You didn't answer my question."


"Is this some kind of joke?"


"Excuse me?"


"Are you joking with me?"


"No I asked you a question, do they try them on with socks, bare feet?"


(Long pause...snickers a little bit.) "We have footies, they put them on like a sock and try the shoe on."


"Can I buy those?"


"Footies?"


"Yea the ones the girls try on? I'll pay you for them."


"Oh my god (laughing) look don't call here no more." (Bang... Hangs up phone.)


I get my composure and pick the phone up again.


"Thank you for cal...."


"Christian?"


"I told you not to call here anymore."


"What is your corporate number, I would like to complain."


"Complain about what? Your a freak." (I got him going now......He's mad.)


"What did you call me!"


"I called you a freak!"


"How dare you! You don't even know me! It's not like I go in to Sears and sniff panties. Who the hell are you to judge me! I guess because I am an American Indian you'd call me names too."


"G****** it, I'm black! (He is) and red, white, yellow, whatever your still a freak!"


I had to pull the phone away for a minute, cause I was about to lose it, catch a breath, and then I start y

[terified girl]

I don't know if we're allowed to reply but that was f* good man! I loved that. You are evil LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sbias]

Oh I got a ton of these, and if you have some to share please do.... We can just call it crazy stories from the land of emet!

[sbias]

I'll call this one "The Birth of Andrew, or How to Almost Get Kicked Out of a Delivery Room" if that one doesn't peak your interest nothing will.


I was begged to go back there, I didn't want to, I really didn't,I was scared of getting sick, I know that sounds silly, but man being back in the room during a birth, I was scared. I was in the waiting room, already telling jokes and pacing, I looked at my father and said, "How come you never gave me the birds and the bees talk, look what you made me do!" My father is laughing he is so used to me acting this way, and her family is sitting there staring wondering why she ever slept with me at all. When I get nervous or afraid I go in to over drive. So I am full on crazed.


Besides the yelling and screaming between everyone, everyone was wound tight, I was with her most of the time. Standing beside her like the good husband. Then someone looks at my wife's stuff ( That kinda p**sed me off, but hey it was a nurse so I let it slide [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img].)and announces it's time. So here I am walking beside her and in to a room that I swear I had seen in one of those alien autopsy videos, being an emet I admired how clean it was (I know I should have been paying attention, but you have to admire that.) SoI am standing there with my little mask on, my little cap on and she's already madder than hell. Everything is fine and I am being supportive, you know like the good husband, until the doc mentions we have a crown, and come see. WhenI see this monstrosity, and I don't care about the beauty of child birth remark, my heart leapt in my throat, and my stomach flipped. I walked back up to her head, she had sweat pouring off of her looks at me andpuffs outIS HE OK?


"Yeah but your stuff is ruined."


God knows why I said it, I needed something, I was about to faint. She shoots a look at me like I am about to be killed, so the birthingact goes on, I stay up there, I did not want to see that. Finally he's out and he's crying, they rate him a 9 on some kind of scale to 10, and the nurse takes him to the left to some kind of table, I don't know if it was the lighting, I have no idea, he looked blue to me. So I asked the nurse. "Why does he look Blue?" "He doesn't look Blue."


"Oh cause I was gonna accuse her of sleeping with a smurf."


No one laughed, so I got to hold my son, the nurse looks at me and says take him over to your wife. I take him over and get to hand my son to my wife, that was a great feeling. "He's lovely Stephen." She looks at me andtells methank you, I said, "For what?" She looks at him, and I said "Oh well hell my part was easy, your the one that just shat a beach ball." She starts giggling, which I know if there wasn'tsomething in her she would have probably killed me.


She looks at me and asks if I am ok. Which I wasn't my stomach was going crazy.


"Well no, you lied to me."


"Bout what."


"Well I seen what that thing can do, if you ever moan again, I know your lying."


Again she starts laughing, I can see out of the corner of my eye everyone else is looking at each other. I know they are thinking Jesus this man is either High, or Crazy, maybe both. I turn and look at the doc, and ask..


"Is he ok, Is she ok?"


"Yes. They are fine."


"Great! Are you ok?"


(He laughs)"Yes, are you?"


Shook my head no..


"Can we go back to the room now doc, my crotch hurts after watching that?"


She laughed all the way back to the room.