Feeling like breaking down :(

[kmarie]

guys i need some incouraging words..and a place to vent.


i feel as thought i am about to loose it..break down..something.


life is just sucky as hell right now.


my husband and i are fighting a lot (we have only been married a year)..im stressed beyond belief..my hosue is a mess and im sick of cleaning it.


we are trying to adopt a rat..hes two years old (wont live much longer)..but we cant until we get our two (complete house) cats vaccinated against rabbies. well.my cat hobbs is VERY large (35lbs)..he has never bene to the vets..and the trip tehre and the shot would possible kill him..he would be stressed beyong belief. i can get my girl cat to the vets though..so we are thinking about giving hobbs to my mom (she wants him VERY badly)..the thing is..after going through all this we still may not get scabbers because another girl is interested and put her application in first I want him SO bad..but are chances arent looking good.


my husband got to look at his credit report yesterday..we find that he oes almsot $600 to a credit card company..and that his mother has not been making payments on a computer he gave them (with the stipulation that they make the payments)....this sint the first time his mom has screwed him over financialy.


so..i just want to cry..i want to badly to escape my life right now..to just take off..to a warm sunny area where i can relax all day.maybe swim..sleep..and eat yummy foods. i dont want to have to worry about the finances..or fight with my husband because hes not doing s*** around the house..so i get stuck doing it all. I want time for myself..to sit and read..or just sit..


im sorry im rambeling..but im just so sick of everything i could scream. I have a vacation coming up..one week away...but it will just be me..at my house (i dont drive..so im stuck there). alone..to clean...i cant relax if my hosue isnt clean.


i dunno what im trying to say..or if im asking for anything..advice..i just wanted to get all that out before i burts.


i wish i had a friend here to go out with..and talk to..but i dont..not a single one..just my mom..who i love dearly..but if she kew all this shed be worried sick about me


sorry..thanks for listening

[Misha]

Hey there! I'm sorry things feel so bad. My first year of marriage wasn't easy so I know how you are feeling. It took time to get into a routine with things, both for myself and with my husband.


I'm certain thingswill work out in time. In the meantime, know that you aren't alone.I wish I had some good advice to make you feel better about all the things going on, but I can only give you what I would do. If it helps, don't focus on ALL the problems at one time, just the ones you can fix....like cleaning up the house and planning some of those things you want to do when you are on vacation. You can do lots of things that are relaxing when you are home all week, after you finish cleaning. Like take baths, read, give yourself manicures/pedicures. You can take walks and order food in. Maybe youcould look into taking a class or something local...look in the phonebook for yoga or exercise, dance. I don't know what you'd be interested in. It's really important to keep your own identity when you get married, to have something for yourself, an outlet. Hopefully too you will be able to make friends that way. I'm in a similar boat right now myself because we moved here only a year ago and I need to get out to do those things too. It's not easy, and we are strapped financially, but I realize that it will help both of us if I can make a life here for myself.


The other things you mentioned seem out of your control. You have done about all you can about the rat and your other cat, so let it go. No use being upset, it won't change anything. And you can't change your husband's mother or how irresponsible she is. All you can do is work on restoring your credit and not getting involved financially with someone who you can't trust. Everything is a learning experience and it's best to try to look at it in a positive way instead of feeling sorry for yourself over it. Think of it as you getting stronger instead of being a vicitim to your circumstances.


All this fighting with your husband about cleaning won't go away either until you find a way to compromise. Maybe he never intends on helping around the house. You need to find outand either ask for help and divide up the chores or find a way to keep the house relatively organized so that it only needs unkeep. My psychologist told me that in a relationship, you need to be able to make the other partner feel safe, significant and loved. For you, the house being clean is a way you feel your environment is safe. My husband is that way too. So now when I'm cleaning and don't want to, I realize it makes him feel better. I want him to be happy and feel safe...so I'm no longer mad about it. There is a lot less conflict around here when I remember that I love this man and want his home life to feel welcoming and secure.


Anyway, i hope I didn't come off like a big lecture here! I only wanted to help and hope that you are able to feel better about things. I never understood what people meant when they said marriage was work until now. We've been married for four years and I'm only starting to work on the things that will make both of our lives better.My parents divorced so I have no role models in that department!


Well, take care, let us know how you are doing! Again, I hope I didnt sound like I was lecturing you!


xoxoxoxooo
Misha

[Jenneh]

heya you,


its defenitly not fair that ur husband leaves u to all the house-work. i really hope he soon comes around and realises that the womans place is not in the home anymore!! but the main thing for u to remembr is, ur not being mean arguing with ur husband abut it. ur being justified. its him that needs to feel guilty or whatever.


i dont know what to say about ur " rat issues" other than i hope things look up and u get what u want


on ur vacation... u say u cant drive, but can u go out for walks? like, go to the local park and read and sun-bathe. (if its sunny that is!) or just ask ur mum to tke u out sumwhere, she doesnt need to know that ur horribly down and need cheering up if u dont want her to worry! but if shes ur only person there, who can support and talk to you at this time, i'd really really think about confiding in her. you dont need to go thru these pressures alone.


sorry i cant be of nemore help...


(((hugs))) hope u feel a bit less stressed soon


Jen xxxxxxxxxx

[mbs730]

I'm
so sorry this is happening to you. I have been married for 5 years and
for the first year my husband was like that too. Always expected ME to
do all of the work but he has been much better ever since I had
experienced post partum depression since the birth of my daughter back
in 2002. I mean during the actual time he was still pretty bad but
after learning about the hell I was really going through it woke him
up. He has made up for it a lot though after our son was born this
March. He did the late night feedings, he calms him down when he is
crying (something that I cannot do), and cares more about my feelings.
Unfortunately he has to be taught and maybe just DONT clean the house
or something and be completely honest with how you feel. Say "I'm not
cleaning this house until I see that you are going to pitch in and if
that means we live in a pigsty forever then so be it" type of thing. I
dont know what else to say



Miriam

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[cwarren]

I can sympathise with you too. Iam not married, but I have been living with my boyfriend for nearly a year now and we do fight a lot which also really gets me down. He had to be trained to do the housework and now we share it, we split all of the cleaning duties in half so that we both pitch in. Bless him, he's such a well-trained puppy, he even puts the toilet seat down after himself! lol


Seriously though, no-one deserves to be unhappy and you need to sit down with your husband and have a good CALM talk about splitting the duties in two as you can't be expected to do all of it as well as going out to work. Either that, or just refuse to do any cleaning, I bet he'd soon help out when there were no clean dinner plates or clothes for him!


Try not to get too down about the debt thing - it could be a LOT worse. I'm in debt of over £2,000 which is around $3,500, my boyfriend doesn't have a job still after 6 weeks, I work full time and bring in £860.00 per month but my rent is £700 and not fogetting all the other bills like council tax, water, electricity, gas, TV licence, mail order companies, computer payment, food, sky TV, broadband, mobile phone and telephone, I now have the bank phoning me at work hassling me and I am close to a nervous breakdown - do NOT let yourself get that way too, find out if your husband can pay off that $600 in monthly instalments - most compnaies will let you do this if you explain the situation.


Good luck and try to put a brave face on it[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[kmarie]

Thanks everyone


As for the cleaning..ims tarting to give up..we go through spurts..he helps..quite a bit..then we go through slumps where he doesnt do a damn thing and gets mad at me when i ask for help


His biggest thing is he wants to come home and sit down when he gets home from work...but once he sits he never wants to get up! So I ask (because its what I do) that he comes home..helps me for a while..and then he can have the whole evening to relax..but NO..he has a tendency to throw out there that I sit infront of a desk all day while hes out doing manual albor so he much more tired and needs to sit down more then me. NOW...that REALLY makes me mad..cause yes..i do have an office job..but it is a HARD job and i have issues with my bosses..so by the time i get home i just want to curl up and go to sleep..but i dont..iw ork my butt off. We talk/fight about this every two weeks or so..and its really getting old. We even tried putting up chore lists..lasted a week..maybe two.


Also..i get up an hour and 45 minutes befor we have to leave in the morning. I get in the shower..RUSH....get out..get dressed..wake him up..he slowly wakes up..takes a LONG shower..lally gags around getting all his stuff he needs for the day..while im rushing around letting the dog out..feeding him and the cats..and the rats...packing my lunch AND his...so i dont even get time to dry my hair..and i dont even get a thank you for packing his lunch!


ok..so that was long..and a total rant..but I SO appreciate you gusy lsitening and responding..it makes me feel much better and not so alone..i tell my mom all this..but i worry because she doesnt think highly fo my husband because i only tell her the bad stuff and not all the good stuff!!